Monthly Archives: April 2011

The Royal Hat Parade from Across The Pond

Ugly hats from the Royal Wedding have been keeping me awake. I don’t know about you but if I was Kate, I would want to whack my new cousin Beatrice upside the head. Why? Just put yourself in Kate’s shoes. Here it is, your big day, and your web hits are getting upstaged by her horrid, ugly hat. Haven’t seen it yet?

I haven’t figured out if it looks like a giant uterus – or the Elder God Cthulu:

In the car, she couldn’t even sit up straight because of the height of the squid thing perched on her head:

One of my girlfriends made the observation “It’s very…. “flying spaghetti monster”. Perhaps Beatrice is a Pastafarian?” I think she might have a point there. Beatrice seemed determined to round out the Lindsey Lohan club girl look with smeary dark eyeliner. The thick kohl ringing her eyes makes her look like a demented raccoon on the furry end of a day long bender. It’s too bad her neck up look is a red-hot mess, the suit is lovely. I’m sure the person who had to sit her behind in the Abbey wanted to smack her upside the head as well.

It’s not like she has the best fashion sense in the world. Here is another of her “fascinators” where butterflies are apparently eating the Princesses head:

There were some nice hats though I’m not sure if the monochrome look was the way to go for this guest.

Those wacky Brits even put huge shade hats on the horses:

Oh wait, that’s the Duchess of Cornwall. I apologize to the beautiful, hard-working horses. Though to be honest, Camilla’s hat can double as a horses water trough.

It was a grand show. Now where is my double gin and tonic with extra lime?

Royal Weddings, A Lot of Really Bad Hats and Paying For Your Own Water

Well, everyone it seems is watching the royal wedding of HRH Prince William (newly created Duke of Cambridge) and HRH Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. I was not crazy enough to get up at 2am to watch the festivities live. This is one of the reasons I have TiVo. The wedding is very lovely and exciting however I can’t get over the amount of really bad hats. Sure, there are some nice ones but so many horrid creations are invading my living room. I think the main issue I have is the wearers to be honest. Some of these hats might look better on someone younger, much younger. When you are 70, you really shouldn’t wear a sideways creation that looks like you had a bad collision with a stop sign. However what is even more exciting was the royal wedding of Japan’s Prince Arisugawa in 2004.

My, what a fine affair that was! 400 guests attended from titled families to film stars. The royal bride and groom were dressed in traditional Japanese court outfits then changed after the ceremony into a military uniform for the groom and an elaborate Western wedding gown for the bride.

At the reception, guests were then asked for fork over approx. $360 a head to cover the cost at a private club on the grounds of the Canadian Embassy. Souvenir photos with the happy couple were available for an additional $100. Guests were very put off by the price point for this shindig as well as the “unspectacular” food. Traditionally, lavish gifts are given to guests after the reception however these unhappy guests were given commemorative plates bearing the Arisugawa crest. Well I suppose it beats a chia pet.

Now before you start sending those scathing emails to the Japanese Embassy I would mention that a Nigerian Prince would have made a great addition to the guest list as well. Yes, six months later, Japanese police arrested three people for fraud. It seems that Shinya Kusanagi, a 43-year-old event planner, was given an 18-month suspended prison sentence for bilking these guests out of $135,000 not to mention fobbing those horrible plates off on them.

“Prince Arisugawa” was Yasuyuki Kitano, 42, a commoner who has made a habit of impersonating royalty for more than a decade. You see, the Arisugawa branch of the imperial family died out about 80 years ago.

Most guests were so embarrassed to have been taken in by these con men that they would not come forward. Now you would think having this soiree on the grounds of the Canadian Embassy would be a tip-off. However, the con men covered that base. On the invitations they said the location was “loved by Prince Takamado” – the late cousin of Emperor Akihito, who died of a heart attack playing squash in the embassy grounds in 2002.

Judge Takaaki Oshima told Kusanagi: “You knew that Kitano was not a royal and you organised the wedding party for the purpose of fraud. You took money from guests who came out of respect for the imperial family.” This fake “Prince” has also spoken to a peace group in Hiroshima in the past and volunteered to raise money for a children’s charity. This organization is run by the Amatakagahara Shinto Shrine. But wait, it doesn’t stop there. He also used the shrine’s name, as well as the imperial chrysanthemum symbol, to sell fake mineral water.

Ahh, aren’t royal weddings magical? I have much higher hopes for William and Kate.

Public Schools – Weep For Our Future

It is a beautiful day out and I really need to get outside today but I’m depressed. I shouldn’t be depressed. I have two coupons Starbucks sent me. One for a free drink. Anything I want, any size I want, I could go hog-wild on the caffeine rush and a coupon for a free petite snack. Those wee bites of heaven are good, let me tell you. But no, I am weeping into my oatmeal at the state of education today.

Let me give you an example for Whack-A-Doodle Wednesday. This is a shot of some kids grade school homework. I’m going to guess it’s second grade. The child is supposed to unscramble the words into a sentence and draw a picture that fits. This sentence is about a goat and I will say this kid draws a real nice goat. It’s the sentence that disturbs me.

Now what in the name of all that is holy would possess a kid to come up with this rather than “My goat is in a pen.”? I know this is a boy because no girl I know would write that. However I would give him an extra point for creativity stringing Pen and Is together to make a brand new word!

I know, I shouldn’t bag on the deranged, future serial killer. None of us are perfect. Here is an example of my writing. My sister found it. Where? I have no idea. What was she doing with it? Again, no idea. We were talking about rabbits we had as kids by the names of Hoppity and Christopher. However in “archival writing” of mine she discovered, I’m calling her rabbit by another name. This led her to question her own recollection of her pet’s name. Honestly, considering all the glue sniffing stuff I was writing I would not give tooo much credit to the name change as you will see.

BTW – my spelling is for shit and was even worse back then. This is transcribed as written. My comments are in brackets. Don’t judge me.

“Me myself and I”

“My Family. I have two sisters. (nope, just one unless I was counting the dog out of spite) My daddy works at Mazerra, Snyder, DeMartini. (a law office) My Mother stays home when I go to school. We have two rabbits, one dog. They don’t get along together.”

“This is owr dog Queenie. (Yes, I wrote “owr” – actually, I wrote “are” crossed it out and wrote “owr” next to the picture of the dog) we have two rabbits Hoppity (the drawing is colored white) Christobelle (colored brown. OK, the rabbit’s name was Christopher and I believe he was black & white).”

“My Favorite Foods. I like poached marrshmallows. like fried snowballs, an oyster. I like eggs, pie. I like baked cakes. Hoppity, Christobelle prefer eggs. Hoppity, Christobelle are rabbits owr dog Queenie chases the rabbits all over. She will make them her dinner.”

(OK this is weird. I HATE roasted marshmallows. In fact I flat-out refused to roast a marshmallow and eat it at camp for a merit badge. Thus completely pissing of the Sisters and earning me detention. Why would I say that? Fried snowballs? Really? We never ate those cake snowballs as kids and you can’t fry a real snowball. I don’t think I ate oysters when I was that age. But I do remember the last sentence about Queenie making the rabbits her dinner. Weird.)

“When I Grow Up. I want to be a teacher, teach kindergarten. I want to correct math papers, write on the bord.” (I would never want to teach Kindergarten. I liked teaching 6th grade. Math? I was horrible at math. Why would I want to correct math papers? I couldn’t correct my own. Yup, definitely sniffing glue when I wrote that.)

My ever-wise sister pointed out the obvious, “Kids make shit up.”

Yup and they sniff those slightly damp mimiograph sheets and eat paste though I never ate paste. I was a page sniffer though. What are kids going to do now that all those purple worksheets are gone?

I suppose there will be less goat drawings.

The Easter Bunny – The Day After

Today for the Monday Morning Funny – A Letter from the Easter Bunny

Dear Hyperactive, Demanding Children of North America,

I’m done. I know, I say this every year but this whole job is starting to eat my soul. Every year I take eggs that kids have dyed and hide them. Why am I hiding eggs? Someone decided since eggs are a fertility symbol and bunnies… well, do it like bunnies, that they are a marriage made in heaven. Have you any idea how stressful this job is?

Bunnies spend their whole lives in a state of panicked paranoia, just waiting for some predator to scoop them up and eat them. Now you have us hiding eggs all over a wide expanse of lawn, making us sitting ducks for hawks, falcons and Leroy with his Red Ryder BB gun.

Now in our modern, uber-hippie society, you have decided plastic, non-recyclable eggs are better since you can stuff them with more candy and hide those instead of edible, biodegradable eggs. That brings me to another pet peeve of mine – the candy! How much candy do you kids really need to eat? Instead of some healthy hard-boiled eggs, some carrot sticks and one… ONE chocolate rabbit or easter egg, kids now want bags and bags of candy. Marshmallow eggs, caramel eggs, divinity eggs, those PEEP abominations, wee solid chocolate eggs, chocolate rabbits, bags of M&M’s and Skittles and sweet tarts and sour worms… the list goes on.

I should also mention that now kids want toys as well! I’m NOT Santa Claus. I don’t have a North Pole sweat shop cranking out cheaply made toys your kids will break and forget about within the hour. I’m a one rabbit operation here and I must say I resent the toy angle almost as much as the sugar overload. Can’t your kids get by in life without one frackin holiday that does not celebrate an orgy of consumerism and poor dietary choices?

I’m tired of being kicked by obnoxious mini-monsters at the mall. I’m sick of having my ears pulled, my tail yanked or being piddled on. Just because you are higher on the food chain doesn’t give you the right to be a bully. After this past season, one thing has become clear to me. Vodka is my friend. Especially when it comes from Hanger One in Alameda.

Have fun suckers! I’m off to a desert isle to relax and do what bunnies do best – drink! You won’t have Peter Rabbit to push around anymore! So long suckers! Have fun with your new Easter God, Marvin the Macaque Monkey. I’m sure you will have a lot of fun. But a word of warning for you kids that like to bite or kick, those aren’t chocolate eggs he’s throwing back at you. Just sayin’.

Good Friday… Or Is It?

“I won’t say that all senior citizens that can’t master technology should be publicly flogged but if we made an example of one or two it might give the others incentive to try harder.” – Sheldon, The Big Bang Theory

Ah yes, I can relate. I saw a senior trying to put a credit card into the CD slot of a laptop and as illustrated in the TV episode, just not getting the concept that the touch pad IS the mouse. Yes, this blog is late. I have a few excuses, not that they really matter. The past few days have been filled with a great many things involving money (which is good), things involving traveling (which takes up time and costs money), games on the PS2 & DS as well as some very Angry Birds in Rio (which is bad) and a very needy kitten.

Suffice it to say I have many ideas, not a lot of time to write them down while making notes for my second humor book “I’m Bitchy Because I’m Starving” and working to get the two Disney guide books out on Amazon. How is a girl suppose to take a breather? Especially since this is a special day to many people. Actually millions of people will spend way too much time contemplating how a mob nailed my fiance to a cross over 2,000 years ago. I’ve never been much into venerating torture devices, death or torturous death.

I know, I know, Jesus died for our sins. You don’t have to tell me. He’s been telling me himself all day today until I distracted him with some Vosges bacon/caramel eggs and Doctor Who on Tivo. He would like to point out with all that sacrificing and blood and pain and dying that perhaps humanity could be a bit more appreciative and evolved two thousand years later. I told him not to hold his breath. He then proceeded to pull a bunny out of thin air, tossed it at me and went back to eating candy. If that has significance, I’m still trying to figure it out though sometimes the Big JC is just random and goofy like that.

I would say regardless of your religious or non-religious beliefs, it would be nice to just consider doing some decent things for your fellow beings this weekend. Don’t wallow in the dogma and the death cult icons, just be better people. One of my friends is in Japan right now helping to rescue animals from the shadow of a nuclear plant that is getting ready to melt its way to England about now. I’m sure there are little things you can do even if it’s to refrain from flipping off the jackwagon who cut you off on the freeway. It would be nice if we humans were a bit more evolved than two thousand years ago.

At least I’m really hoping so.

Jon Stewart Is My New God

Today for the Monday Morning Funny – I wanted to write about the idiotic attack on a J. Crew ad showing a mother and her son having fun. That fun just happens to include the little boy wearing bright pink toenail polish. I have no idea why some people think this is such a huge issue. Do they think a boy wearing pink nail polish will automatically turn him gay or transgendered or into RuPaul? Really? REALLY? These people have nothing better to complain about?

Honestly who cares if a little boy wants to wear dresses or nail polish or play with dolls? Who cares if a little girl wants to climb trees and play sports and “gasp” do math?! Oh no, that might mean those little boys will turn into sissy girlie men who actually love women and those girls will turn into the most unnatural of creatures, an intelligent human being who is capable of rescuing herself while making household repairs! The horror!

So rather than give you a run down of this idiotic claim, I turn it over to Jon Stewart, who outlines is in the best way possible.—this-little-piggy-went-to-hell

New Flash: God Doesn’t Care About You Winning A Reality Show

I have been a fan of Survivor since it first aired. I love Survivor. I love the Amazing Race. I love RuPaul’s Drag Race. I even watched The Real World & Road Rules when they were on. I know, reality shows florish because they are cheap to produce. Writers didn’t have to actually write stories. Studios don’t have to pay name talent salaries. They use real people who just want to be famous for being on television.

In fact there are people with actual lucrative careers because of reality shows. The Miz from The Real World is now a pro wrestler. Various personalities and forces of nature (plastic housewives from many cities come to mind) have made even more dough on the talk show circuit. I do draw the line with watching any show that features anyone named Snooki. I have no idea what a Snooki is but if South Park’s parody is any indication, Snooki is a troll-like animal with a boufaunt hairdo that humps everything in sight. Pass.

However, back to Survivor, this season there is a kid named Matt on the show. He is idealistic, naive and very, very Christian. A recipe for defeat in this cut-throat game especially when you are up against one of the best players of the genre, Boston Rob. The poor kid is out of his depth in the social and mental part of this game. Why? Allow me to quote from his latest rambling.

“First and foremost I’d like to congratulate myself for being the most naive person on Survivor.” Yes Matt, you are and you shouldn’t be patting yourself on the back about it. You are just too nice for this game. You need to leave now.

Then later, in the dark of night, he starts talking to God as he is wont to do. “I guess you wanted me to come back so here I am. I trust you, this is your will. You using my stupidity for your glory. So thank you Lord for this opportunity and blessed be your name..”

Matt, let me give you some advice. I’ve spoken to God and she wants you to know that she has far more important things on her plate right now than making sure you or anyone wins money in a game show. She also wants you to stop it with the Emo whining. It is unattractive. No one wants to hear it. The fact that you couldn’t “Outwit, Outplay and Outlast” a master like Boston Rob is not her will or anyone else’s. She also doesn’t need or require your stupidity to fuel her glory. If God’s glory were fueled by stupid, there would be a surplus in the Middle East right now so she doesn’t need any from your whiny corner of Niceraugua.

Why is it that people feel the need to appeal to a higher power for stupid things? This isn’t a case of my child was hit by a car or please help those poor people smashed by a wall of water. No, it’s help me do stupid tasks so I can win money. Really? REALLY?! People take credit for your talents, responsibility for your actions and stop asking God to win you game show money or one day you may wake up as a pillar of salt. She’s cranky in the morning without her Kona coffee.

Theatre = Danger

Today for Whack-A-Doodle Wednesday, I thought I would give you a few examples on how theatre is a dangerous job. Especially for men. Fine, theatre is taking your naughty bits into your own hands for everyone’s fun and amusement.

So first on the hit parade, let’s travel across the Pond to Scotland. According to the wire news story, “A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry.

Daniel Blackner, or Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf, was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors at the festival known for its oddball, offbeat performances.

The main part of his act was for him to appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member with a special apparatus.
The attachment broke before the performance and Mr Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required.

He then joined it directly to his organ. The end result? A solid attachment, laughter, mortification and … hospitalization.
“It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed emergency room with a vacuum attached to me,” Mr Blackner said. “I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short-lived.”

Moving on to more “mainstream” theatre, I give you Puppetry of the Penis. Yes, two guys with elastic junk, twist their tackle into balloon animals shapes on stage for your amusement. A few of the skin sculptures they feature are the Loch Ness Monster, the Eiffel Tower, the wristwatch and (my personal favorite) the hamburger. Check it out. From time to time they audition for new talent.
(There is music on this site and while there is no obvious nudity, I would not open this at work.)

Now if you are considering doing your own version of public penis art, please keep this in mind. (A) these men are professionals and (b) your living room window is not a theatre. One gentleman from Washington was so inspired after seeing the show, he tied a string to his Johnson, waggled it in the window and tried to give a puppet show to his apartment building. Neither the neighbors nor the police were amused.

And to round things out, here is a squirrel attacking a toddler while his parents laugh. Hey, if you can’t be a shining example, then be a terrible warning. Honestly, I’m a little concerned about the parents who let this happen but that’s another story altogether. Kid, I’m sure you are in your twenties now. Make sure to get your sadistic parents to pay for your therapy.

Monday Morning Funny – When Squirrels Attack

Just to prove that squirrels are evil –
After a weekend of spotting at least five squirrels who were following me, I decided we need to start our mornings off with a bit of education as to why squirrels are evil. (These are all work safe)

Debbi Lynn Salmonsen completely gets it. Her catchy song, “Squirrels Are Evil”, sung in her clear voice with a folk bent is a ballad for our time.

The original “Dramatic Squirrel Look” says it all. I know it’s really a gopher or a prairie dog but it’s the point that matters:

And my favorite, a cop needs to pepper spray a rampaging squirrel. Too bad these kids have no idea the danger they are in. I need to send this brave officer a muffin basket for doing his duty.

And for all the cry-babies out there, yes the squirrel lived! In fact the kid that uploaded this video spelled macing as masing. Yeah, let’s here it for the great education system!

This guy completely understands the situation:

Double muffin basket for him and love the Mike Tee Vee glasses!

Where Are The Nooclear Whessles? A Journey To St. George Spirits at Hanger One

There is a magical place on the island of Alameda. The 1980’s are long gone along with Star Trek 4, Chekov and the nuclear vessels. Something new has moved into the old Firebird hanger on the now rotting military base. It is the home of St. George spirits, their fruit-infused Hanger One Vodka and the first absinthe to be made in this country.

I’ve lived in the Bay Area for years and I’ve never been here before. It is one of the hidden gems of the East Bay. I highly recommend you come on a weekend and take the tour before the tasting. It is incredibly informative, hilariously funny and best of all it features monkeys and a giant shark. I’m not lying, you need to see for yourself.

St. George was the first place to start making absinthe in this country now that the green fairy is legal. As a person who would acquire French absinthe before the ban was lifted, I can tell you ours is superior. The blend of spices with the anise and wormwood notes are stellar but that isn’t all the magic that happens in Hanger One. The star is the best fruit-infused vodka you will ever taste. Sure, it’s more expensive, but it’s made with real fruit. Most “fruit” vodkas are not. This is the first vodka I’ve tasted that I enjoy drinking straight. It doesn’t taste like turpentine.

The Kaffir Lime Vodka tastes like a lime Otter Pop, I shit you not. The Buddha’s Hand citrus vodka would make an amazing lemon drop. No mix, just the vodka and a sugar rim. They also have spiced pear, mandarin blossom and straight vodka made from grapes. I swear, each was better than the last. Each was so fantastic I wish I had The Donald’s credit card so I could get a case of each kind they made. It is that good. I must admit the chipotle vodka was too spicy for my white girl taste buds but would make an amazing Bloody Mary. They also had a coffee liquor that is killer.

The tastings are just $15 for at least 10 different items. An amazing bargain and the tour is free. You should make a note that the tour is only available on the weekends and you should make reservations if you have a party of 5 or more. Honestly, do this, you will be so glad you did.