The Power Of My Peesch

So what can topple governments, start wars, raise armies and conquer the world? You guessed it! Your vagina! Personally I didn’t know my vagina had so much spare time. Perhaps it sneaks out when I’m asleep to stalk through forests, attend jousts and drive men insane. That might explain my cat waking me up last night with paw taps on my face. She wasn’t being annoying or wanting attention, she was trying to tell me that my vagina was sneaking out the front door to reek havoc.

This explains so much. The 463rd stock market crash of the past ten years, the failure of the BART system, riots in London – all caused by the power of the Va Jay Jay! Wow ladies, we are bringing the world to its knees! My only question is why? What’s the payback? What do we get except the narcissistic rush of watching men kill each other in a frenzy of awe and lust? Do we get money? Jewelery? A country of our own? I’m not seeing any kind of tangible payback in this latest, idiotic commercial from Summer’s Eve.

Now I freely admit I have no idea what the executives were thinking. Maybe they thought it was a positive affirmation of female power, maybe they thought it was evocative, romantic and stirring or maybe they were clueless douches who missed the boat completely.

First we are told by the douche industry that we smell bad, now we are told that the sole reason for male conflict, bloodshed and aggression is because of our vaginas! Yes, those tricky little things are such minxes. They are always causing trouble. I suppose if your job is to sell pine scented cootch douche you only have a few marketing avenues you can travel. You can either try to scare women with the “smell” or you can make them think if they have the best rose garden/pine forest/ocean breeze smelling vagina, you can rule the world. I mean, who wouldn’t want Spartan warriors smashing each other with heavy objects for the chance to be your new consort of the hour?

Maybe it’s just me but I would like to think that if my vagina really was the source of all this earth-shattering power, that it could be used for good. Just think about it for a minute. Women being respected for their life-giving potential as well as their skills in the boardroom as well as the battlefield. Women being held in esteem instead of being assaulted, demeaned, demoralized and treated like children. Women who are proud of their bodies and not told they are bad or evil or need the control of others to tell them what to do with them. Wow, freedom to be a mature, free-thinking adult! Now that is a power that I can get behind.

Vaginas – Do I Really Need One Hanging Around My Neck?

So today while I was working on book editing, I came across something that screamed “MORNING BLOG” because what goes better with your coffee, bagel and schmear than vagina jewelry? Yup, it seems that someone out in cyber space, was amusing themselves with Sculpy for fun and profit. They crafted a Va Jay Jay ring to sell. Here is the ad:

Okay, let me get this straight. $23 for a discreet ring of a Yoni? I don’t know about you but nothing says inconspicuous like a rainbow-colored pussy on your finger!

Now there are others who go for the neckwear version of giant sex organs to wear while grocery or shoe shopping.

I just don’t understand this kind of “wymin power” fashion statement. I know men can do some really strange things but I have yet to see a single one wearing a giant penis as a ring or a necklace. Penis jewelry seems to be mainly relegated to “joke” charms, candy necklaces for bachelorette parties and Mardi Gras beads. I don’t see men proclaiming “male power” by wearing junk jewelry. If they were that proud of their junk, they would just whip it out and show it off. Especially if they’re drunk.

I’m sorry, I just don’t get it. Do women actually buy these things? Do they wear vagina jewelry voluntarily and not because they lost a bet? Just for the record, I wouldn’t wear a necklace of my big toe either. It’s creepy. You know what else is creepy? Vagina cupcakes.

Is it just me or is this what Muppet Va Jay Jay’s look like? Come on, you’ve seen Avenue Q. Those puppets aren’t just for public television anymore.

Bottom line, if you want to be proud of your bits (male or female), I think that’s great. Be proud of them in the privacy of your own home. Please.

Vagisil vs. Springtime Clean = Why?

For todays Friday Tech Column, I thought I would talk about eCommerce and bookstores and red pumps but then a commercial for Vagisil came on and everything went to hell in a handbasket.  According to the commercial, this woman just can’t “wash away the odor with regular soap and water, it keeps coming back.”  Really?

Let me get this straight.  We can’t show condom ads in prime time or commercials for jock itch but douches and feminine wipes are fine.

In our Puritanical world, sex is bad and dirty unless you are a GOP congressman getting a reach around in an airport bathroom because you are so far in the closet you’ve found Narnia.  Sex is bad when you are trying to educate people about birth control or diseases but perfectly fine if it’s a near naked women squirming all over the hood of a car.

Men’s issues like jock itch are not fodder for prime time TV commercials but we can  tell women they are dirty, they smell bad, they are just “wrong” and need a chemical solution to make them “fresh” like a pine forest.

Don’t believe me?  This is straight off the Vagasil website next to their feminine wash.  (BTW my comments are the ones in brackets, if you couldn’t tell already by the snark.)

Doesn’t just clean away odor, it keeps it from happening.  (Yes, that pesky odor never goes away.  It’s bad and nasty and no one will like you.  You are pathetic.)

Safe and gentle enough to use everyday. (Why just let your own body clean itself out like nature intended?  You can use our chemical product every day!)

Hypoallergenic. (Like that makes it better)

Light and clean scent. (Clean?  So now your peesh smells like what?  Linen?  A mountain spring?  Highland flowers?  An Arctic breeze?)

It’s the confident clean. (That doesn’t even make sense.  As opposed to the unconfident clean?)

No one understands a woman’s body quite like the makers of Vagisil. (You silly girl, you can’t be expected to understand your own body!)

In many cases, there’s no need to see a doctor or live with embarrassment. (Embarrassment from what?  Personally I would be embarrassed to step foot outside with a miasma of “truck stop pine deodorant” floating around my va jay jay like a dark cloud.)  Instead, these feminine products give women the confidence they need to look and feel their best.  (I don’t need vagina chemicals to give me confidence, I have a brain.)

Since women’s yeast infection symptoms cannot always be kept at home,Vagisil offers their Medicated Anti-Itch Wipes that are perfect for on-the-go. (Gee and I thought the epitome of on-the-go was the new micro ground ice coffee from Starbucks!)

They come wrapped in individual packets so you can stick a couple in your purse or car for when you need them the most. (ummm WHY aren’t you going to a doctor if you’re sooo itchy you have to stash wipes all over Hell and gone.)

Understanding a woman’s body, Vagisil also offers a selection of products that are used for maintenance, keeping the down-there area feeling fresh and clean at all times. (Down-there area?  Really?  Can’t you just say Vagina?  Let’s all say it together – Vagina!  Vagina!  Vagina!  Don’t you feel better now?  I feel all fresh and clean myself.)

If you are unsure if you’re suffering from a yeast infection, the company offers a testing kit that screens for vaginal infections. Therefore, if you come up with a positive result, you will know the symptoms to treat. This is part of the vision of this company; to educate women on vaginal irritation and infection, treating the symptoms in a safe manner.

(Ah, wait a minute… are you a DOCTOR?  So you expect women to self-diagnose a yeast infection with your stupid kit and then use your product?  What if they’re wrong?  Are you going to pick up  the bill if it turns into something worse because women were basically told they didn’t need to see a professional?  I’m thinking no.  I think if something worse did happen you would point to the very small print on the box that said “Haha, just kidding.  You should check with a medical professional before putting anything up your hoo hoo.  We aren’t responsible if you fell for the whole “you are stupid and dirty” schtick.”

Fortunately, all of Vagisil’s products can be purchased online, without having to go to the store or risk the chance of seeing that cute boy next door. (So God forbid the “cute boy next door” sees you buying peesh deodorant.  Who does this happen to?  I mean really!  If you are that insecure, bury the feminine wipes box in a pile of chewing gum, magazines and potato chips like an insecure teen buying condoms.  On the other hand, you don’t NEED feminine wipes!  There is nothing wrong with you that showering doesn’t fix.  If you reek, you need to see a real doctor because something is wrong and then you can get your yeast cream from the pharmacist like a normal person.  You don’t have insurance?  No problem!  You can go to a clinic and then the doctor can tell you which over the counter item to get IF that’s the problem.)

Do we really need more reasons to feel bad and doubt ourselves ladies?  Why put money into the coffers of chemical companies unless you need the product for a genuine medical reason?  Why all the vagina hate ladies?  I thought we got over all that when “The Vagina monologues” came out.  Let’s promise each other that we will love our vaginas, not treat them like second class citizens and we won’t roll around in soapy water, eating a hamburger on the hood of a car.  Not unless a hot fireman does it first.

Vajazzling

It seems Jennifer Love Hewitt (The Ghost Whisperer) has a shiny new toy that has all her friends and fans whispering.  What is it?  Well, it seems it is a sparkly new Va JJ.  Miss Hewitt went on The View to plug her new book and gave the ladies tips on how to raise your self-esteem.  It seems wearing pretty underwear, taking a bath with champagne and a tiara are top contenders but she also mentioned putting Swarovski crystals on her .. off-shore bank account.

Personally I think the woman has clean lost her mind.  Obviously her Happy Meal not only is missing the fries but the dipping sauce for her McNuggets.  Why am I picking on poor, tiny, Miss “needs to eat a sandwich” Hewitt?

1) Can we please stop it with books on love and self-esteem from celebrities.  She takes a bath wearing a tiara to make herself feel special?  SPECIAL?!  Honey you have a hit TV show, a 16″ waist and a pile of money!  How much more special do you want to be?  I could stomach this a lot more if it came from a “normal gal” who isn’t living in a McMansion in La La Land.

2) You put crystals on your kitty?!  There are only 2 questions that come to mind – why and how?  How do you get the crystals to stay there?  Sew them on?  Glue them?  Does it matter if you have a carpet, area rug or hardwood floors?  I wouldn’t want to glue crystals to a carpet.  If you get the peel & stick variety to affix to hardwood floors, how well do they really stick?  Do they fall off, showering people in a rain of gems?  What if they fall off at inopportune times?  Is it a choking hazard? Hey!  Inquiring minds want to know!

Why even do this in the first place?  Little Miss Romantic would have you believe it makes you feel pretty or sassy.  Guess what, I can feel sassy without having hot pink lead crystal glued to my hey nonny nonny.  I can, really.  Several magazine articles claim that men think it’s great  What?!  Really? REALLY?!  I can not believe that men think this.  I can not picture some guys wife/girlfriend/regular call girl stripping, flashing her disco ball vagina and having them think “Wow!  That is so wonderful!  I love that!”  Now if you put a steak and a glass of scotch by your crotch I CAN see them thinking that.  It sounds like huge PR stunt to (a) sell books and (b) sell stick-on Swarovski crystals.

By now you are thinking, “What does this have to do with San Francisco?”.  Well, nothing EXCEPT when I heard about this I immediately thought of our great drag community and asked myself how many of our Ladies would glitter their candy?  I’m thinking not many as they have WAY too much sense, fashion & otherwise.

So ladies, would you do this?  Gentlemen, would you want your lady to do this?  The polls are open.