Justin Beaver – The New Steinbeck?

The other day I received a message from Barnes & Noble in my e-mail box.  They wanted to make sure I knew “Based upon your previous purchases, we thought you’d be interested in reading the new, authorized photo memoir by pop star Justin Bieber.”

What?  How does ordering historical Elizabethan fiction or a cover for my Kindle translate into “I want a photo comic book written by some pre-teen heart-throb of the month that I’ve never heard of?”  The book in question is called “Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story” and I’m amazed it’s larger than a pamphlet.  Honestly, how much living can you fit into ten years?  John Steinbeck, move over!  A new literary star has entered the heavens!  Justin BEAVER!  I know, Bieber – whatever.

I went to the Barnes & Noble website to look at this important tome that obviously fits with my reading habits.  Allow me to quote on of the two reviews I found:

Anonymous – Posted August 5, 2010, 11:58 AM EST: I REALLY tried to like Justin, and I’m not a hater. But Justin has NO business on a bookshelf! When you market a book to 6-12 year olds you aren’t supposed to be writing autobiographies! Justin does not belong on bookshelves and even though the book was written for him. Even his fans know it was a ghostwriter. God, I hate how they market him. This is not the way things should be going in his career or in bookstores.

Well, I have to agree with the sentiments and cringe at the sentence structure.  I can say that even my loose style obeys some structure.  See?  I could have started that sentence with “even” and I didn’t.  With all the serious issues facing us as a society, do we really need this?  Though on the other hand, as a model of teen behaviour, at least he isn’t flashing his.. beaver.

Who The Hell Is Justin Beaver & Is He Better Than Sparkly Edward?

I was sitting around the house the other day, because that’s what you do when you don’t have a job.  I was lamenting the dumbing down of America, the rise of Twilight mania and how a woman who can’t write has pussified vampires in modern culture.  Her hero Edward is white and sparkles and is perfect and he’s white and he sparkles and did I mention he’s PERFECT and WHITE?  *sigh*  Can someone PLEASE give this kid a comb as well?  It’s bad enough being a douchy vamp but a messy one?  tsk tsk…

As I was ruminating on the decline of the written word, I saw a blurb in a local on-line paper about some kid named Justin.  I could have sworn his name was Justin Beaver.  My housemate set me right.  His name is Justin Bieber and he is the newest heir to the Backstreet Boys, Hansens, Jonas Brothers teen scream crown.  I’m clueless.  I can’t even think of any young singers I would scream over.

Well it seems this newspaper had an article over who was dreamier or more screamtastic, Justin or Edward?  Really?  REALLY?!  This reporter was actually paid MONEY to write this while I am shopping around for government cheese?  Who is Justin Beaver?  I found a picture.  Check this out:

Yeah, I’m feeling the need to scream right now but not in the way you might think unless it’s to scream in horror at his most unfortunate hair cut.  I honestly could care less whether Mr. Beaver or Douchy Vampire Edward are the pinnacle of the Top 5 heart throbs of all time.  They’re a waste of newsprint.  Then it hit me, I know where I have seen this kid before!  It was so very long ago……

He HAS to be the love child of DONNY OSMOND!!!  Really!  Look at the pictures!  It’s so obvious!  Everything is clear now!  Teen Throbs of Times Past have unleashed their secret love spawn on the world.  Through them they will control the minds and bank accounts of millions of screaming teens and their emotionally stunted mothers.  It’s a second chance at a dead career.  It’s brilliant in a 70’s TV evil mastermind sort of way.  Still don’t believe me?  Take a look at this picture of the Jonas Brothers and tell me that Ricky Martin DNA isn’t in there some where?

Yes, weep America and despair!  Economic downturn is no longer the worst of our problems.  This is.  Really.  If you want me, I’ll be in the corner of my closet, hiding from the coming apocalypse of bad singing, worse writing and too much hair product.