Monthly Archives: February 2011
So today while I was working on book editing, I came across something that screamed “MORNING BLOG” because what goes better with your coffee, bagel and schmear than vagina jewelry? Yup, it seems that someone out in cyber space, was amusing themselves with Sculpy for fun and profit. They crafted a Va Jay Jay ring to sell. Here is the ad:
Okay, let me get this straight. $23 for a discreet ring of a Yoni? I don’t know about you but nothing says inconspicuous like a rainbow-colored pussy on your finger!
I just don’t understand this kind of “wymin power” fashion statement. I know men can do some really strange things but I have yet to see a single one wearing a giant penis as a ring or a necklace. Penis jewelry seems to be mainly relegated to “joke” charms, candy necklaces for bachelorette parties and Mardi Gras beads. I don’t see men proclaiming “male power” by wearing junk jewelry. If they were that proud of their junk, they would just whip it out and show it off. Especially if they’re drunk.
I’m sorry, I just don’t get it. Do women actually buy these things? Do they wear vagina jewelry voluntarily and not because they lost a bet? Just for the record, I wouldn’t wear a necklace of my big toe either. It’s creepy. You know what else is creepy? Vagina cupcakes.
Is it just me or is this what Muppet Va Jay Jay’s look like? Come on, you’ve seen Avenue Q. Those puppets aren’t just for public television anymore.
Bottom line, if you want to be proud of your bits (male or female), I think that’s great. Be proud of them in the privacy of your own home. Please.
No, not in San Francisco Bay or even off the large expanses of tawny Newport sand, these are from Michigan. Yeah, Lake Michigan. As in Green Bay Packers, cheese heads, won the Super Bowl, Michigan. Stupid Michigan. Anyway, it seems there are icebergs in Lake Michigan. It’s THAT cold up there. Not only are there icebergs but some of the coolest looking icebergs I’ve ever seen. So I figured I would share before I went back to setting up my writing/publishing business and trying to discover new ways to get Alan Rickman to marry me but that’s another story.
I’ve seen Lake Michigan. It looks like the Pacific Ocean, off the coast of San Francisco, on a lowering day. Yeah, I know it’s a lake but from the shore it looks like an ocean, it’s that big. It’s cold, it’s dangerous and I wouldn’t want to have to ply its waters on a regular basis. But did it get cold enough for icebergs? I mean, icebergs have to break off from a huge chunk of ice somewhere.
Well, the reports of the amazing striped icebergs are true:
The only problem is, they aren’t in Lake Michigan or anywhere near Lake Michigan. In fact these natural beauties were found and photographed by Oyvind Tangen, a Norwegian sailor while on a research ship 660 miles north of the Antarctic a few years ago. That doesn’t make them less impressive but makes me think that some people will believe anything if it’s sent to you in an email.
This is what Lake Michigan does look like in the winter during a freeze:
Still very pretty but not the impressive colors of the icebergs. So as you start your day, remember there are natural examples of beauty out there for us to enjoy if we just look for them. Try not to litter or spill oil on the ice.
By the way, my mother just called. She asked “how’s the snow?” What snow? She informed me it snowed in San Francisco last night for the first time in forever. Ummm, I’m looking across the bay right now and I don’t see snow. If there was snow, it couldn’t have been measurable snow. I mean, I’m right across the bay. There is a park outside my window and a marina. I don’t see snow. Hell, I didn’t even see frost this morning. I guess I’ll have to find out if there was snow now. This day is getting stranger and stranger.
I know, I have been lax and remiss and a bunch of other fifty dollar words I can’t think of right now. These are the things I have learned since Wednesday:
* When you nick yourself shaving, don’t wear tight pants the next day.
* When you are getting up at 5:30 in the morning to drive to LA, don’t stay out partying in The City, going to Sushi A Go Go and having tiki drinks in a sunken pirate ship hidden in a building that looks like it hosts raves.
* When you do go into The City and do those things anyway because you like your friends and had a great time, make sure to get chai first thing in the morning when you drive.
* Traffic in Los Angeles sucks ass.
* Diving into Irish Car Bombs, Dogs Bollocks and a rum & tequilla drink the size of your head is always better with friends.
* Blisters are NOT your friend.
* Bacon always makes everything better.
* Cocoa cakes made with Jack Daniel’s is always the right way to end a night.
* Purple carrots taste better than orange ones.
* Everything looks better by candlelight.
* Home Improvement shows are cool.
* Concept cars are cool. VW Bugs with small plastic animals and Barbies glued all over them, aren’t.
* Alan Rickman really needs to marry me. I’ve already picked out three houses he can buy me.
* The Pacific Ocean looks better in Southern California than Northern California.
* Newport has beaches. San Francisco has coastline.
* Beaches are better.
* It’s hard to write when you don’t have a computer and you can’t find a pen.
* Don’t try too hard to figure out the mysterious lights that appear out in the middle of nowhere on I-5.
* Realize the want of a crab sandwich doesn’t translate into the instant having of one.
* Coming to the realization that loud, shrieking drunk girls are annoying no matter how much money they have, where they live or what they wear.
Well, that is all for now. I am off to write for the rest of the week, travel to places exotic and unknown and return with tales to amaze (or at least find out if they have Twilight freaks in the Gold Country.
So Tuesday, I grabbed my friend Kristin and we went to the museum. One of the advantages of being out of work is that you can take off in the middle of the day to see an exhibit and what an exhibit it was. Pulp Fashion: The Art of Isabelle de Borchgrave is really not to be missed.
Please note that although the exhibit is listed on the De Young Museum website, it’s not at the De Young. It’s at the Legion of Honor and linked via the De Young as they are sister museums. This was a good thing and a bad thing. A bad thing because we parked at the De Young in the garage, were greeted by a snooty employee who told us we were in the wrong place and was generally unpleasant. It’s a shame because I had wanted to see the new refurbishment on the De Young and this woman really didn’t make me want to come back any time soon. She gave us no direction other than “It’s at the Legion of Honor”. That’s nice. You know, I was born here but that doesn’t mean I know where anything is in this city. I haven’t lived here since I was four. Fortunately we were there for only 10 minutes so we weren’t charged for parking. The parking attendant told us where to go and gave us directions. THANK YOU! Hey! Museum people! You need to can the woman upstairs and give her money to the parking guy.
So we were off to the Legion of Honor. I’ve never been there before and let me tell you, it’s beautiful. It’s right on the water, the views are amazing and there is free parking in the small lot and by the side of the road. Free Parking alone is a pearl without price here in The City. The admission to the museum and the exhibit was $15. Hell, when movies are $12, this is a bargain.
There are times you need to do a double take to make sure what you are seeing isn’t fabric. They even have a yard of cut silk velvet with gold thread under glass. The docent said a similar piece came up for auction at Sotheby’s and sold for over a million dollars.
After the exhibit, we took in the rest of the museum. The have a huge collection of Rodin. I never saw any kind of high tech security system but since these items weigh a ton I doubt you could get them out without many people and the correct kind of transportation equipment.
I highly recommend you visit this museum. The exhibit will be here until June 5th. If you are really short of cash, the first Tuesday of each month, all museums are free.
I think we are all aware of the “pants on the ground” prison “fashion” adopted by so many losers over the past decade. Even with the societal mocking, the videos of criminals caught because they tripped on their overlong long pants (it’s hard to hold your loot and your pants at the same time) and having an old man mock them in a song he made up for American Idol, they still don’t get it. In case you were one of the five people on the planet that missed the song, here it is:
Well today for Whack-A-Doodle Wednesday, I want to talk about the polar opposite problem – Pit Pants. Ah, yes, this has been a phenom since the concept of “nerds” hit modern culture. Poor, clueless souls have been dressing in this unfortunate manner for at least fifty years and it really needs to stop.
Let’s examine a few examples of what not to do:
Ah yes, The Pants. The pants should not be so high on the waist that it’s strangling your junk in a camel toe material fist of death. You should never have diagonal marks around your crotch. Your pants should not be showing your socks, especially white ones. This is why people call these pants “high waters” or “floods”. You don’t want to look like you are trying to keep the bottoms of your pants dry while you are wading through standing water.
Here is another example:
Urkel! Who watched that show? I didn’t. I was too busy having a life, working for charity and dressing up in other strange clothes but that’s another story. Don’t be Urkel. These pants are so high I can almost hear his junk screaming in protest. Unless you are wearing this look for Halloween, don’t ever go out of the house looking like this. Even if you are in your forties, people will still stuff you in a trash can. Also those suspenders where never cool. Just think about it. Robin Williams, Doug Henning…yeah. I realize we all made mistakes when we were young but you can fix that now. Just don’t do it.
And for a bit of a more modern reference:
Napoleon Dynamite. Yeah, this is someone dressed like him for Halloween but you get the idea. This was an odd indy film starring an even odder social reject with incredibly poor fashion sense. Gentlemen, please take note. If you stick your pants into boots, they are STILL floods and mock worthy. No one dresses like this unless you are mucking out a stall. Also iron-on slogan T’s went out of style when you were eight.
It should also be noted that none of the shirt styles worn with these pants are cool or attractive. If you have these in your closet, set them on fire immediately. I hope in some small way, the percentage of you that are guilty of these fashion fatalities will see the error of your ways and hie thee to a better dressed friend for advice.
Who am I kidding? Guys who have their pants stuck in their armpits are so clueless as to their horrid dress sense they will not recognize their error or the need to rectify it. I guess the good news is having their nuts in a polyester strangle hold for so long will minimize the chance of them reproducing. Hell, just dressing like this will greatly reduce the chance of them ever having sex. Perhaps the next generation will be spared the pit pants horror.
Do you know people who can’t manage their money? Rich people or I should say, people who use to be rich? Allow me to explain. I have found in my experience there are three kinds of rich people.
– The Responsible Rich
– The Irresponsible, Thieving Rich
– The Newly Poor Rich
The Responsible Rich are either people who grew up with money but had parents that didn’t hand them everything or they earned their money through hard work. If their family had money, they had to work on the family business and didn’t get a trust fund dumped on them when they were eighteen. They know the value of a dollar, work hard for their money and treat people as they wish to be treated. The other version of the Responsible Rich are rich people who use to be poor. They know what it’s like to live on pasta and potatoes. They save for a rainy day, don’t blow all their money on cocaine, hookers and giant initial pendants covered in diamonds. They are generous but mindful of fiscal responsibility. This is how I wish all people would be regardless of their financial circumstances. They live within their means, save for a rainy day and don’t look down on people because they provide you a service (like cutting your grass or cleaning your house).
Then there are the Irresponsible Thieving Rich. These are the ones who make the tabloids. They usually run large corporations, screw people out of their life savings so they can get a seven figure year-end bonus and have no souls. We hear about them in the news and I wonder why more of them aren’t in jail instead of some idiot who was busted for growing pot in his basement. Then I realize – “Oh yeah, they’re rich!” The worst offenders in this category are the Irresponsible Hollywood Rich. When they aren’t flashing their mini-skirted “cash and prizes” in public, running people down with their SUVs or crying crocodile tears for breaking parole and not wanting to go to jail, they are stealing. It’s how the rich stay rich. How do I know? I’ve seen it.
Years ago when I was working for AIDS Project Los Angeles, we had a fashion show fundraiser with Gianni Versace. There were many “names” at that event. Not one, not two but at least two dozen of them that I saw were stealing anything that wasn’t nailed down. Ladies would walk in with tiny, thin handbags and would walk out with those same purses looking like chipmunk cheeks stuffed full of nuts. They had expensive gift bags for crying out loud but nooooo, they needed to take the hotels silverware, the Versace patterned napkins, mini-lamp shades and even a TABLE CLOTH! Yes, these are people you know and they are scum. Stealing from people with AIDS and to what end? Since Gianni needed these for his next show in Milan, our company would have to pay to replace them. Good going glitterati!
Who came to my rescue? Steven Seagal! I love that man more than words can say. I knew he was a friend of Gianni’s so I went up to him, told him what was happening and pointed out the worst offender as he was making his get away. I took great pleasure in seeing that very tall Mr. Seagal putting him up against a wall and literally shaking the stolen merchandise out from under his suit. He is exactly like he is in his movies. It was like watching “Under Siege” for real only without all the guns.
The last type of rich person to look at is the Newly Poor Rich. These are people who were raised rich or became rich and then lost their money. It can be through the crash or bad investments but usually through no direct fault of their own. Their problem is they have no idea how to be poor. I don’t mean how to beg for money with a cardboard sign. I mean, economize, budget, live within their means. They’ve never had an issue with spending money and don’t understand why you shouldn’t be buying lattes every day, why you should eat at home instead of eating out, why you should bring a sandwich to work, etc. They just don’t get it and are driving themselves more and more into debt in a desperate attempt to maintain a lifestyle they can no longer afford. Sad really.
So what can we do, besides print money for ourselves and wait for the day our Skynet overlords decide to take over the planet? I say we live by example. Be frugal, live within your means. You want a treat, fine! You want five treats? Think about that. When at all possible buy locally. I know it’s hard to restart the economy by buying American-made goods since we make so little now but supporting your local Mom and Pop stores is the next best thing. Discover the joys and cost savings of cooking at home instead of eating out. And let’s not forget the most important thing of all, remember the people who behave badly and use their behaviour as object lessons. There is nothing wrong with working hard, having nice things and spending that money. It’s all on the choices you make, either rich or poor. In the words of the immortal Stan Lee, “With great power comes great responsibility.”