Pants Under Your Pits – A Gentleman’s Guide To Dressing
I think we are all aware of the “pants on the ground” prison “fashion” adopted by so many losers over the past decade. Even with the societal mocking, the videos of criminals caught because they tripped on their overlong long pants (it’s hard to hold your loot and your pants at the same time) and having an old man mock them in a song he made up for American Idol, they still don’t get it. In case you were one of the five people on the planet that missed the song, here it is:
Well today for Whack-A-Doodle Wednesday, I want to talk about the polar opposite problem – Pit Pants. Ah, yes, this has been a phenom since the concept of “nerds” hit modern culture. Poor, clueless souls have been dressing in this unfortunate manner for at least fifty years and it really needs to stop.
Let’s examine a few examples of what not to do:
Ah yes, The Pants. The pants should not be so high on the waist that it’s strangling your junk in a camel toe material fist of death. You should never have diagonal marks around your crotch. Your pants should not be showing your socks, especially white ones. This is why people call these pants “high waters” or “floods”. You don’t want to look like you are trying to keep the bottoms of your pants dry while you are wading through standing water.
Here is another example:
Urkel! Who watched that show? I didn’t. I was too busy having a life, working for charity and dressing up in other strange clothes but that’s another story. Don’t be Urkel. These pants are so high I can almost hear his junk screaming in protest. Unless you are wearing this look for Halloween, don’t ever go out of the house looking like this. Even if you are in your forties, people will still stuff you in a trash can. Also those suspenders where never cool. Just think about it. Robin Williams, Doug Henning…yeah. I realize we all made mistakes when we were young but you can fix that now. Just don’t do it.
And for a bit of a more modern reference:
Napoleon Dynamite. Yeah, this is someone dressed like him for Halloween but you get the idea. This was an odd indy film starring an even odder social reject with incredibly poor fashion sense. Gentlemen, please take note. If you stick your pants into boots, they are STILL floods and mock worthy. No one dresses like this unless you are mucking out a stall. Also iron-on slogan T’s went out of style when you were eight.
It should also be noted that none of the shirt styles worn with these pants are cool or attractive. If you have these in your closet, set them on fire immediately. I hope in some small way, the percentage of you that are guilty of these fashion fatalities will see the error of your ways and hie thee to a better dressed friend for advice.
Who am I kidding? Guys who have their pants stuck in their armpits are so clueless as to their horrid dress sense they will not recognize their error or the need to rectify it. I guess the good news is having their nuts in a polyester strangle hold for so long will minimize the chance of them reproducing. Hell, just dressing like this will greatly reduce the chance of them ever having sex. Perhaps the next generation will be spared the pit pants horror.