Monthly Archives: June 2011

Technical difficulties

I am away from my Mac so I’m typing with my things on an app for my iPhone. I hit the button a little early. Right now we are waiting for a bus to take u’s to Doris Dukes estate of Shangra la. Middle eastern art isn’t my thing per say but I’m willing to give anything a go. Here is a pic from the Honolulu academy of arts while we are waiting for transport to the estate,


Airport Maddness

Landing in another State is always strange but it’s made stranger yet when that State is basically another country. Welcome to Hawaii – where it’s sticky but it’s paradise so you don’t care.


The County Fair – Old School Meets The Sham Wow!

This past Saturday afternoon, after attending a wedding of exotic proportions, my friends and I decided to go to the Alamada County Fair. I haven’t been to a county or state fair since dinosaurs roamed the Earth. I thought it would be an interesting thing to do. I was pretty amazed by the modern-day fair. It was far cleaner than I remember. We didn’t stay the whole day due to the wedding occupying our morning and early afternoon but it was still worth the $10 admission price. We arrived around 3 PM and I was pleasantly surprised. While we didn’t frequent any of the death on wheels carnival rides, run by people with bad dental plans and questionable maintenance records, we did take in the rest of the sights.

After a quick stroll through a metal detector and a bag search, we were free to roam. There was a heavily attended sheep compound with kids trying to catch said sheep. Small city kids don’t understand running at the sheep in a blind fury just stampedes them. Sheep are prey animals and are hard-wired to run from anything running at them. Alas, for the very small, that is the fun so let them have it. It’s better than them sitting home on their ever-spreading asses playing Mario Cart on the Wii.

We checked out a lot of the main exhibits as we are mature and not into riding the mechanical bull. Sure it looked fun but I was about to go on vacation and didn’t want to break my neck or fly to Hawaii in traction. We saw rows upon rows of bunnies, ducks, geese, quail and all manner of yummy bits of fluff for sale in small cages or compounds. For the most part, these were for pets and not for eating though those huge English Lop-ear rabbits could have fed an army and made a nice toddlers coat.

We glanced at some of the carny food offerings however since we had just grazed on twelve courses of Chinese/Vietnamese food we were stuffed. By the way, the Mayflower restaurant in Milpitas is wonderful! I ate so much I swear my waist is as big as Aunt Pitty’s. Needless to say, corn dogs were out and I was not as tempted by deep-fried goodies as I would have been. Though there were not nearly as much fried food on a stick offerings as I anticipated. Fried food on a stick seems to be a fair staple nation-wide but we are behind the times or perhaps ahead on the health curve.

According to their website, the Minnesota fair has a list of food guaranteed to cut your life expectancy by 10 years. I am not exaggerating when I say that there was at least 50 offerings of deep-fried yummy, fatty death on a stick for your eating pleasure. Suffice to stay here the stick options were minimal here. There was an exotic meat booth although I’m kind of leery about the lion. I admit I was interested. I am on a mission to meet exotic animals and eat them but I didn’t want to chow down on anything endangered. I also had to wonder where they got the lion anyway. My friend suggested that perhaps it was an old circus lion past it’s prime. I really don’t want to eat old, stringy lion. That doesn’t sound very appetizing.

They were serving crickets and I love crickets. However I am a cricket snob and I was afraid they wouldn’t prepare the crickets as well as I was used to. I doubt a fair booth would wok fry them in basil, garlic and chillies, then toss them up with some crispy noodles like Typhoon in Santa Monica does. Life is too short to eat bad crickets. Besides, I was full. I went for a cone of soft-serve ice cream which was decent. About the same as Dairy Queen so that was fine.

We ambled about various exhibition halls looking at various exhibits. I seem to remember from my childhood that county fairs had far more livestock exhibits. Perhaps we missed them in our rush to peruse grade school dioramas. It did my heart good to know that some kids still know how to make dioramas out of a shoe box rather than just sit around and twiddle their thumbs with their game boys.

Some of the crafts were really spectacular while others left much to be desired. We left these shaking our heads and thinking we should enter something in the fair next year. Our various sewing projects/table settings and photographs are sure to win blue ribbons. I was a bit disappointed with the 4-H cake booth. I know, I know, it is 2011 but they were selling cake and I imagined slices of homemade goodness. Alas, their cake was made from a box with the help of Betty Crocker. I don’t eat processed food or desserts when I can at all help it. I want a real cake that you made from scratch. Hey, 4-H people get out the flour and sugar and butter. Make me a cake with love just like you lovingly raise your lambs and pigs so that I could eat them. Just an idea for next year.

We continued our trek with forays into the exhibition buildings. These showcased products you could find on television like the Sham Wow! These sales people were scary. It was like being in Tijuana and having little kids chasing after you, trying to sell you Chiclets or a paper mache donkey. You had to walk down the middle of the aisle, using your peripheral vision. Why? Because if the sales person caught your eye even for a second you would be inundated with a sales pitch to buy eyeliner but that doesn’t come off or an electric nose hair clipper. The most disconcerting booth was the Christian one where they want you to open doors to show you what Jesus would or would not do. Hey, Jesus is my fiancé and I know what he would and would not do. Believe me, it would surprise you. First on the list is not going to the fair to open little doors all about doom and redemption. He would love to hang out in the beer and wine garden but the selection wasn’t to his taste. At least this booth was not as scary as the Republican booth hawking Sarah Palin statues and tracts on the evils of Obama Socialism.

I did enjoy the horticultural exhibits and garden displays. Some were so lovely and relaxing, we wanted to crawl up on the grass, lay down under one of these lovely gazebos and take a nap. I wonder how much it would cost to transplant these designs into our own backyards? Perhaps after the fair they can raffle off these designs for charity and have the designers just transfer them into people’s backyards. Just a suggestion. We really liked the design that incorporated vegetables side-by-side with flowers. You can enjoy your beautiful flowers and pick squash at same time.

Well I was exhausted, with the wedding and watching my friend’s devour a funnel cake as big as your head so we decided to call it a day. I wish I had a little more time. It was good family fun. I will say after a small child ran into me, fell down, started crying and looked at me like I was Satan, I should get a booth to sell leashes for small kids or at least very tall hats. Kid, you ran into me with your little 3-year-old feet. I’m tall, you’re not. Take a lesson from the sheep. If you don’t want to get hurt, run away from the tall people, not into them.

Why Are Berkeley Bikers Always Naked?

Honestly, I want to know what the fascination is with nakidity in the People’s Republic of Berkeley? It seems this past weekend, a dozen “let it all hang out” people gathered for Berkeley’s World Naked Bike Ride 2011. I have no idea if there was a 2010 ride. And before you ask, yes, it’s always the people who shouldn’t that do. You are not going to see any Playboy Playmates or Spartan warriors riding nude in Berkeley.

To be fair, the police did try to corral the naked people or at least told them to cover up as long as they were in People’s Park. It seems there are regulations about being in the buff on University property though that didn’t stop the “naked guy” who went to UC and walked around town in the all together.

If you want a 2 minute video of naked, aging hippies talking to a pretty mellow cop and then riding their bikes naked, click here:

Personally I don’t care if you want to ride nude but I think it would be uncomfortable especially with huge, pendulous, unsupported breasts or your wedding tackle waving in the breeze. Yeah, just a typical day in Hippieville though I will say this. I would rather have naked old people riding the streets over clothed criminals smashing businesses and setting buildings on fire. Yup, I’ll go with the nudists over that anytime.

Sarah Palin Has The Power To Change History

So as you may or may not know, Whack-A-Doodle Queen Sarah Palin is at it again. Believe me, every time that woman opens her mouth it is a blessing to comedy writers everywhere but this time she is re-writing history with her ignorance and it’s disturbing.

It seems that instead of Revere alerting the colonists that the “British were coming”, he was running about ringing bells in the face of the British Officers. I suppose in her mind, alerting the British to our treasonous acts in advance was a good plan.

“Hey! Redcoat guy! I know we’re subjects of the King and everything but we want to rule ourselves so we are rebelling. Thought you should know that! Here, let me ring this bell in your face and waggle my fanny in your direction and tell you that you aint takin’ our guns!”

Ummmmmm, really? Think I’m exaggerating (beyond the exaggeration for the funny?), then check out the actual tape.

From my point of view, I see a clueless woman who doesn’t know jack about what she is talking about. She is just running her mouth hoping to sound intelligent and reasonable to her “base”. This reminds me of the standard beauty pageant question session.

“So Miss Alaska, what do you think is the greatest threat facing our society today?”

“Well Jim, I think that the World is a wonderful place with so much promise and hopes and dreams that I would want that world to be wrapped up in all the hopes and dreams of all the people of the world no matter what their religion, color or coffee preference may be. I think threats should be conquered with hopes and dreams and world peace. Thank you.”

Yeah, her answer was like that. But it didn’t stop there. The rabid, tin-foil hat wearing, nut jobs out there (you know who you are), actually think this idiot is the next Messiah. They hang on her every word. They not only believe her but are posting her version of “history” as the real thing. There was a word war going on over on Wikipedia where her followers were editing the Paul Reveres Midnight Ride page to reflect Sarah’s slant (because if it’s in Wiki it’s true) and normal people were changing it back.

Check out some of the links on the discussion page! There are too many to list here but they are great fun.

Also in the interest of fairness, check out this fabulous, funny radio show clip (Majority Report w/ Sam Seder) that mentions the Wiki issue AND it includes a clip of Palin on FOX News insisting that she was right and explaining why:

I have no idea what it will take to make Caribou Barbie go away. I have no idea why some people are so stupid that they believe what she says. She could say the moon was made out of swiss cheese and people would believe her. Not only that but they would throw themselves on their own swords in defense of her idiot ramblings.

So the question today is this: “What can we as reasonable people do to combat this, aside from dumping her on a desert island?” Ideas anyone?

Angry Birds & Other PC Phenoms

So for today’s Monday Morning Funnies, I thought I would combine animals with computers. Hell, we all remember Pac-Man. Fine… SOME of us remember Pac-Man. What was Pac-Man anyway? A social rebellion against the yellow smiley face of the 1970’s. Was someone tired of being told “Have A Nice Day” via merchandise? Perhaps it was a parody of cheese gobbling up the ghostly masses or it was just the Japanese being bizarre again. Hell, they invented the baddest rubber monster ever to stomp Tokyo flat on a regular basis so I wouldn’t put it past them.

Now that we have moved gaming away from televisions and computers and onto mobile devices, a new sherif is in town. Angry Birds. Never heard of it? What, have you been living in a cave? Go to the iTunes store right now and download it. You can get a free version to try out though the regular version is not very pricy (I have two – the regular one and the Rio version). Besides the paid version has better graphics and more levels.

The point? Slingshot birds at obstacles where bulbous green pigs are hiding. Clear the level and move on. Though it’s not as easy as it sounds. Those pigs are crafty. You will need to use strategy and some geometry to hit the more elaborate structures right in order the kill those dastardly pigs!

Some people have taken their Angry Birds creativity to a new level. This person built a working replica of the game out of cake for their son’s birthday. I want one! You really need to see this.

Do you play? What is your favorite Angry Bird story? Strategy? Could you care less about slingshot flinging birds and round green pigs? Inquiring minds want to know.

Finance Fridays – Don’t Wear A Mini Skirt To A Job Interview Unless…

You are interviewing for a man.

It’s sad but true. It’s amazing what men say in front of the “temporary help”. It’s a bit Victorian actually. You know? The time when rich people had fancy “below stairs” house servants they treated like furniture? If you were a maid you would turn and FACE THE WALL when the Lady of the House or the Master came by so they would not be discomforted by your very servile presence. Unless of course they wanted something. Orders issued such as “wash my clothes”, “clean out the fireplace” or “lick my knob”. The usual.

I thought we had grown beyond that. But, not so much. When “the Men In Charge” think no one is listening and they don’t really count temps as people, they say what they mean. It seems the rich and powerful want young, nubile, brainless bimbs with big boobs who are “hot”. It doesn’t matter if they are qualified. It doesn’t matter if they are a good employee. Over 30? Next. Do you weigh more than 125 pounds? Next. Do you lack the looks of a Hollywood star? Next.

Sure, it’s illegal but how are you going to prove it? We are always told to dress professionally to an interview but I have seen young, thin girls who wear a band-aid as a skirt get hired and after the interview the men were talking about the skirt. “Yeah, that’s hot. Hire her!” I was aghast.

At one point I was asked to interview candidates and give my opinion. The one I thought was perfect in temperament and job skills they didn’t want because she was “too fat”. The one they wanted had little experience in finance or marketing (the majority of her job duties) but she had tons of experience in giggling and stuffing boobs way too large and hard to naturally fit on her body, into a sweater two sizes too small.

Does it always happen this way? No. But it happens more than I am comfortable with. So what is a girl to do? I say keep standing up for high moral standards. Why? Because the brainless bimbs won’t keep these jobs long and sooner or later those men are going to figure out why. Besides I don’t think working for a place like that is such a great idea. I mean, who wants to work full-time for such morally bankrupt people.

Solution? Ask yourself what you love to do, what you do really well and focus on those things for permanent work. Temp work? Take whatever pays! It’s an old adage but a good one – it’s always easier to find work when you have work.

Grandma’s Boyfriend and other chuckles

So today for the Monday Morning Funnies, here are a few jokes that I got from my family via email/snail mail and random people I mugged on the street.

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’

Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’

The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend…’

The minister fainted.

A lady approaches her priest and tells him “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say “Hi we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!”

Finance Fridays – Don’t Be Hasty And Rush To Judgement

I have learned one thing through the years, things are not always as they seem. Human beings tend to make judgements based on very little information. Don’t let the nasty voice in the back of your head influence you before you have more information. Let me give you an example.

Back in the eighties I got a call from one of my temp agencies. I had been out of work for two weeks (which was a long time back then) and they had an assignment they wanted me for. Their great pitch started out with “We really hope you can do this because the woman you’ll work for is a real bitch. She’s gone though six people already and we’re stuck.” Immediately I think “Great. I don’t want to work for some psychotic bitch but I need to pay the bills so I’ll take the assignment and see how it goes.”

Guess what? That temp job turned into a permanent position. My boss wasn’t a bitch at all. The agency just send incompetent people. She was one of my best bosses ever! Now if I had made my decision based on the impression my recruiter had, I would have missed out on one of the best opportunities ever.

When I went to interview for my current job I was thinking “hmmm, it’s a bit far from mass transit to this office. Do I really want to hike all that way?” Well, I went on the interview, really liked the people and that hike wasn’t as bad as I thought. Heck, it’s only 10 minutes and good exercise to boot!

Now if people yell at you, throw things at you or threaten to hold your head under water until no more bubbles come up (seen and hear them all), run but give things a chance first. You never know what opportunities will present themselves. Remember you can’t move forward if you are standing still.

Vajazzling Diversifies – Meet Pejazzling

So today for Whack-A-Doodle Wednesday I’m making a trip back to the wild and wacky world of Vagazzling only with a twist. It seems the men want in on this disco ball of genital fun. Yes, thanks to the Daily Mail (and who doesn’t thank them for their People Magazine brand of news), I was alerted to the latest fad of Pejazzling.

That’s right men, you heard me right! You can glitter your regulation hockey stick! Crystals on your disco balls just say festive fun! How about a tribal tattoo pointing towards your wedding tackle? I mean the ladies can get lost and nothing says “Hey, it’s right here!” like a zig-zag design in black Swarovski crystals.

What is wrong with people?! I don’t want to stick crystals on my kitty and I certainly don’t want my man sticking crystals on his candy! That is just wrong. Now I am sure there are attention whore men out there. These are the ones who think so highly of their Meat & Potatoes that they have to encrust it in bling like a Brittany Spears stripper pole. I think this means one of two things. Either you have a miniscule jimmy and you think it will be enhanced by the grill work or you really have a very low opinion of yourself and your best buddy, Though I suppose if you want to be “best dressed” at Rapture 2.5 – October, a glittery weenis could be a talking point with the rest of the Puritan pukes riding the rainbow bridge to the afterlife.

No one wants to see bright red rhinestone lips on your thigh, your stomach or your polish kelbasa. I just can’t imagine the glue they use to stick these stones on is all that stable. Hell, the crystals fall of my jeans if I just look at them wrong. I can’t imagine skin being a better sticking canvas than denim. I mean after a few days, those lips can look like a deflated balloon and that’s the image you don’t want next to your pet python.

Do me a favor men – don’t do this. Prove to the world that your brains don’t drain our of your ears when the blood rushes out and heads South for spring break.