Conversation Hearts: The First Sign Of The Apocalypse

Well, another stupid Valentine’s Day and I have run out of topics. I’ve covered horrible Valentine’s dates I have had, what not to do, and having to give cards to every kid in class. So today I’m going to talk about the iconic Valentine candy. It’s what bad fruitcake is to Christmas – the Conversation Heart. You know what I’m talking about. Those little candies shaped like hearts, with little sayings on them, that taste like chalk.

It appears that NECCO started this trend of conversation candies in 1866. They designed a machine that was able to press words into their wafer-shaped candy. This allowed for longer sayings. Some of the humdingers made for weddings were: “Married in pink, he will take a drink”, “Married in White, you have chosen right”, and “Married in Satin, Love will not be lasting”. Wow, how nice! You insult my color and fabric choices on my wedding day but hey, you have to remember, that was back in the 1800’s. It was funny to mock women! After all, you weren’t as smart as a man. It made sense to have a candy heart inform you that your pink wedding dress would turn your husband into an alcoholic.

These wafer candies morphed into shapes such as watches, baseballs and postcards for your standard Valentine sentiments. I have no idea what I would think if some guy who gave me a candy wafer, shaped like a baseball. How thoughtful? How odd? I suppose back then I wouldn’t be allowed to gift him in return with a candy-shaped broom or baby because God knows we ladies didn’t play sports. We just cleaned the house and repopulated the Earth.

In 1902 the little bits of chalky candy love started production. Yes boys and girls, those hearts have been around for nearly 110 years and they taste like it too. I don’t know anyone who actually sits down and polishes off a box of those things.

Many companies have now jumped on the conversation heart bandwagon. In recent times, they have tried to update them with messages such as “text me” or “email me”, giving them more dynamic colors and flavors. For some reason they have never caught on. The chalk eating lemmings have risen up to protest the modernization of their stale ass candy. Now I think that just about anything you do to these things is an improvement.

I give gold stars to these “naughty hearts” because the sentiments seem more genuine to me:

I also found these Twilight hearts in a candy store around Halloween:

I bought them as a joke gift for a friend. I had higher hopes in the taste department for these since they are made by Sweet Tarts and who doesn’t like Sweet Tarts? Then I realized I read the package wrong. It said “Sweethearts”, not “Sweet Tarts”. They are the same NECCO product. They have phrases like “Bite Me”, “Live 4 Ever” and “Soul Mate” on them. A few of the advertised flavors are “Orange Obsession” and “Tempting Apple”. Who doesn’t like apple or orange even with the obsessive, stalker overtones?

Yeah, these hearts suck. They are even worse than the original chalky hearts. Why? It’s the ground up vampires they add to the candy mix. It seems these candies “sparkle”. Yes, the douchy sparkle was one of the reasons I bought them but adding whatever semi-edible glitter substance you have to satisfy your sparkle claim, makes them taste horrid. These are worse than chalk. Though on the upside you can really taste the dead vampire. It tastes a lot like despair.

So today in San Francisco, a storm has rolled in. The heavens weep for chalky candy hearts everywhere. I think I’m going back to bed.

Twilight: A Movie Observation

Due to popular demand and the fact that I am writing this week, I am posting some classic blogs. First up is my observation of the first Twilight movie and what I think of this piece of literary dreck.

Okay, let me just say that I’ve read three of the four angst filled vampire books that have been sweeping the nation. While I’ven’t read Breaking Dawn, of the first three books in the series, Twilight was the best. The others are even more confusing and angst filled if that is possible. Why am I going on about the book? Because I am going to compare the book and the movie. If you haven’t read the book – tough. Deal with it.

So the premise is that Bella Swan comes to a tiny Washington town called Forks. I pictured more tress but then I was also thinking that Forks was in Oregon for some reason so there ya go. Vampires should pick Oregon to hang out in because there are only 500 people living in the entire State. Anyway…

Her Dad is the head cop. I pictured their house a little more… rustic. Smaller, more cave like. I mean, we all know that men on their own, live like bears with furniture unless they are gay. Then they live like a spread from Architectural Digest.

So Bella goes to school and meets…. The Cullens. They are white. I don’t mean Caucasian, I mean WHITE like marble. They are beautiful, stuck up and odd in a … well, out of time way. You have Rosalie who is perfect. The blond ice bitch from hell that no one would ever have a chance with even if she wasn’t undead. There is her hulking jock boyfriend who has that striking jarhead look and has no neck. The best Cullen kid is Alice. Perky, quirky and totally cool. She’s dragging around a newly turned vampire who has this glazed look on his face. It’s the look most people get when they are in a room full of bloody steak and lamb chops and fois gras and have been forced to eat lettuce and tofu for the past year or 5. You think he’s going to take down the next student like a hunting lion. Oooooo, if you have ever seen Mike Judge’s new show The Goode Family about that whacky PC, vegan family – he looks like the perpetually starved “vegan dog”.

Now Bella and Edward, because let’s face it, these are the two everyone is gaga about. Ummmm, not pretty enough. I know, no one ever writes angsty books about romantic ugly people. It doesn’t happen. They are beautiful people that have a “fatal flaw”. Hers is that she’s clumsy (which I really didn’t see except her falling down once) and his is that he’s an undead bloodsucker. Not really anything to completely offset the fact that they are good looking. I just didn’t think the actors were as good looking as they are suppose to be.

I don’t know about you but Cedric Diggery just doesn’t get my heart going. He’s a good looking kid, don’t get me wrong. But he’sn’t heart stopping, head turning gorgeous. He doesn’t personify the kind of beauty that is only seen in the Angels and nasty dreams in your mind.

Bella, not so much. The dye job on her hair is a mess. My opinion is she needs a type of ethereal beauty to offset what a whiny, angsty, nutty, head case she’s. I would have just let the car hit her and be done with it. I would think a movie about Alice would be much more entertaining anyway.

I’ve heard that people think Edward is a stalker because he’s obsessed with Bellas scent and hangs outside her window for months watching her sleep. Let me explain something to you that only teen girls understand. This is romantic and cool and awesome. It’s warm and happy and safe until sex comes along and ruins everything. One of my friends once said the definition between a stalker and a romantic is whether you like him or not. If you dig him, it’s cool. If he’s a slimy troll, It’s creepy and gross. The problem is most guys don’t understand they are the slimy trolls. No really, you are. Only otherworldly beautiful guys full of mystery and intensity get to watch you sleep from your roof for 3 months. You? Nope, you are a creepy, slimy troll.

Let me also state for the record – Vampires… Don’t… Sparkle!!!! They don’t have skin like diamonds that scintillates in the sun. They are fabulous and gay like Lestat or are brooding & scary like Dracula or are punk & hot & scary like Keifer Sutherland. They Do Not SPARKLE!!!

Here is the basic plot line in a nutshell: Girl moves to small town, vampire likes girl, girl hates boy, girl is intrigued with boy and his mysterious eyes, boy saves girls life, girl obsesses about boy, girls father doesn’t approve of boy (but would rather she bone werewolf boy from the other side of the tracks), girl is happy, boy is happy, girl is in mortal peril as bad guys want to kill/eat her, chase ensues, much self blame is cast, much angst occurs, boy & girl end up together, bad guy plots revenge.

Not very original. It makes me want to hurl when some people who are either idiots or paid off say that the author is the most brilliant storyteller of our time! WTF??! No, not even close. I’ve hundreds of authors I can name that are better than her. She’sn’t fit to wipe the dirt from their shoes. Her writing it pedantic, the plotting is plodding and the angst of the characters only increases as the books continue.

The one good thing about the movie. It’s better than the book and as I said, Twilight has been the best book of the first three that I read. The movie is only a bit shy of 2 hours so you miss out on 6 additional hours of angst and plodding plot line. The movie does speed elements up though the alone time between Edward and Bella is boring as all hell unless you are 14 years old and a girl. If you are a boy and don’t think this is boring, I fear for you because no self respecting gay boy would find this interesting either.

Is this a great movie? No.. Is it a good movie? I’ll give it that on the condition you don’t pay more than $3 which leaves Netflix or a similar rental because movie prices will never be $3 again. If you have a spare hour and 53 minutes that you don’t mind tossing, go for it. I personally think It’s fine to watch while you are doing something else like beading or sewing or double clicking your mouse. Personally I think the best ending for this series would be “And then Buffy staked the whole Cullen family and we all lived happily ever after.”

Twilight Invades Our Lives & Still Won’t Die

So the other day I was in Lucky’s looking for a reasonable price on Mach 3 razor blades because men’s razors are so much better than women’s. It annoys me. They make the good, long-lasting, quality razors for men and make ladies razors second-rate in pretty colors like pink and lavender. But that wasn’t enough. Oh no, it wasn’t bad enough to infantalize us, now they have to insult us as well.

See? Now you can shave your cootch with Bella blades! Isn’t that sexy? Doesn’t that make you feel like a woman? Think this is just a coincidence? Here is the other razor they make:

See? I’m not high! These Twilight razors have lavender-scented handles. Really? Is that necessary? But wait! It gets better!

The Bella razors have “exotic scented handles.” This is ridiculous. I need to shave my bits with smelly handles on my razor? Do the men have exotic smelling handles on THEIR razors? I’m thinking, no. And what scent exactly is “exotic”? Is it musk or plumeria or sandlewood or goat?

The price for these douchey Twilight razors is $6.99 while the regular razors are $5.99. Do you really want to pay an extra dollar for an exotic scented razor for shaving your peesh? Think about it. Personally, I would rather just use my matte black Mach 3.

Looners – 99 Luftballons (& Twilight)

Today for Whack-A-Doodle Wednesday, on a suggestion from a reader, I am exploring a fetish I never knew existed – Looners.  People who are sexually excited by balloons.  Yup, balloons.

Now I had a friend who as terrified of balloons because they pop.  The loud, startling noise which evidently gets some people off, just terrified her.  I have to agree with her.  I don’t like balloons much.  They startle me.  Just like giant guinea pigs or contortionists or Cirque clowns.

It seems there are two types of looners: “Poppers” and “Non-Poppers.” Poppers, like the sound/release of bursting the balloon either by jumping on it, bursting it with a pin, a cigarette or a Ginsu knife while Non-Poppers like to maintain balloon inflation.

As one website put it: “There is much conflict and debate between the two types of looners with non-poppers arguing that the balloon is an entity unto itself and should be spared and the poppers maintaining that the balloon is a representation of the sexual build-up and release. In fact, the debate between the poppers and non-poppers has been known to get so heated that it makes the conflict in the Middle East look like a minor squabble over who ate the last Twinkie.”

Wow.  Really?  I think if the most pressing things on people’s minds were popping or not popping balloons, we would be in a better situation as a country.  Wars?  Schools in the toilet?  People worshipping Sarah Palin?  Non-issues. Now the popping issue, much akin to Team Edward and Team Jacob, is where we should be putting our energy.  Wow.

Look, I don’t judge.  You like balloons, I get that.  I mean you REALLY like balloons.  No problem.  Just don’t bring them around me because I don’t like the popping and getting startled and that squeaky sound they make when you rub them.  I don’t even like balloon animals now that I think about it.  I know, I know, I’m a big commie but honestly, balloon animals are sad and creepy.  Think about it for a minute.  They are all spherical poodle fun until the air starts to leak out of them and then they get all saggy and strange.  You touch their nose and the latex puckers in around your finger and that totally squicks me out.  So Looners, I will leave you to it!

Now if you thought you were going to get away without a Twilight mention… yeah, it wasn’t going to happen.  It seems at a release party there were some injuries when the organizer put slips of paper listing prizes inside inflated balloons that dropped from the ceiling.  Two girls were jumping on giant balloons labeled “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob”, trying to pop the balloons in order to get the prize.  I guess they never heard of a pin.  They bounced into each other and blood ensued.  I would dearly love to report that some crazed “I think I’m a real vampire” fan jumped on the bleeding girl but that wasn’t the case.  The paramedics were called and we never found out if they got their t-shirt or bookmark or whatever prize it was that made them act like morons in the first place.

And speaking of morons, the Award for YouTube Whack-A-Doodle goes to this High Schooler from the UK and her obsessive defense of that citadel to dreck – Breaking Dawn.  It’s 5 minutes long but worth it!  Have fun – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-turfrcQY-w&feature=fvw

Twilight Tattoos – WHY?!

So today for Whack-a-doodle Wednesday, I bring you .. Twilight Tattoos.

There are people, somewhere on this planet, who would think at best “My, that is a nice sentiment.”  Sure but do I want it on my collarbone for all eternity or at least until death do we part?  Ummm, no.

Don’t get me wrong.  This is not a slam on body ink.  I have three tattoos myself.  I just think tattoos should mean something personal to you.  Deep, spiritual, meaningful.  Let me give you an example… a symbol of your religion, your childs face, something that reminds you of a departed loved one, a symbol of empowerment, not “Twilight forever”.

I know, it’s a free country.  People are free to make total asses out of themselves.  As an example of this, fresh from The People of WalMart website is something for you to think about.  This woman has got to be someone’s Mom or old enough to be one.  Aside from the fact that she’s eyeing the Kool Aid a bit too much she has Edward vampire eyes tattooed on her back!  EYES and the word TWILIGHT on her back for the rest of her life.  Was she high?  Did someone drop her on her head as a child?

This whole trend of “who can be the most intense and hardcore idiot fan” is getting a little out of control.  It comforts me a little to know that Robert Pattinson, the actor who plays Edward in these movies pretty much thinks his character is whack and so is Stephenie Meyer.  Here is a clip from an interview he did:

“When I read it … I was convinced that Stephenie was convinced that she was Bella, and … it was like it was a book that wasn’t supposed to be published, like reading her — her sort of sexual fantasy about some — especially when she says that it was based on a dream, and it’s like, “Oh, then I had a dream about this really sexy guy” and she just writes this book about it, and there’s some things about Edward that are just so specific that … I was just convinced that this woman is mad, she’s completely mad, and she’s in love with her own fictional creation. And I sometimes … feel uncomfortable reading this thing, and I think a lot of people feel the same way, that it’s kind of voyeuristic … It creates this sick pleasure in a lot of ways.”

I think he nailed it.  These books are juvenile, repressed sexual fantasies gone wrong.  Creepy.  What’s even more creepy are the myriad of tats to be found on the net.  There were so many I couldn’t show them all here so here is a link for your viewing pleasure.  The portrait of “Edward” who looks like he got hit by a truck is one of my favs.

http://letterstotwilight.wordpress.com/2009/06/22/step-right- up-to-the-circus-sideshow-twilight-tattooed-freaks/

Before I go, I want to leave you with the opinion of the King of the Jungle.  A lion.  Who is suppose to have a lack of higher brain function but after seeing some of these people, I’m not so sure.

Because even animals know how bad you fail.

Repent! Ignorant, Whack-a-doodle New Puritans Coming To A Witch Burning Near You.

OK, I was doing some research for my book and stumbled upon a fanatical Christian website that at first I thought was a joke.  Listen, I do NOT put these idiots in the same category of the many sane, peace-loving, law-abiding, tolerant, intelligent Christians that I know.  In fact, I know those people would speak out against these morons who have hijacked their faith and are turning it into a demented joke.

I was just surfing Google, looking for the date that Twilight was released in movie theatres so I could refine another “why this movie is stupid and lame” review when I came across this doozy.  The article had this amazing title that drew me in.  Thus I present it to you in it’s entirety from the pen (or crayon) of “Abe” – (NOTE: all misspellings and bad grammar are his)

Twilight Vampire Children of the Corn Terrorize Utah Farms with Crop Circles

Satan’s abducted children commited more tomfoolery last night, this time by making crop circles to celebrate their love for the latest movie in the Twilight series, New Moon.

As you know, the ‘new moon’ is heavily used in cult of Wiccans. Wiccans are new-age witches who celebrate Obama and abortion parties by dancing unclothed under the moon and hoping things like demented werewolves, disease upon nations and other devilish things like universal death panels will come to fruition after their bizarre ceremonies.

How sad is it to know that Twilight is now turning all children who see it into Wiccans?

Picture Evidence

ChristWire Digital Media – Aerial photos show that two separate “Twilight”-themed maze patterns have already been cut into the corn — a “Team Jacob” and a “Team Edward.” (In the movie, Bella can choose Edward or Jacob as her boyfriend.) [wait, is this a choose-your-own-adventure story now? -ed.]

Late last night, sleeping Utah children whose parents let them read all the Twilight books and watch the movies were had Satan enter the rooms and then whisper into their ears. Letting your children read books about vampires welcomes Satan into your home, it gives him the keys to your children’s hearts and bodies.

Tiptoeing over their bed, Satan opened his lips and said something sinister like, “Arise, young fornicated Twilight heathens, and go do my bidding in the local farmyards.”

I am sick and appalled that there are parents out there who let Satan do such things to their kids. Unable to fight off his words because their spiritual person was weakened by all the premarital fornication and blood death in the Twilight movies, these children had no choice but to let Satan enter their bodies and lead them out to these cornfields. We can all see the result of what he wanted them to do; make Twilight vampire wolf crop circles to celebrate this sadistic film by Mr. JK Rowling.

Dear friends, how many more times are we going to let Twilight lure our children to sin cults and death? Satan is the pied piper of souls, and his favorite instrument is your local movie theater. There he will play Twilight New Moon to all comers, and anyone who hears what this film has to offer may be hypnotized to particpate with bizarre Wiccan rituals and then eventually burn with the Soviets and gays in the lowest pits of hell for all time.

Let’s keep our children safe and proud. You must fear how much evil Twilight will bring into the life of your kids. Imagine the guilt in your heart if you find your kid covered with vampire bite marks or blight, his or her poor body eternally damned to think it was a real life vampire. Only hell would await them and it would be all your fault.

Oh dear parents, hear my pleas. You must save our children and ban this filth from their lives. Their young teenage minds cannot comprehend the, cosmic forces at work behind this crazy, sinister film and book series.

Love your children by forbidding them from seeing Twilight and burn any books that they have bought! They will thank you for your actions, for an eternity. Do it now, and make your heart proud. Burn it. Burn Twilight!

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How’s THAT for whack-a-doodle article of the week?!  Personally, speaking as a Wiccan, I’m not sure I would really want to hang with Twilighters at my Sabbats but that’s just me.  I guess they could come as long as they didn’t talk about Edward or Jacob all the time or wear shirts with their faces on them.  I will say that while I certainly celebrate Obama and have been known to dance naked under the moon I have never had an abortion party.  Does a Tupperware party count because I’ve had one of those.

Now I am very interested in exactly what Satan wants these Twilight heathens to do in the farm yards because I have a feeling certain folk have been doing that in Kentucky or Scotland or in some bayou somewhere for a lot longer than Twilight has been out.

I would also like to point out to Abe, that JK Rowlings (Joanne) is a WOMAN and she wrote Harry Potter (which I’m sure you also hate) and not Twilight.  Harry Potter is also better written than Twilight since JK actually has a keen sense of plot and storytelling.

I’m so thrilled that as a Wiccan I will be cast into hell fire with the gays and the Soviets, especially since the USSR ceased to exist nearly 20 years ago.  Fabulous gay men and ballet dancers?  I’ll take that afterlife, no problem!  Actually it amazes me that this mental midget attributes so much power to a 3rd rate writer and so easily falls back on the old standard of book burning to dispel Satan from your children’s lives.  I think it would be really funny if only these people weren’t actually serious and out there, walking amongst us like .. the undead, masquerading as human beings.

THAT’S IT!!!  THAT is Satan’s Plan!  He plants these undead, day walking vampires to go out and spout hatred against douchy vampire novels and earth religions and homosexuals and people who like to eat sushi and go to dance parties and have great sex.  They are the real aliens we should all be ever vigilant about.  I would never advocate burning their misspelled books or tying THEM to a stick and setting them on fire but I would be on the watch for them in your daily life.  Good people, smack down this kind of ignorance where ever you find it, especially if they are calling themselves Christians.  They aren’t Christians.  They espouse hatred and intolerance and that’s not what Jesus is about.  I know, I just asked him.  He told me to turn the other cheek and feel sorry for these lost souls.  I suppose I can pity them but no reason I can’t get a laugh out of their antics at the same time.

Who The Hell Is Justin Beaver & Is He Better Than Sparkly Edward?

I was sitting around the house the other day, because that’s what you do when you don’t have a job.  I was lamenting the dumbing down of America, the rise of Twilight mania and how a woman who can’t write has pussified vampires in modern culture.  Her hero Edward is white and sparkles and is perfect and he’s white and he sparkles and did I mention he’s PERFECT and WHITE?  *sigh*  Can someone PLEASE give this kid a comb as well?  It’s bad enough being a douchy vamp but a messy one?  tsk tsk…

As I was ruminating on the decline of the written word, I saw a blurb in a local on-line paper about some kid named Justin.  I could have sworn his name was Justin Beaver.  My housemate set me right.  His name is Justin Bieber and he is the newest heir to the Backstreet Boys, Hansens, Jonas Brothers teen scream crown.  I’m clueless.  I can’t even think of any young singers I would scream over.

Well it seems this newspaper had an article over who was dreamier or more screamtastic, Justin or Edward?  Really?  REALLY?!  This reporter was actually paid MONEY to write this while I am shopping around for government cheese?  Who is Justin Beaver?  I found a picture.  Check this out:

Yeah, I’m feeling the need to scream right now but not in the way you might think unless it’s to scream in horror at his most unfortunate hair cut.  I honestly could care less whether Mr. Beaver or Douchy Vampire Edward are the pinnacle of the Top 5 heart throbs of all time.  They’re a waste of newsprint.  Then it hit me, I know where I have seen this kid before!  It was so very long ago……

He HAS to be the love child of DONNY OSMOND!!!  Really!  Look at the pictures!  It’s so obvious!  Everything is clear now!  Teen Throbs of Times Past have unleashed their secret love spawn on the world.  Through them they will control the minds and bank accounts of millions of screaming teens and their emotionally stunted mothers.  It’s a second chance at a dead career.  It’s brilliant in a 70’s TV evil mastermind sort of way.  Still don’t believe me?  Take a look at this picture of the Jonas Brothers and tell me that Ricky Martin DNA isn’t in there some where?

Yes, weep America and despair!  Economic downturn is no longer the worst of our problems.  This is.  Really.  If you want me, I’ll be in the corner of my closet, hiding from the coming apocalypse of bad singing, worse writing and too much hair product.