Conversation Hearts: The First Sign Of The Apocalypse

Well, another stupid Valentine’s Day and I have run out of topics. I’ve covered horrible Valentine’s dates I have had, what not to do, and having to give cards to every kid in class. So today I’m going to talk about the iconic Valentine candy. It’s what bad fruitcake is to Christmas – the Conversation Heart. You know what I’m talking about. Those little candies shaped like hearts, with little sayings on them, that taste like chalk.

It appears that NECCO started this trend of conversation candies in 1866. They designed a machine that was able to press words into their wafer-shaped candy. This allowed for longer sayings. Some of the humdingers made for weddings were: “Married in pink, he will take a drink”, “Married in White, you have chosen right”, and “Married in Satin, Love will not be lasting”. Wow, how nice! You insult my color and fabric choices on my wedding day but hey, you have to remember, that was back in the 1800’s. It was funny to mock women! After all, you weren’t as smart as a man. It made sense to have a candy heart inform you that your pink wedding dress would turn your husband into an alcoholic.

These wafer candies morphed into shapes such as watches, baseballs and postcards for your standard Valentine sentiments. I have no idea what I would think if some guy who gave me a candy wafer, shaped like a baseball. How thoughtful? How odd? I suppose back then I wouldn’t be allowed to gift him in return with a candy-shaped broom or baby because God knows we ladies didn’t play sports. We just cleaned the house and repopulated the Earth.

In 1902 the little bits of chalky candy love started production. Yes boys and girls, those hearts have been around for nearly 110 years and they taste like it too. I don’t know anyone who actually sits down and polishes off a box of those things.

Many companies have now jumped on the conversation heart bandwagon. In recent times, they have tried to update them with messages such as “text me” or “email me”, giving them more dynamic colors and flavors. For some reason they have never caught on. The chalk eating lemmings have risen up to protest the modernization of their stale ass candy. Now I think that just about anything you do to these things is an improvement.

I give gold stars to these “naughty hearts” because the sentiments seem more genuine to me:

I also found these Twilight hearts in a candy store around Halloween:

I bought them as a joke gift for a friend. I had higher hopes in the taste department for these since they are made by Sweet Tarts and who doesn’t like Sweet Tarts? Then I realized I read the package wrong. It said “Sweethearts”, not “Sweet Tarts”. They are the same NECCO product. They have phrases like “Bite Me”, “Live 4 Ever” and “Soul Mate” on them. A few of the advertised flavors are “Orange Obsession” and “Tempting Apple”. Who doesn’t like apple or orange even with the obsessive, stalker overtones?

Yeah, these hearts suck. They are even worse than the original chalky hearts. Why? It’s the ground up vampires they add to the candy mix. It seems these candies “sparkle”. Yes, the douchy sparkle was one of the reasons I bought them but adding whatever semi-edible glitter substance you have to satisfy your sparkle claim, makes them taste horrid. These are worse than chalk. Though on the upside you can really taste the dead vampire. It tastes a lot like despair.

So today in San Francisco, a storm has rolled in. The heavens weep for chalky candy hearts everywhere. I think I’m going back to bed.

Posted on February 14, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. douchy candies! I remember those.. holding out the box to people going “douchy candy?” ‘douchy candy?”

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