Twilight: A Movie Observation

Due to popular demand and the fact that I am writing this week, I am posting some classic blogs. First up is my observation of the first Twilight movie and what I think of this piece of literary dreck.

Okay, let me just say that I’ve read three of the four angst filled vampire books that have been sweeping the nation. While I’ven’t read Breaking Dawn, of the first three books in the series, Twilight was the best. The others are even more confusing and angst filled if that is possible. Why am I going on about the book? Because I am going to compare the book and the movie. If you haven’t read the book – tough. Deal with it.

So the premise is that Bella Swan comes to a tiny Washington town called Forks. I pictured more tress but then I was also thinking that Forks was in Oregon for some reason so there ya go. Vampires should pick Oregon to hang out in because there are only 500 people living in the entire State. Anyway…

Her Dad is the head cop. I pictured their house a little more… rustic. Smaller, more cave like. I mean, we all know that men on their own, live like bears with furniture unless they are gay. Then they live like a spread from Architectural Digest.

So Bella goes to school and meets…. The Cullens. They are white. I don’t mean Caucasian, I mean WHITE like marble. They are beautiful, stuck up and odd in a … well, out of time way. You have Rosalie who is perfect. The blond ice bitch from hell that no one would ever have a chance with even if she wasn’t undead. There is her hulking jock boyfriend who has that striking jarhead look and has no neck. The best Cullen kid is Alice. Perky, quirky and totally cool. She’s dragging around a newly turned vampire who has this glazed look on his face. It’s the look most people get when they are in a room full of bloody steak and lamb chops and fois gras and have been forced to eat lettuce and tofu for the past year or 5. You think he’s going to take down the next student like a hunting lion. Oooooo, if you have ever seen Mike Judge’s new show The Goode Family about that whacky PC, vegan family – he looks like the perpetually starved “vegan dog”.

Now Bella and Edward, because let’s face it, these are the two everyone is gaga about. Ummmm, not pretty enough. I know, no one ever writes angsty books about romantic ugly people. It doesn’t happen. They are beautiful people that have a “fatal flaw”. Hers is that she’s clumsy (which I really didn’t see except her falling down once) and his is that he’s an undead bloodsucker. Not really anything to completely offset the fact that they are good looking. I just didn’t think the actors were as good looking as they are suppose to be.

I don’t know about you but Cedric Diggery just doesn’t get my heart going. He’s a good looking kid, don’t get me wrong. But he’sn’t heart stopping, head turning gorgeous. He doesn’t personify the kind of beauty that is only seen in the Angels and nasty dreams in your mind.

Bella, not so much. The dye job on her hair is a mess. My opinion is she needs a type of ethereal beauty to offset what a whiny, angsty, nutty, head case she’s. I would have just let the car hit her and be done with it. I would think a movie about Alice would be much more entertaining anyway.

I’ve heard that people think Edward is a stalker because he’s obsessed with Bellas scent and hangs outside her window for months watching her sleep. Let me explain something to you that only teen girls understand. This is romantic and cool and awesome. It’s warm and happy and safe until sex comes along and ruins everything. One of my friends once said the definition between a stalker and a romantic is whether you like him or not. If you dig him, it’s cool. If he’s a slimy troll, It’s creepy and gross. The problem is most guys don’t understand they are the slimy trolls. No really, you are. Only otherworldly beautiful guys full of mystery and intensity get to watch you sleep from your roof for 3 months. You? Nope, you are a creepy, slimy troll.

Let me also state for the record – Vampires… Don’t… Sparkle!!!! They don’t have skin like diamonds that scintillates in the sun. They are fabulous and gay like Lestat or are brooding & scary like Dracula or are punk & hot & scary like Keifer Sutherland. They Do Not SPARKLE!!!

Here is the basic plot line in a nutshell: Girl moves to small town, vampire likes girl, girl hates boy, girl is intrigued with boy and his mysterious eyes, boy saves girls life, girl obsesses about boy, girls father doesn’t approve of boy (but would rather she bone werewolf boy from the other side of the tracks), girl is happy, boy is happy, girl is in mortal peril as bad guys want to kill/eat her, chase ensues, much self blame is cast, much angst occurs, boy & girl end up together, bad guy plots revenge.

Not very original. It makes me want to hurl when some people who are either idiots or paid off say that the author is the most brilliant storyteller of our time! WTF??! No, not even close. I’ve hundreds of authors I can name that are better than her. She’sn’t fit to wipe the dirt from their shoes. Her writing it pedantic, the plotting is plodding and the angst of the characters only increases as the books continue.

The one good thing about the movie. It’s better than the book and as I said, Twilight has been the best book of the first three that I read. The movie is only a bit shy of 2 hours so you miss out on 6 additional hours of angst and plodding plot line. The movie does speed elements up though the alone time between Edward and Bella is boring as all hell unless you are 14 years old and a girl. If you are a boy and don’t think this is boring, I fear for you because no self respecting gay boy would find this interesting either.

Is this a great movie? No.. Is it a good movie? I’ll give it that on the condition you don’t pay more than $3 which leaves Netflix or a similar rental because movie prices will never be $3 again. If you have a spare hour and 53 minutes that you don’t mind tossing, go for it. I personally think It’s fine to watch while you are doing something else like beading or sewing or double clicking your mouse. Personally I think the best ending for this series would be “And then Buffy staked the whole Cullen family and we all lived happily ever after.”

Posted on January 10, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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