2016 Princess Half Marathon (as told by the emotions in my head)

3am (Hotel Room) – It’s early. We’re tired. Why are we doing this again?

4am – 5am (Runners Village) We’re pumped, We’re ready to do this! We’ve gone to the bathroom FOUR TIMES! Trust me, this is a big deal for runners. Runners will talk to each other about if their pee is clear enough or how often they poop. It’s weird.

5:05 am (Runners Village) What do you mean we have to walk over a mile to get to the Starting line? What do you mean there are carpenter ants in the grass that will bite you? The privies are IN THE GRASS and I have to go one more time. It’s too far! We’ve already walked a mile. Can we go back to the hotel room now?

5:25am (Corral K) Oh My God! Did you see that girl? Didn’t she look in a mirror? She has the biggest camel toe! I can’t stop staring… stop looking, stop looking.

5:30am (Start of the Race) Ooooo look, it’s fireworks! It’s so pretty! There go the elites. I mean, sure we aren’t going to start for at least 30 minutes but this is so exciting. There are so many people! Cindy and Laura up in Corral D will be starting soon.

5:45am (Corral H starting) Oh My God – can we move already?! Someone who smells like cheese is trying to squeeze in front of me.

6:07am (Corral K starting) Here we go!!!!

6:09am Alright, we need to take it easy. There are 13 miles to go and we don’t want to start too fast. Let’s slow down and not run like a coked up orangutan. Let’s just pay attention to our intervals and take it easy.

Mile 1 This is nice.. We’ve got this! We did this yesterday only yesterday we had to go to the bathroom and now we don’t! I know it’s just a road but it’s dark so it doesn’t matter that there isn’t anything to see.
Mile 2 Sure it’s just open road but yesterday we were in such pain and today we are feeling fine thanks to porta potties and fiber! Go us!

Mile 2.8 Look! There’s a Med tent! Let’s just get some Bio-freeze for my knee just in case? Can I rub this all over my body? How much is too much? Will I get a rash?

Mile 3 (Outside the car entrance to Magic Kingdom) – There are a lot of people. I’m not so sure about this. *** Look, yesterday at this point we were waiting in a 20 min line to use the priv! This is GREAT! *** But, there are sooo many people that I can’t get into a rhythm. It’s messing with my intervals. *** Look! We’re getting closer! Aren’t those the toll booths for the Magic Kingdom?! Let’s take a picture with the sign! *** But what if someone runs into us? Let’s just keep going, OK?

Mile 4 – hmmmm, aren’t we there yet? I mean, where is this place? We passed the big sign! There aren’t even any good characters out on the street at all! This is lame.

Mile 5 OK, here we go! We went under the water bridge, we’re feeling great! We’re passing the Contemporary and we are heading back stage to the Magic Kingdom! This is going to be EPIC!

Mile 5.2 (Main Street USA) OMG! Look at all the people!!! They are everywhere and they are cheering! We’re going to cry! It’s so inspiring! We’re not worthy! Does anyone notice? Totally going to film them so everyone can feel this. This just makes everything worth it!

Mile 5.5 (New Fantasyland) This is so cool! The Stepmother and stepsisters from Cinderella are right there! I wish I could stop for a picture but the line is about 20 people long and we don’t want a repeat of the 10k Balloon Ladies incident. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. We are running through the castle and it isn’t even that crowded! Anna, Kristoph and Elsa are on the castle balcony facing towards Fantasyland. Trying to take a selfie because you can’t count on marathon photo to snap one. We are even passing the last flushies in Frontierland. We don’t need a bathroom stop. We’re feeling great and eating a Cliff Blok every other mile!
Mile 6 (backstage – outside Magic Kingdom) Oh THIS is the clickity clack bridge Cindy was talking about! Alright we are near half way done. We’ve got this! I know my time is better now than yesterday.

Mile 6.3 – 7.3 (leaving Magic Kingdom past the Grand Floridian/golf courses) It’s so crowded. What are these people doing? Couples are annoying. Yes, you’re in love. We get it. Stop holding hands! You’re impossible to get around. I give up, I’m just going to walk quickly. Running in this is pointless. Great! There are the guys in tuxedo’s with the glass slipper. Cindy told me to get this picture but there is a huge line. The lines are so long for all these spots. Lame.
Mile 8 (approaching the Disney auto center) It’s hot. It’s humid. We’re all fat and bloated. There is sweat under my eyes. So gross. Our fingers are swelling like sausages. The steam from our eyeballs is fogging up our glasses. I’m so outta here!

Mile 9 (On the road to despair) I’ve been trying but I just can’t run anymore. It’s hot. Perhaps the Bus of Shame has air conditioning. Sewing these sequins on this top was a bad idea. It’s rubbing on my arms. Stopping at the med tent for drugs and lube. Did you know some dummy’s ate the lube thinking it was Gu? Slathering on more BioFreeze just because.

Alright! We’re good! We’re strong! We can do this! We’ve already done this distance three times before! Hell, we’ve done this challenge once before! We are soooo finishing!

But that was in California where it’s cooler and we didn’t have to walk two miles before we started the race and there weren’t so many people clogging everything up and we could get up later and it wasn’t sticky…….. Umm, Sadness can you please stop touching that? ….. But Joy, isn’t that the cloverleaf up ahead? Laura and Cindy say it’s hard. Does the Bus of Shame have beds?

Look, we haven’t been fueling properly for the past few miles so why don’t we have a Clif shot and we’ll feel better?

Are you KIDDING ME? We’ve already had 4 Clif Bloks and some gummy bears already? You know we have to take those gels with water? Where’s the next aid station? Do you see one cause I DON’T!!! What if it gives us diarrhea? I don’t see any privies around here? I don’t want to ride the Bus of Shame! I’m afraid to fuel more because I have no idea what it will do to my digestive system!

Mile 10 (the offramp clover leaf/overpass) ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT!! We are going to finish! We are going to hear the gospel choir! We are NOT going on the Bus of Shame! The voice that says we can’t do this is a liar!! SCREW YOU CLOVERLEAF!!!!

OK, OK, settle down. We’re just going to go all the way to the bottom of the offramp so we aren’t running on a slant. We’re going to walk here on the dirt next to the asphalt so we don’t get another thigh cramp.

But this overpass is hard. It’s a hill and I’m tired. The Green Army Men are yelling at me.

As they should be!!! Now pick your candy ass up and MOVE!!!!

Look!! From this overpass you can see everyone behind us! It’s a sea of people! There must be at least 7,000 people still down there! We are sooooo not riding the Bus of Shame!

But maybe there is another sweep place up ahead that you don’t know about Joy. We haven’t run this course. We aren’t even to Epcot yet. Oh no, it’s the Children’s Hospital DJ and all the “inspirational signs”. Oh, there are little kids with cancer and they can’t run and their life sucks but they still have hope and…. Whaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Sadness, you need to get back in your Circle OK? You just need to keep all the sadness in there and just make sure none gets out for the next 40 minutes or so. Does that work for you?

Mile 11 (movie clips/final overpass) Awwww look! There are shorts of Mickey Mouse playing and here is a switch back. Oh look! That Cindy & Fairy Godmother from the live action movie are high fiving gals as they pass! High Five! Right back attcha! This is so neat! I’m going to do it to! “You can do it”, “No sweeps today!”

ANOTHER GODDAMN OVERPASS!!!! SCREW YOU MOUSE!!!! I REALLY HATE YOU RIGHT NOW! I’m tired, my time sucks, this course is soooooo crowded and you have TWO overpasses within a mile? SCREW YOU!!!!

Mile 12 (Grounds of Epcot) Oh look, the mile marker is Merida! We’re going to make it!

But we’re really tired and we screwed up the fueling strategy the last half and how are we supposed to do this for a Marathon when we can’t even get from the Epcot buses to the gospel choir?

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! GET BACK IN YOUR CIRCLE! YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR! We are going to finish this on pure rage!!! Screw you Epcot tourist! Screw you racing couples holding hands! Screw you inspirational sign! Screw you Weird Ass Character that isn’t a Princess but is dressed like a Princess and is some weird Princess Race Character! Yeah, especially screw you! We’re going to do this!!!! All we have to do is go to the end of the Future World walkway towards World Showcase, turn around and run backstage by Spaceship Earth.

Mile 13 (Backstage of Epcot) OK, we’re turning off our timer and our music. The gospel choir is so amazing. We are going to do this! We are going to get the Challenge Medal! There’s the finish line! There are so many people! We did it! What a relief! There is my half marathon medal, now to get my challenge medal… wait.. there are fans flowing icy air!!! This is almost better than sex! Fine, let’s be honest, it’s BETTER than 40% of sex! This is soooooo good! Now to get my mylar Mickey sheet, my banana, my water, my food box and my Challenge medal! Cindy and Laura are waiting outside. Whew, that was a challenge but we did it!

They don’t have a mylar Mickey sheet for me and the nurse Is yelling at us to drink water but she took the cap so we can’t close the bottle!

NaNoWriMo Winner – Extreme Mickey!

So after thirty days of writing, I have assembled over my required 50,000 words to win NaNoWriMo for the second year. This time, I have a first draft in excess of 60,000 words titled “Deirdre Does Disney – An Irreverent Look At The House Of Mouse”. It’s a working title just like this book is a work in progress.

This has now become my November addiction. For me it’s not just “writing the same word 50,000 times or the art of writing total dreck. True, there are some people who can’t write just like there are some people who can’t sing or play a piano or train badgers to do the hula. However the lessons you learn in perseverance, discipline, and the accomplishment you get from reaching your goal or just trying is heads and shoulders over those who just make excuses and give up with no effort.

Will the Mickey book be as interesting as the Squirrel book? Only time will tell. Right now it is pretty rough. There was a time five days into NaNo when I hated everything about it and threw my baby right off a bridge. I just discarded what I wrote and started over from another direction and guess what? I was able to come back to that first section with a new perspective. Do certain things not work? Yup. Are there boring bits or bits that don’t make sense? Sure. Will some of the things I tossed get tossed again? Possibly or they will be re-written. That is the beauty of writing, you have the opportunity to redeem something that was hopeless.

Now what do I do? I finish the last few pages of my draft and put it away. I pick up the Squirrel book and finish the final draft on it. I also start sending out query letters (the bane of my existence because I suck at it) and see if I can get anyone interested in it.

The work never ends but hopefully the reward will be worth it.

Next up – the new look for Mickey in the gaming industry and why I’m excited!

Vinylmation – The New Way Disney Is Sucking Our Brains

What is Vinylmation?  I was thinking the same thing when I first saw these little critters.  This past March, I was spending a lovely sunny day browsing through a shop on Disney’s Boardwalk, a deluxe resort next to EPCOT.  I was actually looking for a swim suit, which they don’t seem to sell anymore for women.  Same with underwear.  No swim suits or underwear for us!  I guess Disney doesn’t want to think about “lady parts” and wants to completely ignore the fact that when Disneyland first opened the “Wizard of Bras” lingerie shop was operating on Main Street.

Anyway, these … things caught my eye.  I had no idea what they were.  Was it a doll, an action figure, a paperweight?  The Cast Member I asked had no idea.  I figured they were just the “new thing”.  A clever marketing gimic designed to separate us from more of our cash.  Little did I know how insidious and genius this marketing gimic was!

There was one figure that caught my eye:

I admit, it was the pseudo writing theme.  I know it’s suppose to depict sketch animation but it was close enough and I thought it would look good on my desk.  I went to find it and…..I was perplexed.  You see, each series has its own tray that holds about twelve or twenty four smaller boxes.  Each box is marked with the series it comes from and nothing else.  That’s right, you have no way of knowing which figure is inside the box.

Well, that’s easy, I’ll just open the box and see!  Nope, now the evil becomes clear.  The boxes are all glued shut.  There is no way at all to determine which figure is inside which box.  Basically, it’s a grab bag.  They guarantee that each figure is in the tray, somewhere, along with a “mystery figure” but you have no idea of knowing where it is.

Each figure is $10 retail.  NOW the plan of Marketing genius raises its head.  I must say that even though I hate this with a passion, Disney really needs to give a raise to the person who thought of this idea because from a business stand point, it’s a money spinner.  Picture this:  Kid walks in to store with parents, sees cool figure and wants it.  Wants it bad.  Wants it now.  Parents buy one but…. yup, it’s the wrong one!  Now the melt-down ensures.  So they go back to buy another one and another one.  Those $10 boxes can sure add up!  If you want, they will sell you the whole damn tray so you can have a complete set but that is $120!

Don’t think you can deftly pry the lid off, take a quick peek and then move on to the other one.  Why?  Because the figures are sealed inside mylar packets!  Foiled again!  You just need to buy the box and hope for the best.  Did I try it?  Hell no!  My momma didn’t raise no fool!  Besides with my luck, I would get the lamest figure in the whole set.  In my case, I would get the “stoned bear” from Park #3

I know, I know, it’s the bear from the now defunct Country Bear Jamboree and before you start writing me e-mails, I realize that tired show is still going at other parks but it’s dead at Disneyland and that’s what counts.  They replaced it with Pooh.  Not so sure it was a good trade but at least the tubby little cubby of a bear didn’t sit on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, smooshing it into extinction like at Walt Disney World and for that I’m thankful.

Update: I just returned from Disneyland a few weeks ago.  I went with my sister and her family and guess what they kids wanted?  Yup, Vinylmation figures!  Did they get the ones they initially wanted?  No.  Did my sister buy them more?  No.  The ones they did get they were happy with BUT it seems Disney has instituted a new system.  I am assuming it grew out of many a “I got the stoned bear!” tantrum.  It is a limited trade rule.  Basically there are three figures in a clear case.  If you don’t like the figure you picked you can either (a) trade for another grab bag pick but if you don’t like this one you are SOL and no you don’t get to keep both unless you pay for both or (b) you can trade for one of the three figures on display.  These figures change each day but if the one you like is in the case, you are sure of getting it.  It’s kind of like the lottery that way.  Also like the lottery, life rarely works that well.  Honestly, it seemed to me the Vinylmations chosen were rarely the “popular” figures.  Nine times out of ten, stoned bear is going to be one of the three choices.  The moral of this story?  Choose at your own risk.

To me, Vinylmation figures are the perfect example of shallow American consumerism.  Honestly, look at them.  Do they do anything?  Do they serve any purpose other than instilling in you a need to buy more so you can “collect them all”!  People, there are times when collecting something just because the masses are collecting it, doesn’t translate into “collector dollars” down the road unless you operate on a fast turn around schedule.  Don’t believe me?  Hey, I have a box full of Beanie Babies I can sell you!

My advice?  Say no to pointless marketing ploys designed to keep you coming back like a crack addict to buy more and more and more.  If you want a souvenir go by a plush Mickey or better yet, a shot glass!  That has many uses and I highly recommend it.  It’s a brilliant idea Disney but I’m not falling for it.  I’m going to stuff wax in my ears so I can’t hear your siren’s song as I go about my day.  You can keep your tons of pins and trading cards and Vinylmation figures.  I’ll just spend my money on something else unless of course you know for SURE which box has the sketch animation figure in it.