3am (Hotel Room) – It’s early. We’re tired. Why are we doing this again?
4am – 5am (Runners Village) We’re pumped, We’re ready to do this! We’ve gone to the bathroom FOUR TIMES! Trust me, this is a big deal for runners. Runners will talk to each other about if their pee is clear enough or how often they poop. It’s weird.
5:05 am (Runners Village) What do you mean we have to walk over a mile to get to the Starting line? What do you mean there are carpenter ants in the grass that will bite you? The privies are IN THE GRASS and I have to go one more time. It’s too far! We’ve already walked a mile. Can we go back to the hotel room now?
5:25am (Corral K) Oh My God! Did you see that girl? Didn’t she look in a mirror? She has the biggest camel toe! I can’t stop staring… stop looking, stop looking.
5:30am (Start of the Race) Ooooo look, it’s fireworks! It’s so pretty! There go the elites. I mean, sure we aren’t going to start for at least 30 minutes but this is so exciting. There are so many people! Cindy and Laura up in Corral D will be starting soon.
5:45am (Corral H starting) Oh My God – can we move already?! Someone who smells like cheese is trying to squeeze in front of me.
6:07am (Corral K starting) Here we go!!!!
6:09am Alright, we need to take it easy. There are 13 miles to go and we don’t want to start too fast. Let’s slow down and not run like a coked up orangutan. Let’s just pay attention to our intervals and take it easy.
Mile 1 This is nice.. We’ve got this! We did this yesterday only yesterday we had to go to the bathroom and now we don’t! I know it’s just a road but it’s dark so it doesn’t matter that there isn’t anything to see.
Mile 2 Sure it’s just open road but yesterday we were in such pain and today we are feeling fine thanks to porta potties and fiber! Go us!
Mile 2.8 Look! There’s a Med tent! Let’s just get some Bio-freeze for my knee just in case? Can I rub this all over my body? How much is too much? Will I get a rash?
Mile 3 (Outside the car entrance to Magic Kingdom) – There are a lot of people. I’m not so sure about this. *** Look, yesterday at this point we were waiting in a 20 min line to use the priv! This is GREAT! *** But, there are sooo many people that I can’t get into a rhythm. It’s messing with my intervals. *** Look! We’re getting closer! Aren’t those the toll booths for the Magic Kingdom?! Let’s take a picture with the sign! *** But what if someone runs into us? Let’s just keep going, OK?
Mile 4 – hmmmm, aren’t we there yet? I mean, where is this place? We passed the big sign! There aren’t even any good characters out on the street at all! This is lame.
Mile 5 OK, here we go! We went under the water bridge, we’re feeling great! We’re passing the Contemporary and we are heading back stage to the Magic Kingdom! This is going to be EPIC!
Mile 5.2 (Main Street USA) OMG! Look at all the people!!! They are everywhere and they are cheering! We’re going to cry! It’s so inspiring! We’re not worthy! Does anyone notice? Totally going to film them so everyone can feel this. This just makes everything worth it!
Mile 5.5 (New Fantasyland) This is so cool! The Stepmother and stepsisters from Cinderella are right there! I wish I could stop for a picture but the line is about 20 people long and we don’t want a repeat of the 10k Balloon Ladies incident. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. We are running through the castle and it isn’t even that crowded! Anna, Kristoph and Elsa are on the castle balcony facing towards Fantasyland. Trying to take a selfie because you can’t count on marathon photo to snap one. We are even passing the last flushies in Frontierland. We don’t need a bathroom stop. We’re feeling great and eating a Cliff Blok every other mile!
Mile 6 (backstage – outside Magic Kingdom) Oh THIS is the clickity clack bridge Cindy was talking about! Alright we are near half way done. We’ve got this! I know my time is better now than yesterday.
Mile 6.3 – 7.3 (leaving Magic Kingdom past the Grand Floridian/golf courses) It’s so crowded. What are these people doing? Couples are annoying. Yes, you’re in love. We get it. Stop holding hands! You’re impossible to get around. I give up, I’m just going to walk quickly. Running in this is pointless. Great! There are the guys in tuxedo’s with the glass slipper. Cindy told me to get this picture but there is a huge line. The lines are so long for all these spots. Lame.
Mile 8 (approaching the Disney auto center) It’s hot. It’s humid. We’re all fat and bloated. There is sweat under my eyes. So gross. Our fingers are swelling like sausages. The steam from our eyeballs is fogging up our glasses. I’m so outta here!
Mile 9 (On the road to despair) I’ve been trying but I just can’t run anymore. It’s hot. Perhaps the Bus of Shame has air conditioning. Sewing these sequins on this top was a bad idea. It’s rubbing on my arms. Stopping at the med tent for drugs and lube. Did you know some dummy’s ate the lube thinking it was Gu? Slathering on more BioFreeze just because.
Alright! We’re good! We’re strong! We can do this! We’ve already done this distance three times before! Hell, we’ve done this challenge once before! We are soooo finishing!
But that was in California where it’s cooler and we didn’t have to walk two miles before we started the race and there weren’t so many people clogging everything up and we could get up later and it wasn’t sticky…….. Umm, Sadness can you please stop touching that? ….. But Joy, isn’t that the cloverleaf up ahead? Laura and Cindy say it’s hard. Does the Bus of Shame have beds?
Look, we haven’t been fueling properly for the past few miles so why don’t we have a Clif shot and we’ll feel better?
Are you KIDDING ME? We’ve already had 4 Clif Bloks and some gummy bears already? You know we have to take those gels with water? Where’s the next aid station? Do you see one cause I DON’T!!! What if it gives us diarrhea? I don’t see any privies around here? I don’t want to ride the Bus of Shame! I’m afraid to fuel more because I have no idea what it will do to my digestive system!
Mile 10 (the offramp clover leaf/overpass) ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT!! We are going to finish! We are going to hear the gospel choir! We are NOT going on the Bus of Shame! The voice that says we can’t do this is a liar!! SCREW YOU CLOVERLEAF!!!!
OK, OK, settle down. We’re just going to go all the way to the bottom of the offramp so we aren’t running on a slant. We’re going to walk here on the dirt next to the asphalt so we don’t get another thigh cramp.
But this overpass is hard. It’s a hill and I’m tired. The Green Army Men are yelling at me.
As they should be!!! Now pick your candy ass up and MOVE!!!!
Look!! From this overpass you can see everyone behind us! It’s a sea of people! There must be at least 7,000 people still down there! We are sooooo not riding the Bus of Shame!
But maybe there is another sweep place up ahead that you don’t know about Joy. We haven’t run this course. We aren’t even to Epcot yet. Oh no, it’s the Children’s Hospital DJ and all the “inspirational signs”. Oh, there are little kids with cancer and they can’t run and their life sucks but they still have hope and…. Whaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
Sadness, you need to get back in your Circle OK? You just need to keep all the sadness in there and just make sure none gets out for the next 40 minutes or so. Does that work for you?
Mile 11 (movie clips/final overpass) Awwww look! There are shorts of Mickey Mouse playing and here is a switch back. Oh look! That Cindy & Fairy Godmother from the live action movie are high fiving gals as they pass! High Five! Right back attcha! This is so neat! I’m going to do it to! “You can do it”, “No sweeps today!”
ANOTHER GODDAMN OVERPASS!!!! SCREW YOU MOUSE!!!! I REALLY HATE YOU RIGHT NOW! I’m tired, my time sucks, this course is soooooo crowded and you have TWO overpasses within a mile? SCREW YOU!!!!
Mile 12 (Grounds of Epcot) Oh look, the mile marker is Merida! We’re going to make it!
But we’re really tired and we screwed up the fueling strategy the last half and how are we supposed to do this for a Marathon when we can’t even get from the Epcot buses to the gospel choir?
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! GET BACK IN YOUR CIRCLE! YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR! We are going to finish this on pure rage!!! Screw you Epcot tourist! Screw you racing couples holding hands! Screw you inspirational sign! Screw you Weird Ass Character that isn’t a Princess but is dressed like a Princess and is some weird Princess Race Character! Yeah, especially screw you! We’re going to do this!!!! All we have to do is go to the end of the Future World walkway towards World Showcase, turn around and run backstage by Spaceship Earth.
Mile 13 (Backstage of Epcot) OK, we’re turning off our timer and our music. The gospel choir is so amazing. We are going to do this! We are going to get the Challenge Medal! There’s the finish line! There are so many people! We did it! What a relief! There is my half marathon medal, now to get my challenge medal… wait.. there are fans flowing icy air!!! This is almost better than sex! Fine, let’s be honest, it’s BETTER than 40% of sex! This is soooooo good! Now to get my mylar Mickey sheet, my banana, my water, my food box and my Challenge medal! Cindy and Laura are waiting outside. Whew, that was a challenge but we did it!
They don’t have a mylar Mickey sheet for me and the nurse Is yelling at us to drink water but she took the cap so we can’t close the bottle!
Well I have written many blogs on this soul sucking holiday and could think of no reason to write another one except for therapy. Today I am as bitter as day old coffee with a teaspoon of valerian added. Yea, all you hearts and flowers people can bite me. What would make my day bright and happy? A Welch Corgi puppy! Since I can’t have one, I am back to bitter being the new black.
Let’s see, I have already covered:
Valentines Day is a racket instituted by the greeting card companies, florists, naughty underwear purveyors and candy makers to drain your pocket book and saddle you with guilt.
Valentine’s Day breeds desperation. I see too many women more than willing to cut down fellow women’s fragile self-esteem by rubbing their rich husband, lobster dinners and La Perla panties in their faces. OK, that sounds kinda kinky and messy but you know what I mean.
Valentine’s Day guarantees you will be unable to eat out unless (a) you have a reservation and (b) you have arm candy. In fact Pasta Pomodoro has instituted a special couples menu with items that are not available on the menu for single diners. Of course, these offerings look uber good just taunt you. I mean who doesn’t want crab spaghetti?
Valentine’s Day teaches little girls to be mean. Fine, meaner than we already are. I know when I went to school, it was a rule that you HAD to give each and every kid in class a Valentine. I know this was to keep the unpopular kids from feeling the trauma of having no Valentines at all. However this just made us line up all the Valentines from the box and play the popularity game all over again. You decide which cute Valentine to give the cute boys, your best friends, girls you liked and which dorky Valentines to give “those kids”. This meant the lamest Valentines went to the dorky, unpopular kids. Thus teaching kids, especially girls, that this behavior is not only OK but encouraged by the school. What about the boys you ask? Let’s face it, little boys – just like Honey Badger – don’t give a shit. I would be willing to bet they would skip the whole thing if they weren’t forced to do it, usually by a female teacher.
I say we eliminate the whole damn thing along with Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and Grandparent’s Day and Secretary’s Day and Bosses Day and any other day that is a racket designed to get you to buy cards, candy, flowers and naughty panties. OK, maybe not so much for the Grandparents/Boss/Secretary’s day and the panty gifts, at least not after the new laws but you get my meaning. I don’t need a special day to tell my parents that I love them and to do something nice for them. If I had a husband, I wouldn’t need a day to wring guilt and lobster dinners out of him so I could feel superior and special. Personally I think that is mean, manipulative bullshit. If you are lucky enough to have someone special in your life, you should be doing little things all the time and not just on one day.
Personally if you have to have a day for appreciation, may I suggest Steak and a BJ Day on March 14th. It’s the gift that keeps on giving!