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Anatomy of a Rich Person

Do you know people who can’t manage their money? Rich people or I should say, people who use to be rich? Allow me to explain. I have found in my experience there are three kinds of rich people.
– The Responsible Rich
– The Irresponsible, Thieving Rich
– The Newly Poor Rich

The Responsible Rich are either people who grew up with money but had parents that didn’t hand them everything or they earned their money through hard work. If their family had money, they had to work on the family business and didn’t get a trust fund dumped on them when they were eighteen. They know the value of a dollar, work hard for their money and treat people as they wish to be treated. The other version of the Responsible Rich are rich people who use to be poor. They know what it’s like to live on pasta and potatoes. They save for a rainy day, don’t blow all their money on cocaine, hookers and giant initial pendants covered in diamonds. They are generous but mindful of fiscal responsibility. This is how I wish all people would be regardless of their financial circumstances. They live within their means, save for a rainy day and don’t look down on people because they provide you a service (like cutting your grass or cleaning your house).

Then there are the Irresponsible Thieving Rich. These are the ones who make the tabloids. They usually run large corporations, screw people out of their life savings so they can get a seven figure year-end bonus and have no souls. We hear about them in the news and I wonder why more of them aren’t in jail instead of some idiot who was busted for growing pot in his basement. Then I realize – “Oh yeah, they’re rich!” The worst offenders in this category are the Irresponsible Hollywood Rich. When they aren’t flashing their mini-skirted “cash and prizes” in public, running people down with their SUVs or crying crocodile tears for breaking parole and not wanting to go to jail, they are stealing. It’s how the rich stay rich. How do I know? I’ve seen it.

Years ago when I was working for AIDS Project Los Angeles, we had a fashion show fundraiser with Gianni Versace. There were many “names” at that event. Not one, not two but at least two dozen of them that I saw were stealing anything that wasn’t nailed down. Ladies would walk in with tiny, thin handbags and would walk out with those same purses looking like chipmunk cheeks stuffed full of nuts. They had expensive gift bags for crying out loud but nooooo, they needed to take the hotels silverware, the Versace patterned napkins, mini-lamp shades and even a TABLE CLOTH! Yes, these are people you know and they are scum. Stealing from people with AIDS and to what end? Since Gianni needed these for his next show in Milan, our company would have to pay to replace them. Good going glitterati!

Who came to my rescue? Steven Seagal! I love that man more than words can say. I knew he was a friend of Gianni’s so I went up to him, told him what was happening and pointed out the worst offender as he was making his get away. I took great pleasure in seeing that very tall Mr. Seagal putting him up against a wall and literally shaking the stolen merchandise out from under his suit. He is exactly like he is in his movies. It was like watching “Under Siege” for real only without all the guns.

The last type of rich person to look at is the Newly Poor Rich. These are people who were raised rich or became rich and then lost their money. It can be through the crash or bad investments but usually through no direct fault of their own. Their problem is they have no idea how to be poor. I don’t mean how to beg for money with a cardboard sign. I mean, economize, budget, live within their means. They’ve never had an issue with spending money and don’t understand why you shouldn’t be buying lattes every day, why you should eat at home instead of eating out, why you should bring a sandwich to work, etc. They just don’t get it and are driving themselves more and more into debt in a desperate attempt to maintain a lifestyle they can no longer afford. Sad really.

So what can we do, besides print money for ourselves and wait for the day our Skynet overlords decide to take over the planet? I say we live by example. Be frugal, live within your means. You want a treat, fine! You want five treats? Think about that. When at all possible buy locally. I know it’s hard to restart the economy by buying American-made goods since we make so little now but supporting your local Mom and Pop stores is the next best thing. Discover the joys and cost savings of cooking at home instead of eating out. And let’s not forget the most important thing of all, remember the people who behave badly and use their behaviour as object lessons. There is nothing wrong with working hard, having nice things and spending that money. It’s all on the choices you make, either rich or poor. In the words of the immortal Stan Lee, “With great power comes great responsibility.”

The Mysterious Case of King Tut’s Missing Penis

You heard me right, King Tut’s pyramid is missing.  Yuppers, this is a HUGE deal in Egypt currently.  Don’t believe me?  Think I’m making this up?

So it appears that someone took Tut’s tally whacker in order to (a) shield him from tiny pee pee teasing in the afterlife, (b) because living people with small penises didn’t want people to mock Tut for his small penis and took it, (c) some freak on Hawas’ staff took the penis, thinking no one would notice as some freaky keepsake or (d) it’s still there but so small they aren’t seeing it.

I find this story fascinating on so many levels.  Let’s look at this logically.  During mummification, the process removes excess moisture from the corpse so the flesh becomes desiccated.  As the penis has no bone, I would think a penis after mummification would significantly shrink in size.  Also since Tut was 15 when he died, perhaps he wasn’t through growing yet and if he had lived would have gotten a bigger penis.  I have not seen any valid studies in Egyptology that indicated penis size was something to be concerned about in the after life.  If penis size was important, especially for pharaohs, you would think some writings would be found or some spells in the Book of the Dead but nothing.

I do know that when the God Set ripped his brother Osiris into many pieces, the only piece not found by Isis was his penis as it was eaten by a croc so she made him a new one.  Since she is a Goddess and could just create a new penis from scratch I’m sure it was a great penis, a perfect, spectacular penis but no other penis references were made regarding pharaohs and the afterlife to my knowledge.

It does seem likely it was taken in modern times, as we know Tut’s body was not disturbed by grave robbers until modern day grave robber Howard Carter found him.  It seems unlikely he would have broken off Tuts dingle dangle and made an earring or a paper weight out of it.  We know he unwrapped the body (Hey, it was a Victorian parlor game back them) but no account exists that says he played “hide the salami” – literally – with Tut’s weiner.

This leads me to believe someone in the past 40 years or so, took it either as a souvenir or because they felt bad for Tut and his Little Willy.  They felt they were protecting him from ridicule.  But ridicule from whom?  If it was people in the afterlife, wouldn’t they mock him more for having no penis rather than a small penis?  If it was now, would people really care that a dead corpse thousands of years old and dried up like beef jerky has a vienna sausage dick?  You know, I’ve seen the Tut exhibit twice (including the original one with the death mask), have studied the myths of Egypt, read numerous books, viewed numerous documentaries and never once did I think about Tut’s junk.  Hard to believe , I know but not once did it come up in my mind to even contemplate the existence of his mummified bits let alone how big they may or may not have been.

Is this just another example of some men overlaying their own sense of insecurity on others?  Perhaps it is just women having a laugh since the NY and the Times article were both written by women?  Maybe this is a government conspiracy to distract you from alien mind control using robot goats!

No matter which way you look at it, this is a strange time we live in.  To quote Kaiser from one of the comment sections on the articles website, “I took it OK. I use it to stir my martinis.”