Lindsay Lohan Is A Lesbian Twilight Vampire

This is my third entry in what I have titled “Whack-a-doodle Wednesday”. I’m doing this for the month of July but might bring it back at a later date since there are soooo many car wrecks out there, most with the word Twilight on them.  So today,according to our favorite Wednesday Whack-a-doodle – Abe, Lindsay Lohan is a lipstick lesbian vampire.  Face it, she’s not butch – look at the shoes.  Let’s hear what he (and the voices in his head) have to say.  As always, his poor spelling and idiot theories are copied exactly as he wrote them:

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“I knewed it. Take a good look at the picture. Look at it! The movie Twilight is corrupting our youth to do blood rituals and abortion orgies. The latest person to try to help spread this demonic following to our youth is a Hollywood flussy named Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan is famous for being a flickering licksinned lesbian and teasing men’s satan scepters by doing sick nude photos where she showed her bared milks for all to see. If that was not vile enough, she is now helping to spread a gay vampire agenda as you see in my evidence.

Friends, there is nothing holy or good about vampires. Ever since Twilight came out, teen death and drug use has increased ten fold in our schools. Swine flu is spreading through university campuses and killing students by the 100s and soon 1000s! It’s just like the plague all over again, I wonder why?

You want the answer? Lesbian vampires and Twilight!

Here you me. If I had it my way, I would organize everyone in town and make Mr. J.K. Rowling of Twilight fame come to our court! We would vote him guilty for tempting children to bite each other in the neck and then tempting more boys and girls to come with their “friendly lesbian” vampire agents on twitters.

Friends, celebrity girls now think it’s okay to participate in the Twilight death culture. Your daughters look up to girls like Lidnsay Lohan and media is just letting her courrpt their innocent minds. It is time for parents to take charge and FORBID TWILIGHT!

There is a sick new Twilight movie coming out where the vampires and wolves have bestials gay agenda sex! They want to show this filth to your children and then teach them that drinking a little bit of each other’s blood is all happy and fun games!

I do not know about you, but as a loving parent my heart would be sad to find my kin done gone and died of chlamydial AIDS because they were playing vampires with their little Hollywood emulating friends. Ban Twilight! Ban it!”

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Wow, there is so much wrong in that I don’t even know where to start.  You know, this almost makes me feel sorry for all the douchy Twilight vampires.  Almost.  To be honest, the more I looked at this website, the more I am convinced it is a total put on.  Hell, these articles get millions of hits.  Yeah.  This gives me an idea.  If I write whack-a-doodle insanity, tell everyone I’m living in a cave in Montana, maybe I can get this kind of traffic.  So, yeah, I do think it’s a put on but it’s still funny in a whack-a-doodle way!

I want to give a shout out to Anastasia Leigh for the awesome butterfly border I wontonly snagged from her Facebook page.  She is awesome.  Everybody wave!

Kittens: Natures Secret Weapon

I have decided that kittens are mother nature’s way of killing us with cute.  They are a manic weapon of mass destruction rolled into a wee fur suit.  Sure puppies are cute.  I love puppies.  I love the smell of puppies.  Baby smell has NOTHING on puppies however puppies do not have the plotting force of mayhem that kittens have.

Dogs are followers.  They hang with a pack and know their place in the world.  Cats are solitary preditors and plot to rule the world.  A world where the giant monkeys serve them and dogs are their playthings.  I have determined that kittens have this excess of energy that allows them to run up your walls, jump onto your door frames and plot the over throw of society at the same time.

Kittens seem to have 2 personalities.  The cute, sweet faced, mellow kitten and then the insane hyper bomb of destruction.  It is the cute persona that keeps us from killing them, thus ensuring their plan for World Domination. I know all about this.  My cat Alia, nick named The Abomination,  is a perfect example.  She was sweet and mild and good natured until a switch turned on and she started bouncing off the walls like Donald O’Connor in Singing in the Rain.

You may say that behaviour is learned and not all kittens are plotting your demise but you would be wrong.  Take Galahad.  I met him this weekend.  He is a sweet grey kitten with white paws and chest.  He is small and thin and lulls you into a false sense of security.  You think he is just so sweet & tiny there is no way he could be a threat until one night you wake up and find yourself staring into the eyes of “Gary”.  Gary is my name for his alter ego who wants to cook you and eat you for supper.  Gary is the one who bounces off the wall, attacks the other animals, manically pursues things that aren’t there and stares at you while you sleep, wondering what cuts would be tastiest.  Gary attacks your feet, chews on wires and carries your pens off to some mysterious hiding place – never to be seen again.

You may think he is playing.  Oh no, don’t let Gary fool you.  He is part of the great cat plan to take over the world.  As cats get older, they hide their plotting behind facades of boredom.  They lull us into a false sense of security.  It is the kittens you need to watch out for.  They are enthusiastic, they are determined and they can kill with “The Cute”.