Kittens: Natures Secret Weapon

I have decided that kittens are mother nature’s way of killing us with cute.  They are a manic weapon of mass destruction rolled into a wee fur suit.  Sure puppies are cute.  I love puppies.  I love the smell of puppies.  Baby smell has NOTHING on puppies however puppies do not have the plotting force of mayhem that kittens have.

Dogs are followers.  They hang with a pack and know their place in the world.  Cats are solitary preditors and plot to rule the world.  A world where the giant monkeys serve them and dogs are their playthings.  I have determined that kittens have this excess of energy that allows them to run up your walls, jump onto your door frames and plot the over throw of society at the same time.

Kittens seem to have 2 personalities.  The cute, sweet faced, mellow kitten and then the insane hyper bomb of destruction.  It is the cute persona that keeps us from killing them, thus ensuring their plan for World Domination. I know all about this.  My cat Alia, nick named The Abomination,  is a perfect example.  She was sweet and mild and good natured until a switch turned on and she started bouncing off the walls like Donald O’Connor in Singing in the Rain.

You may say that behaviour is learned and not all kittens are plotting your demise but you would be wrong.  Take Galahad.  I met him this weekend.  He is a sweet grey kitten with white paws and chest.  He is small and thin and lulls you into a false sense of security.  You think he is just so sweet & tiny there is no way he could be a threat until one night you wake up and find yourself staring into the eyes of “Gary”.  Gary is my name for his alter ego who wants to cook you and eat you for supper.  Gary is the one who bounces off the wall, attacks the other animals, manically pursues things that aren’t there and stares at you while you sleep, wondering what cuts would be tastiest.  Gary attacks your feet, chews on wires and carries your pens off to some mysterious hiding place – never to be seen again.

You may think he is playing.  Oh no, don’t let Gary fool you.  He is part of the great cat plan to take over the world.  As cats get older, they hide their plotting behind facades of boredom.  They lull us into a false sense of security.  It is the kittens you need to watch out for.  They are enthusiastic, they are determined and they can kill with “The Cute”.

Posted on April 19, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I have *no* idea what you are talking about, we gave you the sweet and innocent ball of fluff……

    her sisters climbed the drapes, not her…

  2. Tonks (Alia’s sister) is still killing me with the cute. I know she will take over the world someday… At least we don’t have drapes to climb. But I gave her a Chihuaha to beat up at our new home so she’s distracted – for now…

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