The Power Of My Peesch

So what can topple governments, start wars, raise armies and conquer the world? You guessed it! Your vagina! Personally I didn’t know my vagina had so much spare time. Perhaps it sneaks out when I’m asleep to stalk through forests, attend jousts and drive men insane. That might explain my cat waking me up last night with paw taps on my face. She wasn’t being annoying or wanting attention, she was trying to tell me that my vagina was sneaking out the front door to reek havoc.

This explains so much. The 463rd stock market crash of the past ten years, the failure of the BART system, riots in London – all caused by the power of the Va Jay Jay! Wow ladies, we are bringing the world to its knees! My only question is why? What’s the payback? What do we get except the narcissistic rush of watching men kill each other in a frenzy of awe and lust? Do we get money? Jewelery? A country of our own? I’m not seeing any kind of tangible payback in this latest, idiotic commercial from Summer’s Eve.

Now I freely admit I have no idea what the executives were thinking. Maybe they thought it was a positive affirmation of female power, maybe they thought it was evocative, romantic and stirring or maybe they were clueless douches who missed the boat completely.

First we are told by the douche industry that we smell bad, now we are told that the sole reason for male conflict, bloodshed and aggression is because of our vaginas! Yes, those tricky little things are such minxes. They are always causing trouble. I suppose if your job is to sell pine scented cootch douche you only have a few marketing avenues you can travel. You can either try to scare women with the “smell” or you can make them think if they have the best rose garden/pine forest/ocean breeze smelling vagina, you can rule the world. I mean, who wouldn’t want Spartan warriors smashing each other with heavy objects for the chance to be your new consort of the hour?

Maybe it’s just me but I would like to think that if my vagina really was the source of all this earth-shattering power, that it could be used for good. Just think about it for a minute. Women being respected for their life-giving potential as well as their skills in the boardroom as well as the battlefield. Women being held in esteem instead of being assaulted, demeaned, demoralized and treated like children. Women who are proud of their bodies and not told they are bad or evil or need the control of others to tell them what to do with them. Wow, freedom to be a mature, free-thinking adult! Now that is a power that I can get behind.

Twilight: A Movie Observation

Due to popular demand and the fact that I am writing this week, I am posting some classic blogs. First up is my observation of the first Twilight movie and what I think of this piece of literary dreck.

Okay, let me just say that I’ve read three of the four angst filled vampire books that have been sweeping the nation. While I’ven’t read Breaking Dawn, of the first three books in the series, Twilight was the best. The others are even more confusing and angst filled if that is possible. Why am I going on about the book? Because I am going to compare the book and the movie. If you haven’t read the book – tough. Deal with it.

So the premise is that Bella Swan comes to a tiny Washington town called Forks. I pictured more tress but then I was also thinking that Forks was in Oregon for some reason so there ya go. Vampires should pick Oregon to hang out in because there are only 500 people living in the entire State. Anyway…

Her Dad is the head cop. I pictured their house a little more… rustic. Smaller, more cave like. I mean, we all know that men on their own, live like bears with furniture unless they are gay. Then they live like a spread from Architectural Digest.

So Bella goes to school and meets…. The Cullens. They are white. I don’t mean Caucasian, I mean WHITE like marble. They are beautiful, stuck up and odd in a … well, out of time way. You have Rosalie who is perfect. The blond ice bitch from hell that no one would ever have a chance with even if she wasn’t undead. There is her hulking jock boyfriend who has that striking jarhead look and has no neck. The best Cullen kid is Alice. Perky, quirky and totally cool. She’s dragging around a newly turned vampire who has this glazed look on his face. It’s the look most people get when they are in a room full of bloody steak and lamb chops and fois gras and have been forced to eat lettuce and tofu for the past year or 5. You think he’s going to take down the next student like a hunting lion. Oooooo, if you have ever seen Mike Judge’s new show The Goode Family about that whacky PC, vegan family – he looks like the perpetually starved “vegan dog”.

Now Bella and Edward, because let’s face it, these are the two everyone is gaga about. Ummmm, not pretty enough. I know, no one ever writes angsty books about romantic ugly people. It doesn’t happen. They are beautiful people that have a “fatal flaw”. Hers is that she’s clumsy (which I really didn’t see except her falling down once) and his is that he’s an undead bloodsucker. Not really anything to completely offset the fact that they are good looking. I just didn’t think the actors were as good looking as they are suppose to be.

I don’t know about you but Cedric Diggery just doesn’t get my heart going. He’s a good looking kid, don’t get me wrong. But he’sn’t heart stopping, head turning gorgeous. He doesn’t personify the kind of beauty that is only seen in the Angels and nasty dreams in your mind.

Bella, not so much. The dye job on her hair is a mess. My opinion is she needs a type of ethereal beauty to offset what a whiny, angsty, nutty, head case she’s. I would have just let the car hit her and be done with it. I would think a movie about Alice would be much more entertaining anyway.

I’ve heard that people think Edward is a stalker because he’s obsessed with Bellas scent and hangs outside her window for months watching her sleep. Let me explain something to you that only teen girls understand. This is romantic and cool and awesome. It’s warm and happy and safe until sex comes along and ruins everything. One of my friends once said the definition between a stalker and a romantic is whether you like him or not. If you dig him, it’s cool. If he’s a slimy troll, It’s creepy and gross. The problem is most guys don’t understand they are the slimy trolls. No really, you are. Only otherworldly beautiful guys full of mystery and intensity get to watch you sleep from your roof for 3 months. You? Nope, you are a creepy, slimy troll.

Let me also state for the record – Vampires… Don’t… Sparkle!!!! They don’t have skin like diamonds that scintillates in the sun. They are fabulous and gay like Lestat or are brooding & scary like Dracula or are punk & hot & scary like Keifer Sutherland. They Do Not SPARKLE!!!

Here is the basic plot line in a nutshell: Girl moves to small town, vampire likes girl, girl hates boy, girl is intrigued with boy and his mysterious eyes, boy saves girls life, girl obsesses about boy, girls father doesn’t approve of boy (but would rather she bone werewolf boy from the other side of the tracks), girl is happy, boy is happy, girl is in mortal peril as bad guys want to kill/eat her, chase ensues, much self blame is cast, much angst occurs, boy & girl end up together, bad guy plots revenge.

Not very original. It makes me want to hurl when some people who are either idiots or paid off say that the author is the most brilliant storyteller of our time! WTF??! No, not even close. I’ve hundreds of authors I can name that are better than her. She’sn’t fit to wipe the dirt from their shoes. Her writing it pedantic, the plotting is plodding and the angst of the characters only increases as the books continue.

The one good thing about the movie. It’s better than the book and as I said, Twilight has been the best book of the first three that I read. The movie is only a bit shy of 2 hours so you miss out on 6 additional hours of angst and plodding plot line. The movie does speed elements up though the alone time between Edward and Bella is boring as all hell unless you are 14 years old and a girl. If you are a boy and don’t think this is boring, I fear for you because no self respecting gay boy would find this interesting either.

Is this a great movie? No.. Is it a good movie? I’ll give it that on the condition you don’t pay more than $3 which leaves Netflix or a similar rental because movie prices will never be $3 again. If you have a spare hour and 53 minutes that you don’t mind tossing, go for it. I personally think It’s fine to watch while you are doing something else like beading or sewing or double clicking your mouse. Personally I think the best ending for this series would be “And then Buffy staked the whole Cullen family and we all lived happily ever after.”

Vagisil vs. Springtime Clean = Why?

For todays Friday Tech Column, I thought I would talk about eCommerce and bookstores and red pumps but then a commercial for Vagisil came on and everything went to hell in a handbasket.  According to the commercial, this woman just can’t “wash away the odor with regular soap and water, it keeps coming back.”  Really?

Let me get this straight.  We can’t show condom ads in prime time or commercials for jock itch but douches and feminine wipes are fine.

In our Puritanical world, sex is bad and dirty unless you are a GOP congressman getting a reach around in an airport bathroom because you are so far in the closet you’ve found Narnia.  Sex is bad when you are trying to educate people about birth control or diseases but perfectly fine if it’s a near naked women squirming all over the hood of a car.

Men’s issues like jock itch are not fodder for prime time TV commercials but we can  tell women they are dirty, they smell bad, they are just “wrong” and need a chemical solution to make them “fresh” like a pine forest.

Don’t believe me?  This is straight off the Vagasil website next to their feminine wash.  (BTW my comments are the ones in brackets, if you couldn’t tell already by the snark.)

Doesn’t just clean away odor, it keeps it from happening.  (Yes, that pesky odor never goes away.  It’s bad and nasty and no one will like you.  You are pathetic.)

Safe and gentle enough to use everyday. (Why just let your own body clean itself out like nature intended?  You can use our chemical product every day!)

Hypoallergenic. (Like that makes it better)

Light and clean scent. (Clean?  So now your peesh smells like what?  Linen?  A mountain spring?  Highland flowers?  An Arctic breeze?)

It’s the confident clean. (That doesn’t even make sense.  As opposed to the unconfident clean?)

No one understands a woman’s body quite like the makers of Vagisil. (You silly girl, you can’t be expected to understand your own body!)

In many cases, there’s no need to see a doctor or live with embarrassment. (Embarrassment from what?  Personally I would be embarrassed to step foot outside with a miasma of “truck stop pine deodorant” floating around my va jay jay like a dark cloud.)  Instead, these feminine products give women the confidence they need to look and feel their best.  (I don’t need vagina chemicals to give me confidence, I have a brain.)

Since women’s yeast infection symptoms cannot always be kept at home,Vagisil offers their Medicated Anti-Itch Wipes that are perfect for on-the-go. (Gee and I thought the epitome of on-the-go was the new micro ground ice coffee from Starbucks!)

They come wrapped in individual packets so you can stick a couple in your purse or car for when you need them the most. (ummm WHY aren’t you going to a doctor if you’re sooo itchy you have to stash wipes all over Hell and gone.)

Understanding a woman’s body, Vagisil also offers a selection of products that are used for maintenance, keeping the down-there area feeling fresh and clean at all times. (Down-there area?  Really?  Can’t you just say Vagina?  Let’s all say it together – Vagina!  Vagina!  Vagina!  Don’t you feel better now?  I feel all fresh and clean myself.)

If you are unsure if you’re suffering from a yeast infection, the company offers a testing kit that screens for vaginal infections. Therefore, if you come up with a positive result, you will know the symptoms to treat. This is part of the vision of this company; to educate women on vaginal irritation and infection, treating the symptoms in a safe manner.

(Ah, wait a minute… are you a DOCTOR?  So you expect women to self-diagnose a yeast infection with your stupid kit and then use your product?  What if they’re wrong?  Are you going to pick up  the bill if it turns into something worse because women were basically told they didn’t need to see a professional?  I’m thinking no.  I think if something worse did happen you would point to the very small print on the box that said “Haha, just kidding.  You should check with a medical professional before putting anything up your hoo hoo.  We aren’t responsible if you fell for the whole “you are stupid and dirty” schtick.”

Fortunately, all of Vagisil’s products can be purchased online, without having to go to the store or risk the chance of seeing that cute boy next door. (So God forbid the “cute boy next door” sees you buying peesh deodorant.  Who does this happen to?  I mean really!  If you are that insecure, bury the feminine wipes box in a pile of chewing gum, magazines and potato chips like an insecure teen buying condoms.  On the other hand, you don’t NEED feminine wipes!  There is nothing wrong with you that showering doesn’t fix.  If you reek, you need to see a real doctor because something is wrong and then you can get your yeast cream from the pharmacist like a normal person.  You don’t have insurance?  No problem!  You can go to a clinic and then the doctor can tell you which over the counter item to get IF that’s the problem.)

Do we really need more reasons to feel bad and doubt ourselves ladies?  Why put money into the coffers of chemical companies unless you need the product for a genuine medical reason?  Why all the vagina hate ladies?  I thought we got over all that when “The Vagina monologues” came out.  Let’s promise each other that we will love our vaginas, not treat them like second class citizens and we won’t roll around in soapy water, eating a hamburger on the hood of a car.  Not unless a hot fireman does it first.