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Does Jesus Need Telemarketers? Hell No!

So today I was clearing crap off my answering machine which normally consists of collection calls for Geraldo Munez, political recordings and people wanting me to refi my non-existent house, I found this:

Hello, I’m Pastor Hayes, Pastor of the Hurricain Bible Church, home of Truth and Liberty schools. Dear friends we want to be a blessing to you. First of all, realize that God loves you and died and shed his blood and rose again for you. And right now you can receive Christ as your saviour, just say, ‘Lord save me, Lord forgive me’ and he’ll do it. And then pick you phone right now and call me at area 703-722-1078 and we’ll get back with you. God bless you.”

Really? REALLY?! I had no idea that telemarketing religion was now the thing to do. I suppose it was only a matter of time before the evangelicals discovered technology.

Now if, according to Pastor Hayes I say “Lord save me, Lord forgive me” and he does, then why do I have to call Pastor Hayes? I’m already saved!

From a business point of view, I fail to see how this type of scattershot marketing does any good for your organization. The majority of people in our day and age are smart enough to pick their own religion or to have no religion. I doubt that many people will be lured in to joining a Church in West Virginia solely based on this phone call.

From a legal standpoint, my number is registered on the National No Call list. Even if Gerald, who apparently had the number years before me, is not on the list, I am and I will be filing a complaint with the FCC.

I admit I have a cold, am cranky and really want a houseboy to bring me fresh squeezed juice and clean my house right now so maybe I am over reacting.

Nah! Pastor Hayes, don’t call my house anymore. Jesus told me you need to stop bothering people when they are sitting down to eat or watching The Apprentice. Thanks!

And Now A Word From My Fiance.. Jesus Christ

Hello Everyone,

As I am risen on this wonderful Easter day, a little late due to lack of sleep and no coffee, I saw my shadow and declare 6 more weeks of rain! hehehe, a little Easter humor there, I crack me up.

OK just want to give you the good word for today before I go back to my Mimosa:

* Play nice with each other. Myself, my father and mother don’t have the time nor the inclination to get involved in every petty thing. Please stop trying to ask for divine help in idiot situations such as winning a baseball game, finding a parking place or screwing over your fellow contestants on Survivor. I will have you know that sports are all up to you & your natural abilities, Murray is in charge of parking spaces – pray to him and I don’t watch Survivor, I watch the Amazing Race.

* Stop killing people in my name. I know this is a lost cause because you are flawed monkies but try OK? Here, I will tell you an Easter secret. None of you are right. Sorry, there is no “Right” church. Remember when I said in my Fathers house there are many mansions? What did you think that meant? It wasn’t that God Almighty owns a ton of McMansion houses so you need to collect piles of money to get your own. It meant there are places for EVERYONE and their beliefs in the afterlife. We all take different roads heading to the same place and that is OK. So knock it off. Anyone that kills, blows up, sets on fire, hangs, disembowels or otherwise murders someone for their religious beliefs gets immediately turned over to Ammut. Look it up, I’m not doing everything for you.

* Stop picking on people you don’t like and telling them they are going to Hell. That goes back to Play Nice with Each Other. Guess what? Divine personages don’t make mistakes. I love gays, straights, drag queens, jews, muslims, witches, cabbages named Frank and a myriad of other flavors of life. Who wants to freakin’ eat vanilla ice cream for eternity?  I sure as hell don’t!   I made them, I love them and just because you are jealous doesn’t give you the right to tease, torment or kill them. That makes me pissy and hey, it’s Easter! I don’t want to be pissy. Go eat a chocolate rabbit.

* OK, here is a big one, STOP FUCKING LITTLE KIDS!! That goes for ALL pedophiles whether you are a priest or a coach or the creepy guy next door downloading kiddie porn. It is wrong in my sight and the sight of the universe. If you do this, you are evil. Evil is bad. That is the other side, if you weren’t paying attention. This earns you a ticket straight to prison where you will be the companion of a skinhead named Snake then when you die… Hell? You WISH! What is waiting for you is TONS worse than Hell. Oh, and this applies equally to anyone who knows some freak is molesting a kid and does nothing. I don’t care if you are a Cardinal or the kids Mom. Actually if you are the kids MOM, that is even worse than a Cardinal shuffling pervy priests around. Don’t make me put down my Mimosa and lay down some righteous smack on your ass. Just stop it.

* The Easter Bunny is real. Honestly, where do you think I got this really cool chocolate bunny that is filled with chocolate chip cookie dough? Be nice to him or he will eat your head. That is one pissed off rabbit when crossed. Forget about Satan, that rabbit is the real deal.

* If you are good and paid attention to what I said I will let you know how the resurrection trick worked. Hint: it actually didn’t include death and resurrection but that is a story for another day. If I show you how all the tricks work, you wont pay to see the show.

OK, be good children and I will talk to you later. I need to feed my ladies some brunch and the nuns are not invited today.