Repent! Ignorant, Whack-a-doodle New Puritans Coming To A Witch Burning Near You.

OK, I was doing some research for my book and stumbled upon a fanatical Christian website that at first I thought was a joke.  Listen, I do NOT put these idiots in the same category of the many sane, peace-loving, law-abiding, tolerant, intelligent Christians that I know.  In fact, I know those people would speak out against these morons who have hijacked their faith and are turning it into a demented joke.

I was just surfing Google, looking for the date that Twilight was released in movie theatres so I could refine another “why this movie is stupid and lame” review when I came across this doozy.  The article had this amazing title that drew me in.  Thus I present it to you in it’s entirety from the pen (or crayon) of “Abe” – (NOTE: all misspellings and bad grammar are his)

Twilight Vampire Children of the Corn Terrorize Utah Farms with Crop Circles

Satan’s abducted children commited more tomfoolery last night, this time by making crop circles to celebrate their love for the latest movie in the Twilight series, New Moon.

As you know, the ‘new moon’ is heavily used in cult of Wiccans. Wiccans are new-age witches who celebrate Obama and abortion parties by dancing unclothed under the moon and hoping things like demented werewolves, disease upon nations and other devilish things like universal death panels will come to fruition after their bizarre ceremonies.

How sad is it to know that Twilight is now turning all children who see it into Wiccans?

Picture Evidence

ChristWire Digital Media – Aerial photos show that two separate “Twilight”-themed maze patterns have already been cut into the corn — a “Team Jacob” and a “Team Edward.” (In the movie, Bella can choose Edward or Jacob as her boyfriend.) [wait, is this a choose-your-own-adventure story now? -ed.]

Late last night, sleeping Utah children whose parents let them read all the Twilight books and watch the movies were had Satan enter the rooms and then whisper into their ears. Letting your children read books about vampires welcomes Satan into your home, it gives him the keys to your children’s hearts and bodies.

Tiptoeing over their bed, Satan opened his lips and said something sinister like, “Arise, young fornicated Twilight heathens, and go do my bidding in the local farmyards.”

I am sick and appalled that there are parents out there who let Satan do such things to their kids. Unable to fight off his words because their spiritual person was weakened by all the premarital fornication and blood death in the Twilight movies, these children had no choice but to let Satan enter their bodies and lead them out to these cornfields. We can all see the result of what he wanted them to do; make Twilight vampire wolf crop circles to celebrate this sadistic film by Mr. JK Rowling.

Dear friends, how many more times are we going to let Twilight lure our children to sin cults and death? Satan is the pied piper of souls, and his favorite instrument is your local movie theater. There he will play Twilight New Moon to all comers, and anyone who hears what this film has to offer may be hypnotized to particpate with bizarre Wiccan rituals and then eventually burn with the Soviets and gays in the lowest pits of hell for all time.

Let’s keep our children safe and proud. You must fear how much evil Twilight will bring into the life of your kids. Imagine the guilt in your heart if you find your kid covered with vampire bite marks or blight, his or her poor body eternally damned to think it was a real life vampire. Only hell would await them and it would be all your fault.

Oh dear parents, hear my pleas. You must save our children and ban this filth from their lives. Their young teenage minds cannot comprehend the, cosmic forces at work behind this crazy, sinister film and book series.

Love your children by forbidding them from seeing Twilight and burn any books that they have bought! They will thank you for your actions, for an eternity. Do it now, and make your heart proud. Burn it. Burn Twilight!

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How’s THAT for whack-a-doodle article of the week?!  Personally, speaking as a Wiccan, I’m not sure I would really want to hang with Twilighters at my Sabbats but that’s just me.  I guess they could come as long as they didn’t talk about Edward or Jacob all the time or wear shirts with their faces on them.  I will say that while I certainly celebrate Obama and have been known to dance naked under the moon I have never had an abortion party.  Does a Tupperware party count because I’ve had one of those.

Now I am very interested in exactly what Satan wants these Twilight heathens to do in the farm yards because I have a feeling certain folk have been doing that in Kentucky or Scotland or in some bayou somewhere for a lot longer than Twilight has been out.

I would also like to point out to Abe, that JK Rowlings (Joanne) is a WOMAN and she wrote Harry Potter (which I’m sure you also hate) and not Twilight.  Harry Potter is also better written than Twilight since JK actually has a keen sense of plot and storytelling.

I’m so thrilled that as a Wiccan I will be cast into hell fire with the gays and the Soviets, especially since the USSR ceased to exist nearly 20 years ago.  Fabulous gay men and ballet dancers?  I’ll take that afterlife, no problem!  Actually it amazes me that this mental midget attributes so much power to a 3rd rate writer and so easily falls back on the old standard of book burning to dispel Satan from your children’s lives.  I think it would be really funny if only these people weren’t actually serious and out there, walking amongst us like .. the undead, masquerading as human beings.

THAT’S IT!!!  THAT is Satan’s Plan!  He plants these undead, day walking vampires to go out and spout hatred against douchy vampire novels and earth religions and homosexuals and people who like to eat sushi and go to dance parties and have great sex.  They are the real aliens we should all be ever vigilant about.  I would never advocate burning their misspelled books or tying THEM to a stick and setting them on fire but I would be on the watch for them in your daily life.  Good people, smack down this kind of ignorance where ever you find it, especially if they are calling themselves Christians.  They aren’t Christians.  They espouse hatred and intolerance and that’s not what Jesus is about.  I know, I just asked him.  He told me to turn the other cheek and feel sorry for these lost souls.  I suppose I can pity them but no reason I can’t get a laugh out of their antics at the same time.