Monthly Archives: April 2012

A Conversation with a Taco and a Toilet

What do you say when you meet a walking, talking taco and toilet coming down the street? At a loss for words? Yup, me too. For Whack-A-Doodle Wednesday I thought I would share a small slice of my weekend that is still sticking with me like those shrimp chips I ate last night when I was drunk.

I see a lot of strange things in California but even at an event where some people wear costumes, this takes the cake. No, it wasn’t Halloween. This was a semi-historical venue that was hosting a “steampunk weekend”. Still the costume optional aspect of this event should not have elicited the response of “hmmmm, let’s dress up as a greasy high calorie food and a crapper”. Though I do see how those costumes are a bit symbiotic in a disturbing way. Not even a hoop skirt or a pair of goggles could have helped this sad concept.

Allow me to share my surreal conversation.

Me: Excuse me but what are you?

Taco: I’m a taco and she’s a toilet. WE’RE FROM THE FUTURE! (Yes, that part was yelled in a lusty tone.)

Me: Did you lose a bet? (Actually I said “Didst thou lose a wager” but for the sake of ease I will translate to lazy American speak.)

Taco: Did you? (Good one. Actually I did but I wasn’t going to tell her that.)

Me: So good woman, what purpose do you serve?

Taco: I’m delicious. (Really? Better than Fois Gras? I think not!)

Me: And your companion?

Taco: She’s practical. (Nothing like being the wingman to Taco Girl. Actually of the pair I think the toilet is the one that lost the bet in the costume department. No self-respecting female really wants to be seen out in public as a toilet. It’s damn hard to make that costume “sexy”.)

Me: So then the both of you together are practically delicious! (I chortle at my wit. The taco looked confused. The toilet just looked uncomfortable. I wonder if she felt the need to use herself and the concept was flumoxing her. Honestly I would have paid money to see toilet girl trying to shove her faux porcelain mass into a portable john. Ahh, the irony of it all!)

The lesson to this story, don’t leave the house dressed as food or plumbing even if costumes are “admired but not required”. If you do, understand that people are going to remark on it. If you didn’t want the questions, you should have gone as Naughty Nurse Jessica Rabbit and called it a day.

The UK falls into a pit of US death food and can’t get up!

So today for Whack-A-Doodle Wednesday, I am sad to report the fall of the British Empire. I know, I know, that ship sailed when they left India (taking curry and cool fashions as the consolation prize) but this is an intellectual fall they are experiencing now and it makes me weep.

To me, our brothers and sisters across the pond have served as a reminder of our more cultured selves. Perhaps it’s watching all that Masterpiece Theatre, the BBC and dressing up like the Queen of England on weekends but that’s how it is. Until now.

I have just discovered that Pizza Hut, in one of the foulest experiments known to human kind, is debuting a….. hot dog stuffed inside the crust of their already dough heavy pizzas. Yeah, first we had cheese filled crust, now we have hot dog filled crust and it’s only available in the UK! I would expect an abomination like this to be peddled to the good people of Squirrel Butt, Arkansas but I thought the British were smarter. Evidently not.

Don’t believe me?

England, you send Jamie Oliver over here to show us the error of our food ways, how we are killing ourselves and our kids with high fat, empty calorie crap and then you eat THIS?! Are you kidding me?

I am going to pray that the stiff upper lip, moral fiber of the British people come to the fore, they reject this insidious abomination and have some nice kippers with their farm fresh eggs. If Britain falls, we are all doomed!

Whack-A-Doodle Wednesday Crawls Back.. with Bunnies

I know, I know, I suck. If it’s any comfort, I have been in Disney World and Disneyland. Oh, I suck more? Fine but I’m doing it for you! Really! Fine, I’m doing it for me too because The Mouse is all kinds of happy, dancing, Mickey crack to me.

I am getting ready to launch a re-mastered version of the Magic Kingdom Guide, working on a guide for Animal Kingdom and Epcot as well. The Squirrel book is in the can and going through the design process and the Easter Bunny got busted for drug possession.

Really! Don’t you people read? It seems a shopping mall Easter Bunny was popping pills on his break (who can blame him with kids piddling on him all day), was caught, detained and arrested. It seems he didn’t have a doctors note for those Qualudes so off to the slammer he hopped. I suppose if he HAD a prescription they would have let him off with a warning and a jar of jelly beans. Honestly, how is a fake rabbit suppose to make a living?

Yes, the world is full of sad people, trying to make a living, dressing as furries for a confused holiday. Allow me to share with you a brilliant blog dedicated to creepy Easter bunnies. After you are through looking, you can thank me. –

Personally, I’m here for the Scotch. I know the REAL Easter Bunny really doesn’t give a crap about chocolate eggs, Peeps or plastic grass. The real Easter Bunny is into Scotch, cigars and sitting in a blind at the North Pole waiting to get a clear shot at Santa who’s amazingly nimble for jolly old elf with a bowl full of jelly belly.

Well now that we can settle down to the residuals of our holiday sugar highs, I will start planning my next Mouse trip, do some more writing and be on the look out for a nice glass of Scotch magically appearing on my front porch. Hey…. ummmmm, isn’t that amber liquid a bit warm?