Monthly Archives: July 2010

Get Your Boat Out Of My Space! – An SUV Story

Last week I was in Pasadena.  I needed to stop at the grocery store on a Sunday morning.  The parking lot was pretty empty.  When I went into the store I was eight spaces down with empty spaces on each side of my car.  There was plenty of parking all around me and closer to the store as well.  When I returned there were two HUGE SUVs parked on either side of my car.  I have so many questions…

WHY did you park next to me when there were plenty of empty spaces available?  Are you watching me try to squeeze into my car (which is parked between my white lines) looking like a demented circus performer?  Am I about to be Punked? While I am not the kind of person who would damage someone’s car on purpose, if your paint became chipped because I needed to open my DOOR, it falls in the category of “not my fault”.

I did a little research.  The average width of your typical car is 5 1/2 ft. vs. the average SUV width of 6 3/4 ft.  While SUVs seem to be waning in popularity, there are still a lot of them on the road and not all owners are considerate of the fact their parking footprint is that of a killer whale.

Here is another example of SUV parking gone wild.  I was going to the movies with friends.  The car we were in was a Saturn 4-door sedan.  The parking lot was PACKED (opening night of Inception) and spaces were at a premium.  While there is always some asshat who deliberately takes up two spaces, there are also SUVs who insist on parking in compact spaces and hang into the next space, rendering it near useless for a truly compact car.

We were desperate to find a space and get to our movie.  The ONLY space available was between two SUVs and yes, they were all compact spaces.  I thought nothing would fit there except maybe a Vespa.  My friends husband had other ideas.  He parked the car straight into the space but the driver’s door would only open about a foot.  He had to crawl to the passenger door (which opened about two feet), contort himself into a pretzel and squeeze out of the car.  He thinks people who have large cars parked in compact spaces should be towed.  I think if you park your boat of a car in a compact space, I should be allowed to scratch PRICK on your car door but that’s just me.

Let me tell you something SUV owners.  The word COMPACT is not a suggestion, it’s a rule.  Those spaces are smaller and are NOT suitable for your yacht of a car.  If the cars next to you can not open their doors without hitting your car, don’t complain when your car gets dinged.  I don’t advocate car violence but I do advocate better awareness on the part of drivers.  Be considerate of others and remember it’s not all about you.  The car door you save might be your own.

(image by “I’m just this guy, you know?”) – Read about his similar Pasadena SUV parking experience in his blog at  Perhaps there is something in the water in Pasadena besides hexavalent chromium 3.

Twilight Tattoos – WHY?!

So today for Whack-a-doodle Wednesday, I bring you .. Twilight Tattoos.

There are people, somewhere on this planet, who would think at best “My, that is a nice sentiment.”  Sure but do I want it on my collarbone for all eternity or at least until death do we part?  Ummm, no.

Don’t get me wrong.  This is not a slam on body ink.  I have three tattoos myself.  I just think tattoos should mean something personal to you.  Deep, spiritual, meaningful.  Let me give you an example… a symbol of your religion, your childs face, something that reminds you of a departed loved one, a symbol of empowerment, not “Twilight forever”.

I know, it’s a free country.  People are free to make total asses out of themselves.  As an example of this, fresh from The People of WalMart website is something for you to think about.  This woman has got to be someone’s Mom or old enough to be one.  Aside from the fact that she’s eyeing the Kool Aid a bit too much she has Edward vampire eyes tattooed on her back!  EYES and the word TWILIGHT on her back for the rest of her life.  Was she high?  Did someone drop her on her head as a child?

This whole trend of “who can be the most intense and hardcore idiot fan” is getting a little out of control.  It comforts me a little to know that Robert Pattinson, the actor who plays Edward in these movies pretty much thinks his character is whack and so is Stephenie Meyer.  Here is a clip from an interview he did:

“When I read it … I was convinced that Stephenie was convinced that she was Bella, and … it was like it was a book that wasn’t supposed to be published, like reading her — her sort of sexual fantasy about some — especially when she says that it was based on a dream, and it’s like, “Oh, then I had a dream about this really sexy guy” and she just writes this book about it, and there’s some things about Edward that are just so specific that … I was just convinced that this woman is mad, she’s completely mad, and she’s in love with her own fictional creation. And I sometimes … feel uncomfortable reading this thing, and I think a lot of people feel the same way, that it’s kind of voyeuristic … It creates this sick pleasure in a lot of ways.”

I think he nailed it.  These books are juvenile, repressed sexual fantasies gone wrong.  Creepy.  What’s even more creepy are the myriad of tats to be found on the net.  There were so many I couldn’t show them all here so here is a link for your viewing pleasure.  The portrait of “Edward” who looks like he got hit by a truck is one of my favs. up-to-the-circus-sideshow-twilight-tattooed-freaks/

Before I go, I want to leave you with the opinion of the King of the Jungle.  A lion.  Who is suppose to have a lack of higher brain function but after seeing some of these people, I’m not so sure.

Because even animals know how bad you fail.

Vagisil vs. Springtime Clean = Why?

For todays Friday Tech Column, I thought I would talk about eCommerce and bookstores and red pumps but then a commercial for Vagisil came on and everything went to hell in a handbasket.  According to the commercial, this woman just can’t “wash away the odor with regular soap and water, it keeps coming back.”  Really?

Let me get this straight.  We can’t show condom ads in prime time or commercials for jock itch but douches and feminine wipes are fine.

In our Puritanical world, sex is bad and dirty unless you are a GOP congressman getting a reach around in an airport bathroom because you are so far in the closet you’ve found Narnia.  Sex is bad when you are trying to educate people about birth control or diseases but perfectly fine if it’s a near naked women squirming all over the hood of a car.

Men’s issues like jock itch are not fodder for prime time TV commercials but we can  tell women they are dirty, they smell bad, they are just “wrong” and need a chemical solution to make them “fresh” like a pine forest.

Don’t believe me?  This is straight off the Vagasil website next to their feminine wash.  (BTW my comments are the ones in brackets, if you couldn’t tell already by the snark.)

  • Doesn’t just clean away odor, it keeps it from happening.  (Yes, that pesky odor never goes away.  It’s bad and nasty and no one will like you.  You are pathetic.)
  • Safe and gentle enough to use everyday. (Why just let your own body clean itself out like nature intended?  You can use our chemical product every day!)
  • Hypoallergenic. (Like that makes it better)
  • Light and clean scent. (Clean?  So now your peesh smells like what?  Linen?  A mountain spring?  Highland flowers?  An Arctic breeze?)
  • It’s the confident clean. (That doesn’t even make sense.  As opposed to the unconfident clean?)
  • No one understands a woman’s body quite like the makers of Vagisil. (You silly girl, you can’t be expected to understand your own body!)

    In many cases, there’s no need to see a doctor or live with embarrassment. (Embarrassment from what?  Personally I would be embarrassed to step foot outside with a miasma of “truck stop pine deodorant” floating around my va jay jay like a dark cloud.)  Instead, these feminine products give women the confidence they need to look and feel their best.  (I don’t need vagina chemicals to give me confidence, I have a brain.)

    Since women’s yeast infection symptoms cannot always be kept at home,Vagisil offers their Medicated Anti-Itch Wipes that are perfect for on-the-go. (Gee and I thought the epitome of on-the-go was the new micro ground ice coffee from Starbucks!)

    They come wrapped in individual packets so you can stick a couple in your purse or car for when you need them the most. (ummm WHY aren’t you going to a doctor if you’re sooo itchy you have to stash wipes all over Hell and gone.)

    Understanding a woman’s body, Vagisil also offers a selection of products that are used for maintenance, keeping the down-there area feeling fresh and clean at all times. (Down-there area?  Really?  Can’t you just say Vagina?  Let’s all say it together – Vagina!  Vagina!  Vagina!  Don’t you feel better now?  I feel all fresh and clean myself.)

    If you are unsure if you’re suffering from a yeast infection, the company offers a testing kit that screens for vaginal infections. Therefore, if you come up with a positive result, you will know the symptoms to treat. This is part of the vision of this company; to educate women on vaginal irritation and infection, treating the symptoms in a safe manner.

    (Ah, wait a minute… are you a DOCTOR?  So you expect women to self-diagnose a yeast infection with your stupid kit and then use your product?  What if they’re wrong?  Are you going to pick up  the bill if it turns into something worse because women were basically told they didn’t need to see a professional?  I’m thinking no.  I think if something worse did happen you would point to the very small print on the box that said “Haha, just kidding.  You should check with a medical professional before putting anything up your hoo hoo.  We aren’t responsible if you fell for the whole “you are stupid and dirty” schtick.”

    Fortunately, all of Vagisil’s products can be purchased online, without having to go to the store or risk the chance of seeing that cute boy next door. (So God forbid the “cute boy next door” sees you buying peesh deodorant.  Who does this happen to?  I mean really!  If you are that insecure, bury the feminine wipes box in a pile of chewing gum, magazines and potato chips like an insecure teen buying condoms.  On the other hand, you don’t NEED feminine wipes!  There is nothing wrong with you that showering doesn’t fix.  If you reek, you need to see a real doctor because something is wrong and then you can get your yeast cream from the pharmacist like a normal person.  You don’t have insurance?  No problem!  You can go to a clinic and then the doctor can tell you which over the counter item to get IF that’s the problem.)

    Do we really need more reasons to feel bad and doubt ourselves ladies?  Why put money into the coffers of chemical companies unless you need the product for a genuine medical reason?  Why all the vagina hate ladies?  I thought we got over all that when “The Vagina monologues” came out.  Let’s promise each other that we will love our vaginas, not treat them like second class citizens and we won’t roll around in soapy water, eating a hamburger on the hood of a car.  Not unless a hot fireman does it first.

    Lindsay Lohan Is A Lesbian Twilight Vampire

    This is my third entry in what I have titled “Whack-a-doodle Wednesday”. I’m doing this for the month of July but might bring it back at a later date since there are soooo many car wrecks out there, most with the word Twilight on them.  So today,according to our favorite Wednesday Whack-a-doodle – Abe, Lindsay Lohan is a lipstick lesbian vampire.  Face it, she’s not butch – look at the shoes.  Let’s hear what he (and the voices in his head) have to say.  As always, his poor spelling and idiot theories are copied exactly as he wrote them:


    “I knewed it. Take a good look at the picture. Look at it! The movie Twilight is corrupting our youth to do blood rituals and abortion orgies. The latest person to try to help spread this demonic following to our youth is a Hollywood flussy named Lindsay Lohan.

    Lindsay Lohan is famous for being a flickering licksinned lesbian and teasing men’s satan scepters by doing sick nude photos where she showed her bared milks for all to see. If that was not vile enough, she is now helping to spread a gay vampire agenda as you see in my evidence.

    Friends, there is nothing holy or good about vampires. Ever since Twilight came out, teen death and drug use has increased ten fold in our schools. Swine flu is spreading through university campuses and killing students by the 100s and soon 1000s! It’s just like the plague all over again, I wonder why?

    You want the answer? Lesbian vampires and Twilight!

    Here you me. If I had it my way, I would organize everyone in town and make Mr. J.K. Rowling of Twilight fame come to our court! We would vote him guilty for tempting children to bite each other in the neck and then tempting more boys and girls to come with their “friendly lesbian” vampire agents on twitters.

    Friends, celebrity girls now think it’s okay to participate in the Twilight death culture. Your daughters look up to girls like Lidnsay Lohan and media is just letting her courrpt their innocent minds. It is time for parents to take charge and FORBID TWILIGHT!

    There is a sick new Twilight movie coming out where the vampires and wolves have bestials gay agenda sex! They want to show this filth to your children and then teach them that drinking a little bit of each other’s blood is all happy and fun games!

    I do not know about you, but as a loving parent my heart would be sad to find my kin done gone and died of chlamydial AIDS because they were playing vampires with their little Hollywood emulating friends. Ban Twilight! Ban it!”


    Wow, there is so much wrong in that I don’t even know where to start.  You know, this almost makes me feel sorry for all the douchy Twilight vampires.  Almost.  To be honest, the more I looked at this website, the more I am convinced it is a total put on.  Hell, these articles get millions of hits.  Yeah.  This gives me an idea.  If I write whack-a-doodle insanity, tell everyone I’m living in a cave in Montana, maybe I can get this kind of traffic.  So, yeah, I do think it’s a put on but it’s still funny in a whack-a-doodle way!

    I want to give a shout out to Anastasia Leigh for the awesome butterfly border I wontonly snagged from her Facebook page.  She is awesome.  Everybody wave!

    Squirrels In The News: The Beginning Of The End

    Squirrels are evil little troublemakers in fur suits.  They pretend to be nice and sweet while staring you down with their beady, black soulless eyes.  In an effort to jump-start your Monday morning, I give you this Public Service Announcement about the danger posed by associating with squirrels.

    (Here we see how squirrels have been used in espionage.  While I have no problem doing whatever it takes to make life unpleasant for that insane Iranian government, I doubt the efficacy of having rodents do your spying for you.)

    Iranians Arrest 14 Squirrels For Spying

    Iranian intelligence operatives recently detained over a dozen squirrels found within the nation’s borders, claiming the rodents were serving as spies for Western powers determined to undermine the Islamic Republic.

    “In recent weeks, intelligence operatives have arrested 14 squirrels within Iran’s borders,” state-sponsored news agency IRNA reported. “The squirrels were carrying spy gear of foreign agencies, and were stopped before they could act, thanks to the alertness of our intelligence services.”

    Iranian police commander Esmaeil Ahmadi-Moqadam confirmed the report, saying that a number of squirrels had been caught bearing foreign spy gear within Iran’s borders.

    “I heard of this but I have no specific knowledge on the subject,” he said. He refused to give further details.

    Recently, Iran has increased its efforts in combating espionage by the West. The use of rodents has not been documented in the past.

    (We have heard stories in the news of tragic shootings.  The fact that a squirrels mere presence had such an effect on this family should give people pause about the rational behind keeping them as pets.)

    Squirrel Cause of Mother Shooting Daughter

    Oceana County, Michigan – A heated mother-daughter argument over a pet squirrel escalated when the mother fired a 20-gauge shotgun in the daughter’s direction, police said.

    The conflict apparently started just before 3 p.m. Tuesday when the mother, a 57-year-old Greenwood Township woman, released the 33-year-old daughter’s pet squirrel into the wild, said Oceana County Sheriff’s Lt. Craig Mast.

    The shooting incident occurred on private property where the women were camping for the summer with several animals near the intersection of Wilke Road and 200th Avenue, Mast said.

    The daughter apparently had the squirrel as a pet for five years, Mast said, and did not want her mother to set it free.

    When the argument between the two women began, police said the daughter walked away for a while, and then returned, at which point the argument started again.

    That’s when the mother picked up her weapon, Mast said.

    “The mother had a 20-gauge shotgun and fired it in the direction of her daughter,”

    Mast said. “She was not hit.”

    Mast said sheriff’s deputies were dispatched to the area after someone called 911 about shots fired.”

    As of late Wednesday, a warrant for the mother’s arrest had not yet been signed, but Mast said she likely will be charged with felonious assault.

    (We’ve heard of squirrels starting electrical fires before but this time they endangered innocent children.  Isn’t it time we took steps to curtail their dangerous behavior?)

    Flaming Squirrel To Blame In Flaming Blaze

    JONES, OK – A squirrel caught fire, sparking a blaze Wednesday morning that resulted in the evacuation of an elementary school in Jones, fire officials said.

    (This last example of squirrel mayhem comes from across the pond in England where grey squirrels are running riot, pushing out the native red squirrel of Squirrel Nutkin fame.)

    Squirrel Banned From Riding Rollercoaster

    Alton Towers theme park has been forced to ban a daredevil squirrel from one of its rides as its antics pose a health and safety risk.

    The rodent was said to be causing headaches for operators at Alton Towers by getting in the way of improvement work on an attraction at the resort.

    The grey-haired animal was also caught stealing food from the workers.

    A spokesman for the Staffordshire theme park said: ”It was getting in the way of builders who were painting. They couldn’t carry on because they would end up with paw prints in the paint.  And we can’t have anything on the track when the roller coaster is going round.”

    Alarms were installed that emit a warning noise inaudible to human ears but designed to ensure the squirrel, nicknamed Sonic, avoids the ride in future.

    Morwenna Angove, sales and marketing director at the Alton Towers resort, said:

    ”Unfortunately Sonic’s behavior is a danger both to our guests and himself and so we’re doing all we can to ensure that he stays away from the ride.

    ”Banning a squirrel from a roller coaster is certainly unusual but I suppose there’s a first time for everything.”

    (Let this be a lesson to all of you.  The danger from the rodent population is out there.  Be alert and stay safe.  Happy Monday!)

    Do You Want To Date My Avatar?

    This is the first of my July Friday series of Tech/Social Network articles.  OK, it was suppose to be the first but the Oakland riot took it’s place last week.

    We have a wide variety of entertainment options in the gaming industry.  XBox 360, Wii, PS3, DS, apps for ipad and iphone however on-line games for the PC have been the staple of computer gaming since the 1990’s.  Nowadays, the most popular games are MMORPG’s (Massively Multiuser Online Role Playing Game).  You create characters, usually a fantasy character such as an elf, dwarf, human who has a specific talent.  Generally those are defined as a fighter, wizard, cleric, etc.  Some of the newer games also have genres such as Star Trek characters or Comic Super Heros but the basic format still applies.

    You create a character (avatar) who can be either male or female, enter a “virtual universe”, interact with other real people in this environment, go on quests, collect rewards and kill monsters/bad guys.  On the surface it’s a way to unwind, kill time or escape the boredom of dead-end jobs or bad relationships.  In other destructive ways it can be an all-consuming compulsion just like sitting at the pub all day, watching porn 24/7 or huffing glue.

    Speaking for myself, I was roped into the on-line world of Lord of the Rings by my friend Val.  She is a huge Tolkien geek and said we could play together.  I soon found out that it was really fun!  We joined a Kin or “guild”, which is a group of other people across the country that we play with.  We started chatting with them using headsets and have even met a few of them in person.  They’ve actually turned out to be pretty cool, normal people.

    This is not always the case.  I’ve heard stories about when “virtual space” has crossed over into the real world with unfortunate results.  One friend told me about a guy he met on-line who tried to break up his marriage because he thought his wife was hot.  Another friend told me about a Hoard raid buddy who thought stalking was an acceptable form of off-world interaction.

    There are people out there in cyber space who think your avatar is actually an accurate depiction of how you look.  Well, that isn’t true.  I currently play six characters in LOTRO (Lord of the Rings Online).  Two are human, 3 are elves and 1 is a hobbit.  Also two are male.  My main character is male which has elicited fun ribbing from some male on-line friends who say they can’t flirt with me in game because “I’m playing a dude.”  Well guys, how do you know the girls you do flirt with in game that you aren’t on a direct vocal link to are female?

    Virtual world interactions can be strange.  Here are two of my personal examples:  My hobbit is called Merrywine Butterbum.  I admit, I generated this character because I came up with the name and wanted a character to use it on.  Now, anytime I am in the mostly hobbit areas, I get HIT ON BY HOBBITS ALL THE TIME!!!  WTF?  Remember, there are real people playing the characters you see running around.  I’ve had male avatars ask me if I wanted to be their girl friend, give me presents (like in game money or loot) or just follow me around.  Creepy!  I also had another character I don’t play anymore.  She was a blond human with long hair and huge boobs.  Guess what?  If I was out by myself, guys are hitting on me.  You know, I could be a burly trucker for all they knew but it didn’t seem to matter.  If my avatar had blond hair, huge hooters and wasn’t with a group of people, it seemed I was fair game for all kinds of undue attention.

    Is it any wonder that my major character is a dude?  He never gets hit on though he is an elf.  Now that I think about it that’s close enough to a girls in many aspects.  Hmmm, maybe he needs to use more hair product….

    For a hilarious look at MMORPGs, check out this show on YouTube.   “The Guild” is based on a group of socially stunted gamers who are forced to interact in real life in addition to their  on-line lives and character interactions.  Felicia Day, who originated the series and plays Codex, also put together a “music video” of sorts that answers the question I posed.  Check it out – it’s brilliant!

    Is Paris Really This Stupid?

    So today for “Whack-a-doodle Wednesday” I present everyone’s favorite baby talkin’ felon – Paris Hilton.

    I am still at a loss as to why people are so fascinated with this girl.  Fine, she has money but that’s about it.  She’s not a Rhodes Scholar, doesn’t have much sense and isn’t all that pretty.  Honestly, if a horse and a praying mantis had a love child, she would be it.

    I must admit what bothers me the most isn’t her “needs to eat a whole frackin’ pie” figure but her lack of social graces.  The things that pop out of her mouth just boggle the mind.    Here is a classic:

    “The only rule is don’t be boring and dress cute wherever you go. Life is too short to blend in.” – Words to live by, I tell ya.  I must remember this when I go to the Fireman Store today to write.

    Paris is also a study in contrasts.  First she says “A true heiress is never mean to anyone – except a girl who steals your boyfriend.” and later we get this gem…

    “All right, so I was out on Saturday. This girl looks at my boyfriend. She’s like, ‘Oh, are you a soccer player?’ because he had a soccer shirt on. It pissed me off. I’m like, ‘Get the hell away from him.’ I pushed her and she fell on her ass on the floor. She sat there crying. She kept coming back like, ‘I’m so sorry.’ She kept trying to apologise. I’m like, ‘Get away from me. Talk to the hand.’ She was so desperate.”

    OK Paris, you whack-a doodle, she just asked him a question.  A frackin’ question!  Is that really how an heiress acts?  You assault an innocent woman?  Who looks desperate now?

    I think my favorite Paris quote came from the show “Life on the D list”, the hilarious comedy show by my personal Goddess, Kathy Griffin.  Kathy was shopping with Paris and Paris was giving her tips on how to stand like a model.  She said you should keep your mouth a little open, so of course Kathy made a hummer joke and Paris replied:

    “I aint ever do that.  My Mom always taught me only ugly girls need to go down on their knees and do things like that.” Really?  REALLY?!  And yes this is a real quote.  I had to play Tivo back three or four times to get all the bad grammar right.  Well now, I guess we know why those engagements never worked out.

    I’ll leave you with these parting pearls of Paris wisdom.  “I think it’s important for girls to be confident. Believe in yourself and everybody’s hot.”  as well as, “I don’t like parties past 2am. Then it’s all losers and weirdos.”

    Words to live by.

    Petey the Pervert: Coming Soon To A Park Near You

    So the other day I was at Civic Park in Walnut Creek.  You know, the nice one with the matching playground equipment, the friendly people with their tiny pocket dogs and sporatic potluck parties.  I was there with some friends participating in some group activities that involved tossing sticks at blocks of wood, singing songs in Latin & Greek – you know, a normal Saturday afternoon.

    Well, at one point I looked down and saw a strange little girl.  She wasn’t strange as in odd, just strange as in she was a stranger, she didn’t belong to anyone in our group.  We were looking around to see where she came from and discovered she was with her Grandfather.  Now let me paint this picture a little clearer for you.  This girl was about 4 years old, wearing only underpants, a shirt and no shoes.  It wasn’t scrotching hot and since we weren’t dirt poor coal miners in Apalachia, her attire was a mite disturbing.  However the most disturbing thing was her Grandfathers behaviour.

    This guy refused to keep an eye on her.  He would tell her to stay by him, then proceed to ignore her while she wandered off to join other groups.  She was a quiet child.  I never heard a peep out of her and she was willing to go without protest with any adult willing to hold their hand out.  This was unsettling to say the least.  Petey the Pervert could come along, ask her if she wants to see his puppy and have some candy, lead her to his van, drive off and her Grandfather would be clueless.

    A few of our ladies took her back for the third time and told Granddad he should really keep an eye on her since we are concerned for her safety and don’t want her to get hurt.  Their concern was rewarded with him getting all bitchy and saying that “he didn’t need a lecture.”  Well you know what dude, you do.  You really do!

    I don’t understand adults who refuse to watch their kids, monitor their activity, who they are talking to and what they are doing.  They are your RESPOSIBILITY!  To tell people that their very small child can go wherever she wants since this is a public park is INSANE.  This man didn’t have any mental issues, aside from being an asshat, so I couldn’t blame Alzheimers.  I could not believe that someone who has been on this planet for at least 70 years could be so ignorant.  If you aren’t interested in perverts picking up on your kid, how about injury from being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I know one of our party was hit in the head by a football that some whanker threw to his kid like this was a football statium and not a small park.  Our guy was an adult and has a thick head but that could have hit a small kid and done a lot more damage.

    I don’t understand this mind set.  Do you?

    How Porsche Pants Saved My Peesch – A RIOTous Story

    I now interrupt your regularly scheduled Friday Tech Column to bring you this breaking story.

    First let’s go back in time to Wednesday…..  I was sitting around in my penguin pajama bottoms, trying to write and trying not to feel like a loser when I got a call from one of my recruiters.  She had an assignment for me the next day.  It was seven hours of data entry for a union in downtown Oakland.  It wasn’t long-term, it wasn’t a great deal of money but it was work and it got me off the couch and out of my penguin PJ’s so I took the assignment.

    Thursday dawned way too early.  I needed to take BART into Oakland but the parking lot at El Cerrito Plaza is wee and fills up fast.  My job didn’t start until 9am but I knew the parking lot would be full by 8am so I got there around 6:15am, sat in the car and waited.  I did make one stop into Starbucks for a non-fat, no water, chai tea latte then killed time listening to The Hunt for Red October.

    I arrived at Franklin Street in Oakland a little early, started my temp job, got a sandwich for lunch and everything was a normal day.  My recruiter told me the job “may” go another day but would in all likelihood end that day since I was helping them catch up with a data entry project.  No problem.

    Well, an hour after I got back from lunch my supervisor came into my office and told me “We need to finish everything now.  We are evacuating the building.”  umm what?  It seems the verdict in the Fruitvale shooting is coming in and they are evacuating the building and sending everyone home.  Great.  Not only is my seven hours of work, cut to 5 1/4 hours but the street is now filled with people streaming underground to catch a BART train.

    This could get bad.  I was living in Oakland when the shooting happened with the ensuing riots.  I was also living in Pasadena during Rodney King.  I knew no matter what the verdict was, no matter how much respected people, religious leaders or God himself asked people to behave themselves, looting and idiocy WOULD happen.  On my way to the station I hear one kid on a phone talking about “lighting shit up”.  Great.

    The BART station looks like New Years Eve and 4th of July at the same time.  Solid streams of people head downstairs to catch outbound trains.  The big issue is since this isn’t “Peak time”, the trains are not running with as many cars or as close together.  So instead of trains with 9-10 cars four minutes apart, we are getting trains with 4-5 cars six minutes apart.  The platform has a few police officers on it and I start a quick mental inventory of what I can use for a weapon in my purse.  A quick search turns up assorted lip gloss, a writing notebook, a pen, my receipt from Starbucks, my wallet, my iphone, a purse hanger from Club 33, and a hard peppermint candy.  Great.  I don’t think even MacGyver could make anything out of that.

    The one thing I knew, no one was going to get my iphone so under the concealment of my long coat, I took my phone and stuck it in down my pants and into my knickers.  Now my peesh is protected with bullet proof glass.  Go me!

    The first train pulls up but it’s so packed only 1/4 of the people waiting can squeeze in.  People are starting to panic.  All they want to do is get on a train and get out of Dodge before the verdict is read and all hell breaks loose.  I’m feeling pretty calm since I now have my bulletproof peesch protection and I’m armed with my dreaded peppermint candy super weapon.  I pushed and shoved my way onto the second train.  No, actually there was no pushing involved though I put my loud voice to good use bellowing over the din “Can we please fill in the aisles so we can get more people on the train?”, “Squeeze in everyone, let’s just pretend we’re in Tokyo or Mumbai or…”

    “Boston!” a perky brunette woman chirped up.  “Yes!  Boston!  Who’s been to Boston?” and thus started the Sargent Comedy Hour.  As we rolled out I pitched in with quips like “Make a new friend but don’t get too friendly!” or “I hope no one ate beans for lunch.”  Everyone on the train was great.  We made sure the people who needed to get out were able to squeeze through the throng before packing more people in.  All and all, everyone was orderly, in good spirits and I didn’t have to unleash peppermint destruction on any marauders.

    After calling my Mom to let her know I was OK, because I know she would freak out if she heard this on the news, I went out with friends to a whisky tasting far away from Oakland and the rioting I knew was a foregone conclusion.  This morning, I turned on the TV to see the results of the usual bad elements and thugs.  Yup, stores looted, cars smashed, graffiti sprayed and now in the light of day the near deserted streets just look sad.  Citizens are working to scrub off paint, sweep up glass and shake their heads at the animals who think it’s fun to assault people who had nothing to do with what happened.  Great.  These are the people who should be in a cage with the key thrown away.

    Just to make things all that much better, I saw the place where I had been working not 15 hours ago on the news.  It had been vandalized.  Well at least we’re fine, life goes on and I may even ride BART into The City today.  Though I’m still going to be packin’ some peppermint candy heat!

    Repent! Ignorant, Whack-a-doodle New Puritans Coming To A Witch Burning Near You.

    OK, I was doing some research for my book and stumbled upon a fanatical Christian website that at first I thought was a joke.  Listen, I do NOT put these idiots in the same category of the many sane, peace-loving, law-abiding, tolerant, intelligent Christians that I know.  In fact, I know those people would speak out against these morons who have hijacked their faith and are turning it into a demented joke.

    I was just surfing Google, looking for the date that Twilight was released in movie theatres so I could refine another “why this movie is stupid and lame” review when I came across this doozy.  The article had this amazing title that drew me in.  Thus I present it to you in it’s entirety from the pen (or crayon) of “Abe” – (NOTE: all misspellings and bad grammar are his)

    Twilight Vampire Children of the Corn Terrorize Utah Farms with Crop Circles

    Satan’s abducted children commited more tomfoolery last night, this time by making crop circles to celebrate their love for the latest movie in the Twilight series, New Moon.

    As you know, the ‘new moon’ is heavily used in cult of Wiccans. Wiccans are new-age witches who celebrate Obama and abortion parties by dancing unclothed under the moon and hoping things like demented werewolves, disease upon nations and other devilish things like universal death panels will come to fruition after their bizarre ceremonies.

    How sad is it to know that Twilight is now turning all children who see it into Wiccans?

    Picture Evidence

    ChristWire Digital Media – Aerial photos show that two separate “Twilight”-themed maze patterns have already been cut into the corn — a “Team Jacob” and a “Team Edward.” (In the movie, Bella can choose Edward or Jacob as her boyfriend.) [wait, is this a choose-your-own-adventure story now? -ed.]

    Late last night, sleeping Utah children whose parents let them read all the Twilight books and watch the movies were had Satan enter the rooms and then whisper into their ears. Letting your children read books about vampires welcomes Satan into your home, it gives him the keys to your children’s hearts and bodies.

    Tiptoeing over their bed, Satan opened his lips and said something sinister like, “Arise, young fornicated Twilight heathens, and go do my bidding in the local farmyards.”

    I am sick and appalled that there are parents out there who let Satan do such things to their kids. Unable to fight off his words because their spiritual person was weakened by all the premarital fornication and blood death in the Twilight movies, these children had no choice but to let Satan enter their bodies and lead them out to these cornfields. We can all see the result of what he wanted them to do; make Twilight vampire wolf crop circles to celebrate this sadistic film by Mr. JK Rowling.

    Dear friends, how many more times are we going to let Twilight lure our children to sin cults and death? Satan is the pied piper of souls, and his favorite instrument is your local movie theater. There he will play Twilight New Moon to all comers, and anyone who hears what this film has to offer may be hypnotized to particpate with bizarre Wiccan rituals and then eventually burn with the Soviets and gays in the lowest pits of hell for all time.

    Let’s keep our children safe and proud. You must fear how much evil Twilight will bring into the life of your kids. Imagine the guilt in your heart if you find your kid covered with vampire bite marks or blight, his or her poor body eternally damned to think it was a real life vampire. Only hell would await them and it would be all your fault.

    Oh dear parents, hear my pleas. You must save our children and ban this filth from their lives. Their young teenage minds cannot comprehend the, cosmic forces at work behind this crazy, sinister film and book series.

    Love your children by forbidding them from seeing Twilight and burn any books that they have bought! They will thank you for your actions, for an eternity. Do it now, and make your heart proud. Burn it. Burn Twilight!


    How’s THAT for whack-a-doodle article of the week?!  Personally, speaking as a Wiccan, I’m not sure I would really want to hang with Twilighters at my Sabbats but that’s just me.  I guess they could come as long as they didn’t talk about Edward or Jacob all the time or wear shirts with their faces on them.  I will say that while I certainly celebrate Obama and have been known to dance naked under the moon I have never had an abortion party.  Does a Tupperware party count because I’ve had one of those.

    Now I am very interested in exactly what Satan wants these Twilight heathens to do in the farm yards because I have a feeling certain folk have been doing that in Kentucky or Scotland or in some bayou somewhere for a lot longer than Twilight has been out.

    I would also like to point out to Abe, that JK Rowlings (Joanne) is a WOMAN and she wrote Harry Potter (which I’m sure you also hate) and not Twilight.  Harry Potter is also better written than Twilight since JK actually has a keen sense of plot and storytelling.

    I’m so thrilled that as a Wiccan I will be cast into hell fire with the gays and the Soviets, especially since the USSR ceased to exist nearly 20 years ago.  Fabulous gay men and ballet dancers?  I’ll take that afterlife, no problem!  Actually it amazes me that this mental midget attributes so much power to a 3rd rate writer and so easily falls back on the old standard of book burning to dispel Satan from your children’s lives.  I think it would be really funny if only these people weren’t actually serious and out there, walking amongst us like .. the undead, masquerading as human beings.

    THAT’S IT!!!  THAT is Satan’s Plan!  He plants these undead, day walking vampires to go out and spout hatred against douchy vampire novels and earth religions and homosexuals and people who like to eat sushi and go to dance parties and have great sex.  They are the real aliens we should all be ever vigilant about.  I would never advocate burning their misspelled books or tying THEM to a stick and setting them on fire but I would be on the watch for them in your daily life.  Good people, smack down this kind of ignorance where ever you find it, especially if they are calling themselves Christians.  They aren’t Christians.  They espouse hatred and intolerance and that’s not what Jesus is about.  I know, I just asked him.  He told me to turn the other cheek and feel sorry for these lost souls.  I suppose I can pity them but no reason I can’t get a laugh out of their antics at the same time.