Vagisil vs. Springtime Clean = Why?
For todays Friday Tech Column, I thought I would talk about eCommerce and bookstores and red pumps but then a commercial for Vagisil came on and everything went to hell in a handbasket. According to the commercial, this woman just can’t “wash away the odor with regular soap and water, it keeps coming back.” Really?
Let me get this straight. We can’t show condom ads in prime time or commercials for jock itch but douches and feminine wipes are fine.
In our Puritanical world, sex is bad and dirty unless you are a GOP congressman getting a reach around in an airport bathroom because you are so far in the closet you’ve found Narnia. Sex is bad when you are trying to educate people about birth control or diseases but perfectly fine if it’s a near naked women squirming all over the hood of a car.
Men’s issues like jock itch are not fodder for prime time TV commercials but we can tell women they are dirty, they smell bad, they are just “wrong” and need a chemical solution to make them “fresh” like a pine forest.
Don’t believe me? This is straight off the Vagasil website next to their feminine wash. (BTW my comments are the ones in brackets, if you couldn’t tell already by the snark.)
No one understands a woman’s body quite like the makers of Vagisil. (You silly girl, you can’t be expected to understand your own body!)
In many cases, there’s no need to see a doctor or live with embarrassment. (Embarrassment from what? Personally I would be embarrassed to step foot outside with a miasma of “truck stop pine deodorant” floating around my va jay jay like a dark cloud.) Instead, these feminine products give women the confidence they need to look and feel their best. (I don’t need vagina chemicals to give me confidence, I have a brain.)
Since women’s yeast infection symptoms cannot always be kept at home,Vagisil offers their Medicated Anti-Itch Wipes that are perfect for on-the-go. (Gee and I thought the epitome of on-the-go was the new micro ground ice coffee from Starbucks!)
They come wrapped in individual packets so you can stick a couple in your purse or car for when you need them the most. (ummm WHY aren’t you going to a doctor if you’re sooo itchy you have to stash wipes all over Hell and gone.)
Understanding a woman’s body, Vagisil also offers a selection of products that are used for maintenance, keeping the down-there area feeling fresh and clean at all times. (Down-there area? Really? Can’t you just say Vagina? Let’s all say it together – Vagina! Vagina! Vagina! Don’t you feel better now? I feel all fresh and clean myself.)
If you are unsure if you’re suffering from a yeast infection, the company offers a testing kit that screens for vaginal infections. Therefore, if you come up with a positive result, you will know the symptoms to treat. This is part of the vision of this company; to educate women on vaginal irritation and infection, treating the symptoms in a safe manner.
(Ah, wait a minute… are you a DOCTOR? So you expect women to self-diagnose a yeast infection with your stupid kit and then use your product? What if they’re wrong? Are you going to pick up the bill if it turns into something worse because women were basically told they didn’t need to see a professional? I’m thinking no. I think if something worse did happen you would point to the very small print on the box that said “Haha, just kidding. You should check with a medical professional before putting anything up your hoo hoo. We aren’t responsible if you fell for the whole “you are stupid and dirty” schtick.”
Fortunately, all of Vagisil’s products can be purchased online, without having to go to the store or risk the chance of seeing that cute boy next door. (So God forbid the “cute boy next door” sees you buying peesh deodorant. Who does this happen to? I mean really! If you are that insecure, bury the feminine wipes box in a pile of chewing gum, magazines and potato chips like an insecure teen buying condoms. On the other hand, you don’t NEED feminine wipes! There is nothing wrong with you that showering doesn’t fix. If you reek, you need to see a real doctor because something is wrong and then you can get your yeast cream from the pharmacist like a normal person. You don’t have insurance? No problem! You can go to a clinic and then the doctor can tell you which over the counter item to get IF that’s the problem.)
Do we really need more reasons to feel bad and doubt ourselves ladies? Why put money into the coffers of chemical companies unless you need the product for a genuine medical reason? Why all the vagina hate ladies? I thought we got over all that when “The Vagina monologues” came out. Let’s promise each other that we will love our vaginas, not treat them like second class citizens and we won’t roll around in soapy water, eating a hamburger on the hood of a car. Not unless a hot fireman does it first.