Squirrels In The News: The Beginning Of The End
Squirrels are evil little troublemakers in fur suits. They pretend to be nice and sweet while staring you down with their beady, black soulless eyes. In an effort to jump-start your Monday morning, I give you this Public Service Announcement about the danger posed by associating with squirrels.
(Here we see how squirrels have been used in espionage. While I have no problem doing whatever it takes to make life unpleasant for that insane Iranian government, I doubt the efficacy of having rodents do your spying for you.)
Iranians Arrest 14 Squirrels For Spying
Iranian intelligence operatives recently detained over a dozen squirrels found within the nation’s borders, claiming the rodents were serving as spies for Western powers determined to undermine the Islamic Republic.
“In recent weeks, intelligence operatives have arrested 14 squirrels within Iran’s borders,” state-sponsored news agency IRNA reported. “The squirrels were carrying spy gear of foreign agencies, and were stopped before they could act, thanks to the alertness of our intelligence services.”
Iranian police commander Esmaeil Ahmadi-Moqadam confirmed the report, saying that a number of squirrels had been caught bearing foreign spy gear within Iran’s borders.
“I heard of this but I have no specific knowledge on the subject,” he said. He refused to give further details.
Recently, Iran has increased its efforts in combating espionage by the West. The use of rodents has not been documented in the past.
(We have heard stories in the news of tragic shootings. The fact that a squirrels mere presence had such an effect on this family should give people pause about the rational behind keeping them as pets.)
Squirrel Cause of Mother Shooting Daughter
Oceana County, Michigan – A heated mother-daughter argument over a pet squirrel escalated when the mother fired a 20-gauge shotgun in the daughter’s direction, police said.
The conflict apparently started just before 3 p.m. Tuesday when the mother, a 57-year-old Greenwood Township woman, released the 33-year-old daughter’s pet squirrel into the wild, said Oceana County Sheriff’s Lt. Craig Mast.
The shooting incident occurred on private property where the women were camping for the summer with several animals near the intersection of Wilke Road and 200th Avenue, Mast said.
The daughter apparently had the squirrel as a pet for five years, Mast said, and did not want her mother to set it free.
When the argument between the two women began, police said the daughter walked away for a while, and then returned, at which point the argument started again.
That’s when the mother picked up her weapon, Mast said.
“The mother had a 20-gauge shotgun and fired it in the direction of her daughter,”
Mast said. “She was not hit.”
Mast said sheriff’s deputies were dispatched to the area after someone called 911 about shots fired.”
As of late Wednesday, a warrant for the mother’s arrest had not yet been signed, but Mast said she likely will be charged with felonious assault.
(We’ve heard of squirrels starting electrical fires before but this time they endangered innocent children. Isn’t it time we took steps to curtail their dangerous behavior?)
Flaming Squirrel To Blame In Flaming Blaze
JONES, OK – A squirrel caught fire, sparking a blaze Wednesday morning that resulted in the evacuation of an elementary school in Jones, fire officials said.
(This last example of squirrel mayhem comes from across the pond in England where grey squirrels are running riot, pushing out the native red squirrel of Squirrel Nutkin fame.)
Squirrel Banned From Riding Rollercoaster
Alton Towers theme park has been forced to ban a daredevil squirrel from one of its rides as its antics pose a health and safety risk.
The rodent was said to be causing headaches for operators at Alton Towers by getting in the way of improvement work on an attraction at the resort.
The grey-haired animal was also caught stealing food from the workers.
A spokesman for the Staffordshire theme park said: ”It was getting in the way of builders who were painting. They couldn’t carry on because they would end up with paw prints in the paint. And we can’t have anything on the track when the roller coaster is going round.”
Alarms were installed that emit a warning noise inaudible to human ears but designed to ensure the squirrel, nicknamed Sonic, avoids the ride in future.
Morwenna Angove, sales and marketing director at the Alton Towers resort, said:
”Unfortunately Sonic’s behavior is a danger both to our guests and himself and so we’re doing all we can to ensure that he stays away from the ride.
”Banning a squirrel from a roller coaster is certainly unusual but I suppose there’s a first time for everything.”
(Let this be a lesson to all of you. The danger from the rodent population is out there. Be alert and stay safe. Happy Monday!)