When Boy Parts Attack!

Today for Whack-A-Doodle Wednesday I was all set to do a blog on killer coffee but then I started thinking about Man’s Best Friend.  No, not his dog, his Johnson, his John Thomas, his Will To Live.  Yes, the nick names are endless on the World Wide Web.  Pecker, prick, member, junk, sausage, pole, shaft, rod, wang, schlong, and the oddly named bacon plank though I kind of like that one.  Yes, I am speaking of course about the penis.  Let’s just say cock because penis sounds so clinical and wee.  Cock sounds large, loud, trumpeting and obnoxious, just like it’s rooster namesake.

Why the male member talk this early in the morning?  Why not?  Isn’t it the first thing to get up?  I have no idea since I don’t have one myself and frankly I find it a bit freaky.  Picture this, there you are asleep in the early morning hours and all of a sudden, of its own volition, one of your body parts sits up and starts roaming around.  At least it would if it wasn’t attached to your body.  That is strange and kind of weird.  Now maybe if science could create detachable members, your Roger could do something useful like get up and make coffee instead of creating havoc and mayhem. It’s amazing how the little meat puppet can get into so much trouble.

Men seem to put all the blame on their Willie for bad choices in life. They blame their best friend for everything from getting into fights, making bad decisions at work to coming home with Quasimodo after a long night at the pub.I’m starting to think either those men aren’t very bright or something sinister is going on that the government should look into.  Are penises really jumping ship and running off in the middle of the night to create wanton acts of destruction?  Was a skin flute really to blame for the oil spill in the Gulf?  Can they be trained to pick up dirty socks and underwear before walking the dog?  I really want to know.

You think I am blowing this out of proportion?  Hardly.  Just try to search for a male chicken on the internet and see what comes up, so to speak.  It has nothing to do with poultry.  Famous wiener expert Mark Wahlberg would slap people in the face with his 13 inch schlong.  Don’t worry, it’s not a real one.  Hell, that only happens in the movies.  I hope.  Anyway, Wahlberg starred in Boogie Nights, an excellent movie about the porn industry in the 1970’s.  At the end of the film, you got to see his monster whang but it wasn’t real.  Marky Mark may be a lot of things but having an oversized ruler in his pants is not one of them.  It’s latex and he kept it in his drawer after the movie, slapping people with it for fun.  Wow.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  As a woman, I feel it’s very Animal House/frat boy/grade school on one hand and really creepy on another.  I would be willing to bet if I pulled out a huge latex vulva and whacked some guy in the face with it, he’d cry.  Hmmmmm…..

Then of course there is the whole running issue.  What am I talking about?  I’m talking about the hanging cock and balls combo.  That kind of sounds like a pub!  Come into the Cock & Balls for a pint!  Nevermind, anyway… here is my question.  With the rod and tackle swinging free, how do men run?  Don’t they catch their wee willie winkle with their thigh?  It seems awfully ackward to me but I don’t have to deal with dangly bits so I’m just a mite confused.

I was fully intending on writing about this strange guy I saw in Starbucks but this is what happened.  I couldn’t help myself.  Perhaps it is part of an evil plan?  Long range mind control from space?  Who am I kidding?  I just thought it would be fun.  Besides I found this EXCELLENT commercial that all men should watch if you’re interested in hygiene and Jaime Pressly.

or the antics of the World Famous Poxy Boggards.

Animals Gone Wild

We all love our pets but I must admit I love reading stories when the animal gets the last laugh, so to speak.  Take this bear story from New Hampshire:

A black bear walked into a New Hampshire house through an open door, ate two pears and a bunch of grapes, took a drink from the family fishbowl and grabbed a stuffed bear on its way out the door. Mary Beth Parkinson said the bear apparently took advantage of the open outside door to get into her kitchen Tuesday in Laconia, about 20 miles north of Concord. She thinks the garage door going up scared the bear enough that it fled the house.

She said she arrived in time to save the fish.

(I think it’s cute that he drank from the fishbowl and grabbed himself a teddy for night night time on his way out.  It’s so surreal, like Goldilocks in reverse.  I love this!  I hope the bear is off in the woods somewhere, with his teddy and a bowl of porridge.)

Now this one is a bit of a mystery…

Fish Found In Boys Penis

A 2cm long fish apparently found it’s way into the penis of a 14-year-old boy from India in a bizarre medical case.

The patient was admitted to hospital with complaints of pain, dribbling urine and acute urinary retention spanning a 24-hour period. According to the boy, the fish slipped into his penis while he was cleaning his aquarium at home.

Professor Vezhaventhan and Professor Jeyaraman, who treated the boy and later wrote a paper on the case, explained: “While he was cleaning the fish tank in his house, he was holding a fish in his hand and went to the toilet for passing urine. When he was passing urine, the fish slipped from his hand and entered his urethra and then he developed all these symptoms.”

After detecting the fish in the boy’s bladder, Vezhaventhan and Jeyaraman used a technique known as cystourethroscopy to insert a special set of forceps down the patient’s penis. Unfortunately, the fish was just too slippery to grip, so they resorted to using a rigid ureteroscope with a tool attached that is normally used for removing bladder stones.

The fish the urologists removed, which Practical Fishkeeping believes to be a small member of the Betta genus, measured 2cm long and 1.5cm wide.

He was later admitted into counseling to help him overcome any trauma.

(OK, let’s break this down.  The fish was 3/4″ long and a little over 1/2″ inch wide.  That’s a pretty good size for a small fish.  Go get a ruler, I’ll wait.  That fish is near as wide as it is long.  I think I would NOTICE if a fish was swimming up my penis, if I had one.

Now the “official story” wants us to believe the boy was cleaning the fish bowl, had the fish in his hands, then had to pee so I guess he had to hold his wanker and the fish – whoosh – the fish swam right in.  Ummmm, yeah..  This kid in India must think everyone’s really stupid.  Has anyone out there ever cleaned a fish tank before?  I know I have.  You scoop the fish out and put it in a seperate bowl of water while you dump the old water, clean all the bits, put new water in and re-introduce the fish.  You don’t carry the fish around in your hands.  It’s slimy, flops around and tries to get into some water so it can breathe.  You certainly don’t take it to the loo so you can have a pee first.

We all know what happened.  It falls into the category of “How did that happen?” or “Weird sexual things I tried that didn’t work out so I had to make up an idiot story.”.  The patient in question, lets call him “Timin” which is means Large Fish in Hindi, decided since he didn’t have a hamster, he’d stick a small fish up the ganges instead.  Then the fish got stuck.  He figured it would wiggle back out, it didn’t, he panicked and had to go to the hospital.  Now everyone knows, you need some kind of strange story to explain why you have a Betta (which is a pretty mean fish) up your cock-a-doodle-do.

Timin, who are you kidding?!  Just tell them what you did!  Honestly, it’s better that way.  I know you’re only 14 but you’ll learn.  Better yet, make sure the next time you get a wild hair like this, you get to an adult store to find yourself a safer toy.)

The Mysterious Case of King Tut’s Missing Penis

You heard me right, King Tut’s pyramid is missing.  Yuppers, this is a HUGE deal in Egypt currently.  Don’t believe me?  Think I’m making this up?  http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/2010/06/29/2010-06-29_rumors_swirling_that_someone_might_have_swiped_king_tuts_penis_because_of_its_ti.html

So it appears that someone took Tut’s tally whacker in order to (a) shield him from tiny pee pee teasing in the afterlife, (b) because living people with small penises didn’t want people to mock Tut for his small penis and took it, (c) some freak on Hawas’ staff took the penis, thinking no one would notice as some freaky keepsake or (d) it’s still there but so small they aren’t seeing it.

I find this story fascinating on so many levels.  Let’s look at this logically.  During mummification, the process removes excess moisture from the corpse so the flesh becomes desiccated.  As the penis has no bone, I would think a penis after mummification would significantly shrink in size.  Also since Tut was 15 when he died, perhaps he wasn’t through growing yet and if he had lived would have gotten a bigger penis.  I have not seen any valid studies in Egyptology that indicated penis size was something to be concerned about in the after life.  If penis size was important, especially for pharaohs, you would think some writings would be found or some spells in the Book of the Dead but nothing.

I do know that when the God Set ripped his brother Osiris into many pieces, the only piece not found by Isis was his penis as it was eaten by a croc so she made him a new one.  Since she is a Goddess and could just create a new penis from scratch I’m sure it was a great penis, a perfect, spectacular penis but no other penis references were made regarding pharaohs and the afterlife to my knowledge.

It does seem likely it was taken in modern times, as we know Tut’s body was not disturbed by grave robbers until modern day grave robber Howard Carter found him.  It seems unlikely he would have broken off Tuts dingle dangle and made an earring or a paper weight out of it.  We know he unwrapped the body (Hey, it was a Victorian parlor game back them) but no account exists that says he played “hide the salami” – literally – with Tut’s weiner.

This leads me to believe someone in the past 40 years or so, took it either as a souvenir or because they felt bad for Tut and his Little Willy.  They felt they were protecting him from ridicule.  But ridicule from whom?  If it was people in the afterlife, wouldn’t they mock him more for having no penis rather than a small penis?  If it was now, would people really care that a dead corpse thousands of years old and dried up like beef jerky has a vienna sausage dick?  You know, I’ve seen the Tut exhibit twice (including the original one with the death mask), have studied the myths of Egypt, read numerous books, viewed numerous documentaries and never once did I think about Tut’s junk.  Hard to believe , I know but not once did it come up in my mind to even contemplate the existence of his mummified bits let alone how big they may or may not have been.

Is this just another example of some men overlaying their own sense of insecurity on others?  Perhaps it is just women having a laugh since the NY and the Times article were both written by women?  Maybe this is a government conspiracy to distract you from alien mind control using robot goats!

No matter which way you look at it, this is a strange time we live in.  To quote Kaiser from one of the comment sections on the articles website, “I took it OK. I use it to stir my martinis.”