The Mysterious Case of King Tut’s Missing Penis

You heard me right, King Tut’s pyramid is missing.  Yuppers, this is a HUGE deal in Egypt currently.  Don’t believe me?  Think I’m making this up?

So it appears that someone took Tut’s tally whacker in order to (a) shield him from tiny pee pee teasing in the afterlife, (b) because living people with small penises didn’t want people to mock Tut for his small penis and took it, (c) some freak on Hawas’ staff took the penis, thinking no one would notice as some freaky keepsake or (d) it’s still there but so small they aren’t seeing it.

I find this story fascinating on so many levels.  Let’s look at this logically.  During mummification, the process removes excess moisture from the corpse so the flesh becomes desiccated.  As the penis has no bone, I would think a penis after mummification would significantly shrink in size.  Also since Tut was 15 when he died, perhaps he wasn’t through growing yet and if he had lived would have gotten a bigger penis.  I have not seen any valid studies in Egyptology that indicated penis size was something to be concerned about in the after life.  If penis size was important, especially for pharaohs, you would think some writings would be found or some spells in the Book of the Dead but nothing.

I do know that when the God Set ripped his brother Osiris into many pieces, the only piece not found by Isis was his penis as it was eaten by a croc so she made him a new one.  Since she is a Goddess and could just create a new penis from scratch I’m sure it was a great penis, a perfect, spectacular penis but no other penis references were made regarding pharaohs and the afterlife to my knowledge.

It does seem likely it was taken in modern times, as we know Tut’s body was not disturbed by grave robbers until modern day grave robber Howard Carter found him.  It seems unlikely he would have broken off Tuts dingle dangle and made an earring or a paper weight out of it.  We know he unwrapped the body (Hey, it was a Victorian parlor game back them) but no account exists that says he played “hide the salami” – literally – with Tut’s weiner.

This leads me to believe someone in the past 40 years or so, took it either as a souvenir or because they felt bad for Tut and his Little Willy.  They felt they were protecting him from ridicule.  But ridicule from whom?  If it was people in the afterlife, wouldn’t they mock him more for having no penis rather than a small penis?  If it was now, would people really care that a dead corpse thousands of years old and dried up like beef jerky has a vienna sausage dick?  You know, I’ve seen the Tut exhibit twice (including the original one with the death mask), have studied the myths of Egypt, read numerous books, viewed numerous documentaries and never once did I think about Tut’s junk.  Hard to believe , I know but not once did it come up in my mind to even contemplate the existence of his mummified bits let alone how big they may or may not have been.

Is this just another example of some men overlaying their own sense of insecurity on others?  Perhaps it is just women having a laugh since the NY and the Times article were both written by women?  Maybe this is a government conspiracy to distract you from alien mind control using robot goats!

No matter which way you look at it, this is a strange time we live in.  To quote Kaiser from one of the comment sections on the articles website, “I took it OK. I use it to stir my martinis.”

Posted on July 2, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Now… I think I saw a documentary recently in which Tut was ct scanned, etc and they did clear up the penis mystery. It’s there, but very, very shriveled. Because, as you point out, no bones. Just fat and skin.

    No offense guys.

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