Today for the Monday Morning Funny – A Letter from the Easter Bunny
Dear Hyperactive, Demanding Children of North America,
I’m done. I know, I say this every year but this whole job is starting to eat my soul. Every year I take eggs that kids have dyed and hide them. Why am I hiding eggs? Someone decided since eggs are a fertility symbol and bunnies… well, do it like bunnies, that they are a marriage made in heaven. Have you any idea how stressful this job is?
Bunnies spend their whole lives in a state of panicked paranoia, just waiting for some predator to scoop them up and eat them. Now you have us hiding eggs all over a wide expanse of lawn, making us sitting ducks for hawks, falcons and Leroy with his Red Ryder BB gun.
Now in our modern, uber-hippie society, you have decided plastic, non-recyclable eggs are better since you can stuff them with more candy and hide those instead of edible, biodegradable eggs. That brings me to another pet peeve of mine – the candy! How much candy do you kids really need to eat? Instead of some healthy hard-boiled eggs, some carrot sticks and one… ONE chocolate rabbit or easter egg, kids now want bags and bags of candy. Marshmallow eggs, caramel eggs, divinity eggs, those PEEP abominations, wee solid chocolate eggs, chocolate rabbits, bags of M&M’s and Skittles and sweet tarts and sour worms… the list goes on.
I should also mention that now kids want toys as well! I’m NOT Santa Claus. I don’t have a North Pole sweat shop cranking out cheaply made toys your kids will break and forget about within the hour. I’m a one rabbit operation here and I must say I resent the toy angle almost as much as the sugar overload. Can’t your kids get by in life without one frackin holiday that does not celebrate an orgy of consumerism and poor dietary choices?
I’m tired of being kicked by obnoxious mini-monsters at the mall. I’m sick of having my ears pulled, my tail yanked or being piddled on. Just because you are higher on the food chain doesn’t give you the right to be a bully. After this past season, one thing has become clear to me. Vodka is my friend. Especially when it comes from Hanger One in Alameda.
Have fun suckers! I’m off to a desert isle to relax and do what bunnies do best – drink! You won’t have Peter Rabbit to push around anymore! So long suckers! Have fun with your new Easter God, Marvin the Macaque Monkey. I’m sure you will have a lot of fun. But a word of warning for you kids that like to bite or kick, those aren’t chocolate eggs he’s throwing back at you. Just sayin’.