Who The Hell Is Justin Beaver & Is He Better Than Sparkly Edward?

I was sitting around the house the other day, because that’s what you do when you don’t have a job.  I was lamenting the dumbing down of America, the rise of Twilight mania and how a woman who can’t write has pussified vampires in modern culture.  Her hero Edward is white and sparkles and is perfect and he’s white and he sparkles and did I mention he’s PERFECT and WHITE?  *sigh*  Can someone PLEASE give this kid a comb as well?  It’s bad enough being a douchy vamp but a messy one?  tsk tsk…

As I was ruminating on the decline of the written word, I saw a blurb in a local on-line paper about some kid named Justin.  I could have sworn his name was Justin Beaver.  My housemate set me right.  His name is Justin Bieber and he is the newest heir to the Backstreet Boys, Hansens, Jonas Brothers teen scream crown.  I’m clueless.  I can’t even think of any young singers I would scream over.

Well it seems this newspaper had an article over who was dreamier or more screamtastic, Justin or Edward?  Really?  REALLY?!  This reporter was actually paid MONEY to write this while I am shopping around for government cheese?  Who is Justin Beaver?  I found a picture.  Check this out:

Yeah, I’m feeling the need to scream right now but not in the way you might think unless it’s to scream in horror at his most unfortunate hair cut.  I honestly could care less whether Mr. Beaver or Douchy Vampire Edward are the pinnacle of the Top 5 heart throbs of all time.  They’re a waste of newsprint.  Then it hit me, I know where I have seen this kid before!  It was so very long ago……

He HAS to be the love child of DONNY OSMOND!!!  Really!  Look at the pictures!  It’s so obvious!  Everything is clear now!  Teen Throbs of Times Past have unleashed their secret love spawn on the world.  Through them they will control the minds and bank accounts of millions of screaming teens and their emotionally stunted mothers.  It’s a second chance at a dead career.  It’s brilliant in a 70’s TV evil mastermind sort of way.  Still don’t believe me?  Take a look at this picture of the Jonas Brothers and tell me that Ricky Martin DNA isn’t in there some where?

Yes, weep America and despair!  Economic downturn is no longer the worst of our problems.  This is.  Really.  If you want me, I’ll be in the corner of my closet, hiding from the coming apocalypse of bad singing, worse writing and too much hair product.

Posted on July 5, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Thank you for a long, hearty laugh this dread Monday morn–you’re right–Justin does bear an ungodly resemblance to Donny. {{shudder}} And “pussified vampires” just made it to the top of my favorite phrases list!

    • I’m glad you liked it. If I see one more “Team Edward” or “Team Jacob” commercial, bumper sticker, fast food ad, bookmark, t-shirt or breakfast cereal, I’m going to get all Buffy on someone’s ass.

  2. Auntie Dre,

    Mom-Monkey sez u ned to watch ‘dis:

    http://www.toplessrobot.com/2009/06/and_then_buffy_staked_edward_the_end.php

    She sez “Watch Buffy go ginsu on the sparkle-pire!!!” Whateber dat menz…

    ~Tonks

    • That is the most amazing clip EVER! Thanks for posting that Tonks! You are working those kittah thumbs so well.

      • I’z lukeh I can typez todae. Mom-monkey gives me what she kalz a “pedi-crue” diz weekend. She needz to NOT have tree day weekendz becuz she brushez me and commitz odder formz of kitteh-cruelty (like de “harness” she calz it – I say is death grip).

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