Well I have written many blogs on this soul sucking holiday and could think of no reason to write another one except for therapy. Today I am as bitter as day old coffee with a teaspoon of valerian added. Yea, all you hearts and flowers people can bite me. What would make my day bright and happy? A Welch Corgi puppy! Since I can’t have one, I am back to bitter being the new black.
Let’s see, I have already covered:
Valentines Day is a racket instituted by the greeting card companies, florists, naughty underwear purveyors and candy makers to drain your pocket book and saddle you with guilt.
Valentine’s Day breeds desperation. I see too many women more than willing to cut down fellow women’s fragile self-esteem by rubbing their rich husband, lobster dinners and La Perla panties in their faces. OK, that sounds kinda kinky and messy but you know what I mean.
Valentine’s Day guarantees you will be unable to eat out unless (a) you have a reservation and (b) you have arm candy. In fact Pasta Pomodoro has instituted a special couples menu with items that are not available on the menu for single diners. Of course, these offerings look uber good just taunt you. I mean who doesn’t want crab spaghetti?
Valentine’s Day teaches little girls to be mean. Fine, meaner than we already are. I know when I went to school, it was a rule that you HAD to give each and every kid in class a Valentine. I know this was to keep the unpopular kids from feeling the trauma of having no Valentines at all. However this just made us line up all the Valentines from the box and play the popularity game all over again. You decide which cute Valentine to give the cute boys, your best friends, girls you liked and which dorky Valentines to give “those kids”. This meant the lamest Valentines went to the dorky, unpopular kids. Thus teaching kids, especially girls, that this behavior is not only OK but encouraged by the school. What about the boys you ask? Let’s face it, little boys – just like Honey Badger – don’t give a shit. I would be willing to bet they would skip the whole thing if they weren’t forced to do it, usually by a female teacher.
I say we eliminate the whole damn thing along with Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and Grandparent’s Day and Secretary’s Day and Bosses Day and any other day that is a racket designed to get you to buy cards, candy, flowers and naughty panties. OK, maybe not so much for the Grandparents/Boss/Secretary’s day and the panty gifts, at least not after the new laws but you get my meaning. I don’t need a special day to tell my parents that I love them and to do something nice for them. If I had a husband, I wouldn’t need a day to wring guilt and lobster dinners out of him so I could feel superior and special. Personally I think that is mean, manipulative bullshit. If you are lucky enough to have someone special in your life, you should be doing little things all the time and not just on one day.
Personally if you have to have a day for appreciation, may I suggest Steak and a BJ Day on March 14th. It’s the gift that keeps on giving!