Did You Know Hawaii Is A State?
It’s easy to forget. I mean they are in line with Mexico rather than the Mainland, they are half-way to Japan, they have tropical beaches and views you will never find in Norwalk, they eat a purple paste made out of a huge root, they think Spam is the equivalent of sliced bread, they have more hot men than you can shake a stick at, they have their own lingo, and their drivers licenses are more colorful than some foreign currency I’ve seen.
Let’s face it, there is no State on the Mainland that has the beauty, weather, tropical beaches and drinks that Hawaii does. Not even the jewel of beaches, Newport, can compare. Sure, the beaches of Newport are deeper but the water isn’t warm and crystal blue, the sand doesn’t feel like sugar and the people aren’t as nice.
There are times you forget you in still in the United States. One of the differences is the speed limit. It’s SLOW! I guess if you live in Jurassic Park but don’t need to run from a T-Rex, you just aren’t in a hurry to get anywhere. Top speed on the freeway is 55. Speed on the highway is 45 for the top speed, 40 for the slow lane. Our 40 MPH zones are 30 there. Just take the California norm and chop 10 MPH off of it and you have Hawaii. Traffic is only really an issue in the main cities so the pokey speed in the middle of nowhere is a foregn concept for Mainlanders especially those of us from California who are psychotic speed demons.
I found people happy, helpful and upbeat. So different from the brain-dead people I left behind in the Oakland airport. You see, I flew out of Oakland on Hawaiian Airlines. I checked in on-line, had my boarding pass, paid for my bag and thought all I would have to do would be to drop my bag at TSA and skip over to the security line. LOLOLOLOLOLOL! Whew. No. I had to go through the line at the counter anyway, under a HUGE sign that said “WITH BOARDING PASS”. Fine. No problem. I have a boarding pass. Another sign proclaimed if you didn’t have a boarding pass, you needed to check in at the kiosk. Well, I was held up for 2 minutes because three parties ahead of me couldn’t read.
“Oh, no, we don’t have boarding passes. Yeah, we heard you say this line was for people with boarding passes but we figured you didn’t mean us.” Really? If that wasn’t bad enough there was the smell that Terminal One seems to have acquired. I tried not to think about it since I was on my way to Hawaii but it reminded me of Wal-Mart. Yeah, that mixture of polyester and despair.
Once we boarded the plane, I figured all my problems were over. Well, the DVD player I paid $15 for had none of the movies listed on the Hawaiian Airlines website. So after settling on the best of the lame, I was tossed my free breakfast. This was so gross I wouldn’t feed it to my dog. In fact, I don’t even think a dog would eat it. I think it was eggs. It was hard to tell. They “egg” portion was hard, rubbery and cut into strips. Mixed into this was slices of bologna. Oh and there was a pre-packaged chocolate chip muffin that I didn’t eat. I was told I could have a chicken Caeser salad for an additional $10. No thanks. I’m sure the people in First Class were having a lovely Eggs Benedict with tiki drinks and first run films, while back in steerage we had to deal with gruel.
Five and a half hours later I see a large green mass rising out of the ocean. Sparkling waters, white beaches, palm trees, warm air. You know, suddenly my crappy eggs or stupid line people didn’t matter so much anymore.
Next time: Stinging Centipedes and Killer Toy Dogs From Hell