For Imbolc: A Good Attitude Towards Menstruation
The Kids in the Hall have it but I sure don’t. When I was younger I was in such pain I would have to take codeine and still might spend the day hurling. Yeah. Having sex? Are you kidding me?! That is like some kind of horror movie with me as the giant praying mantis lady that bites the heads off potential mates. I figure, just leave the pills and the chocolate by the door, turn around and leave. It’s your best bet to avoid serious injury.
Now? I think my body has forgotten what all of that is like but it still makes a half ass attempt. In my head, this is how my internal organs talk to each other once a month:
“Dude! It’s that time. Send an egg down!”
“Eggs? What eggs?”
“Hey! Look in the cupboard, behind the Red Vines! Any eggs back there?”
” A few. They’re kinda funny looking.”
“Just kick one down!”
“Are you sure?”
“No one is going to notice. Just do it.”
Why the weird “lady time” talk? I was looking for a job on Craig’s List and realized if I was a guy, I could spank off twice a week and get paid for it. Yeah. Paid cash money for looking at bad skin mags in a bathroom, which is what most guys do anyway for free. Do I get paid for porn peeping? Nope. Why? Because if you weren’t asleep in Biology class, you would know that harvesting eggs is a more involved process than looking at pictures of Danica Patrick. It involves needles and pseudo surgery and you have to be young and healthy. I have the healthy genes thing down but my eggs are stale thus worthless.
Considering I never wanted to push anything the size of a watermelon out of my whoo nanny, I think I got the best part of the deal overall. I just wish my body would make up its mind whether or not I should be eating chocolate or killing men. Being a woman is so confusing sometimes.