Can You Be My Pleasure Poodle If I Call You My Assistant?

It’s hard to find a job these days. I found this ad in Craig’s List. I found it creepy and very sad. Any comments in parenthases ( ) or brackets are mine.

Life manager/personal assistant needed for tech CEO (so far, so good you think)

Without going into too many details, I am recently divorced and I have a very complicated lifestyle that my wife used to help manage. Now that we are separated I am looking for someone to help me manage my two homes, airplanes, shopping, etc

I’m looking for someone that is 18+, preferably female, non-smoker, non-drug user, happy, well adjusted, that has a sense of adventure.

Responsibilities include:
Grocery Shopping (Just so it’s not confused with you shopping for shoes on my credit card)
Cooking periodically (the fact that you are advertising for an assistant and wanting her to cook for you is… creepy.)
Maintaining the two homes: Keeping them clean, functional (there again with the two homes)
Collecting mail from various properties
Helping me manage my cars, parking tickets, etc (Yeah, I had a spoiled boss who wanted me to pay his past due bills and tickets because he was too lazy to do it himself.)
Organizing my schedule
Help manage my airplanes and hanger (Again.. “See? I’m rich!”)
Occasionally driving me to meetings (You don’t know how to drive?)
Party planning (Really?)

Requirements:
Must be 18+ (That legal thing again)
Preferably female (That non-discrimination appearance thing)
No drugs, no smoking
Interest in business and technology (So you can tell me how brilliant I am)
Moderate cooking skills or the ability to locate a chef (and WHY am I cooking for you again?)
Comfortable keeping homes clean and maintained (You are this rich and you can’t afford a maid?)
Comfortable doing laundry (WHAT?! REALLY? Ummm, there is the Housekeeper/Maid thing again.)
Happy and well-adjusted person (I am always happy and well-adjusted cooking for my boss and washing his underwear. I’m passionate about that. Really, I am.)
Trustworthy (So you won’t rat me out to your friends)
Car and drivers license (Because I don’t drive)
Flexible schedule (So you can be at my beck and call day or night – mostly night)

Job perks include: Apple computer, cell phone, free travel when required, the ability to sit in an extra seat on my plane (if there is one) if you want to go on trips. The house in Tahoe is empty most of the time, so when you’re cleaning or arranging things there, you’ll have the home to yourself.

If you’re interested in applying for this job, please email a photo of yourself, your resume (if you have one), your location, information about your availability, and general background on yourself.

(So if I want this very professional job I need first and foremost to send a picture? A PICTURE? Because obviously if I am fat or old or ugly or all three, there is no way I can do this job. Resume I see is listed second and actually incidental since he doesn’t even assume I have one. I mean, he is just looking for a dumb bimbo to clean up after him, wash his clothes, cook his food and lick his willie. Why should I have a resume? I’m sure this will draw all manner of desperate females out of the woodwork. I can see where location, availability and background might be helpful in checking out your life and previous partners.)

Compensation: $30,000 year salary plus bonuses

(ARE YOU FRACKIN’ KIDDING ME?! All that and you only want to pay $30k a year! You either are going to get someone really naive and dim, desperate or too high on crack cocaine to care. But then, whoever you are – you are a douche so I guess you will deserve each other. Good luck on that ad!)

Posted on January 21, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. The ad should just read, “Wanted: Wife who I don’t have to please & won’t have to pay alimony to when we split. Must be hot and a good cook.”

    That would mean the same thing and be a thousand times more honest. And people wonder why I’m not interested in marriage…

  2. Oh no! You wanna hire me for all that I;ll need a six figure salary coz I’ma gonna HIRE people to clean, people to cook and of course I’ll need spending $$$ for souvineers on those trips. And if he wants his willie licked I’ll buy him a ginormous jar of peanut butter and golden retreiver (blonde) irish setter (red head) and a black lab (jungle fever)

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