The Reason The People In The Midwest Are Going To Die Before The Rest Of Us

Today for Whack-A-Doodle Wednesday I thought I would talk about food. Why? Why not. The holidays are here and it’s near impossible to avoid the egg nog lattes, boxes of Sees candy and my personal favorite, Beef Stick from Hickory Farms. Mmmmmmmmm beeeeffff stiiiiccckkkkkk.

As I was ruminating on the state of holiday food, I started thinking about American eating habits in general. I know that America is fat. Face it, Americans love their food. Now there is nothing wrong with food. I love food but what I have a problem with is crap. Processed, sugar laden, chemical coasted stuff that disguises itself as food. No wonder people are getting larger and larger. Look what they are eating!

To be fair, Minnesota ranked 30 out of the 50 states for Fattest people in the US of A. The largest state is Mississippi. However, the South and the Mid-west still have the big people. When I came upon this list, courtesy of the Minnesota State Fair website, it gave me pause and also made me a little queezy. These are not all the food offerings, these are just the ones that come on a stick. And an artery cloggin’ stick it is.. deep fried, with mayo. And CHEESE!

Alligator sausage on-a-stick
Batter dipped deep fried fruit on-a-stick
Batter dipped deep fried hot dogs on-a-stick
Batter dipped, deep fried candy bars on-a-stick (Snickers, Milky Way, Three Musketeer),
Battered deep fried cheese curds on-a-stick
Blackened cajun steak-on-a-stick
Bull Bites (blackened tenderloin tips with horseradish sauce) on-a-stick
Butterscotch cake (cream filled dipped in butterscotch) on-a-stick
Caramel apples on-a-stick
Catfish on-a-stick
Chicken on-a-stick
Chocolate chip cookie batter dipped, deep fried and served on-a-stick
Chocolate covered cheesecake on-a-stick
Cotton candy on-a-stick
Deep fried pickles on-a-stick
Deep fried Spudsters on-a-stick
Deep fried twinkies on-a-stick
Dixie wings on-a-stick
Expresso on-a-stick cookies
Fried Swiss cheese on-a-stick
Frozen grapes on-a-stick
Frozen key lime pie dipped in chocolate on-a-stick
Fudge puppies (a Belgium waffle on-a-stick dipped in swiss chocolate)
Grilled pork chop on-a-stick
Hot dago on-a-stick
Ice cream on-a-stick
Leg of lamb (marinated on-a-stick)
Macaroni and cheese on a stick
Meatball on-a-stick
Nut rolls made on site (peanut, pecan, cashew) may be dipped in chocolate and served on-a-stick
Oriental lemon chicken on-a-stick
Pancake wrapped around sausage on-a-stick
Pizza on-a-stick
Porcupine meatballs on-a-stick (wild rice and ground pork)
Pretzels on-a-stick with cheese
Puff Daddy on a stick
Rocky Road scones on-a-stick (caramel, chocolate, marshmallow)
Rueben on-a-stick
Scotch Eggs on-a-stick (hard boiled egg, wrapped in sausage, rolled in bread crumbs, deep fried),
Sloppy Joes on-a-stick
Spaghetti and meat balls on-a-stick
Taffy pop on-a-stick
Tater tot hot dish on-a-stick with cream of mushroom dipping sauce
Veggies deep fried on-a-stick
Walleye on-a-stick
Wild game on-a-stick

After reading that list of artery clogging death, I didn’t feel so bad about that cup of holiday cheer. I thought it was fine to have a couple pieces of candy or a slice of pie. I can even put a dollop of whipped cream on that pie as long as I promise to stay away from deep fried taffy pop on a stick.

Oh, and Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt on the $4 menu. What’s that? It’s four breaded cheese sticks stuffed inside a grilled American cheese sandwich served with french fries and red sauce for “dipping”. Listed calorie counts are 895 for the sandwich, 1,400 if you eat the fries as well. Yeah, as a Christmas gift to yourself, stay out of Denny’s and eat those cookies at the office. You will be better off in the long run.