I GOT THE LAST HARRY POTTER BOOK
In honor of Pt. 1 of The Deathly Hallows coming out today, here is a vintage blog from July 20, 2007.
(NOTE: this is just a humorous send up on the Potter craze and has no bearing on the real book or its plot. In fact, I will rip the testicles off anyone who spoils the book for me and as a result I wont be on-line after 7pm tonight until Monday pm.)
I got a copy of the book from a back alley in Chinatown. A man wearing a baseball cap, a long coat and carrying a rabbit lured me into a dark alley, smelling of canola oil, duck fat and week old noodles. I only paid 34,294,098 yen or rubles or something mysterious and foreign for it. I think that amounted to about $10.77 in US dollars.
So I figured I would give you the highlights before you go to your Potter party tonight.
DRACO MALFOY was blamed for killing Dumbledore in the last book even though Snape did it. It was part of Dumbledore’s great plan. We never find out what that plan exactly was as you will see later, it really doesn’t matter. Draco dumps Pansy Parkinson and ends up in a hot, torrid, drama-filled, homosexual relationship with HARRY POTTER. They run off to Fire Island and start a small antique business.
RON & HERMIONE get married. She nags him relentlessly until he is forced to run off in the middle of the night and join a house elf commune in Surrey. He has taken up cooking, cleaning and not wearing clothes.
PERCY WEASLEY finally steps up to fight the dark side but because he is such a HUGE git, he gets killed in combat by his own troops. They celebrate with tea & bickies.
TONKS & LUPIN ummmm… well she was too young for him anyway. He dies in battle and she dies in a tragic butter beer incident from depression. She really was too young for him.
SNAPE was always misunderstood, has been working for the good side all this time and was only doing what Dumbledore told him to do. However being sick & tired of everyone always giving him shit, he moves to America and hooks up with me in this little cafe after George Lucas and I had a spat… O yeah, sorry… He started drinking mass quantities, bumped off LUCIUS MALFOY with a well placed potion and ran off with NARCISSA.
Albus Dumbledore’s brother ALFREDO (or whatever he name is) comes back to save the day with Fawkes, a blender and a small weasel.
GINNIE WEASLEY runs off with NEVILLE after being dumped by HARRY. Neville learns how to dance and has a HUGE ….. personality. They live happily ever after.
SIRIUS BLACK & ALBUS DUMBLEDORE are still dead.
Oh yeah, and LORD VOLDEMORT dies. Alfredos weasel… ummmmm… does him in.
Oh and what do those mysterious initials mean? Nothing. They were just a red herring to keep you away from the truly shocking ending of Malfoy and Harry running off together.