Today’s Classic Column comes from 2007. Enjoy.
So the topic of this blog actually goes back to when I was in Arcadia at the Derby, sucking down $10 Pomegranite Martinis these Mortgage Bankers were buying me. I was out about town under the guise of my secret identity and struck up a conversation with these gentlemen at the bar. The CEO guy told me he thought that people traveling East were less attractive than people traveling West. This is also known as the LA people are better looking than NY people debate. I mentioned that I would be in DC and Jersey soon so he gave me his card and told me to email my findings.
So… here I was at the most boring pseudo airport in California (also known as the Long Beach Airport. It isn’t a real airport. It’s two shoeboxes, no decent food and no decent bar. That is murder with a three hour layover. I was seriously considering calling people at 8am just to get them to talk to me and keep me company. ANYWAY….) Here I was and I decided to move over into the adjacent shoebox (also known as gates 1-3, there are only 4 gates in the whole airport) and watch the people board the plane for JFK. Here is what I found.
No attractive people. I know, I know, no one looks good that early in the morning. Hell, I was up at 4am, got to the airport by 5am and there was no way I was putting on make-up. BUT, you can tell. There was this one woman that I swear to God was Yoko Ono or at least her doppleganger. She was wearing a full length mink coat, huge black glasses, pulled back dyed black hair, stretched face and collogen lips that gave her a preditory insect look that was scary!
There was one pretty girl but she is about 6 so she doesn’t really count. The majority of the women were matrons in floor length furs and Jersey girls in Uggs with botulism stung lips, using their ears as barretts. There was one size 0 gal whose black leggings were falling over her non-existant hips, near pooling about her peesh as she struggled to pull them up. Umm, honey – the gays called and they are going to bitch slap you for that. Leggings are sooo 1980’s.
Now since I am trying to kill time I go over to a podium and ask a gate agent when the next flight from JFK or Dulles is arriving so I can eyeball those people and yes I tell her why. The inbound Dulles flight yielded equally unsastisfactory results. Average people. Great, this was not going to be much of an experiment. I decided to look at my flight and YES if you haven’t caught on already only the woman were really being looked at. The guys… well, they were just guys. Not uber smokin gay hot, not Quasimodo, just nice looking guys. We all know that women are much more catty about other women anyway and I figure the bankers really weren’t interested in hot guys flying across the country.
So my flight. Average. Average tired people. However there was one standout. No I take that back, there were two. One on each end of the spectrum. There was one gal who was really beautiful. She had to be a model. She was about 24, light skinned African (actually from Africa, I talked to her in the waiting area), flawless skin, huge eyes, big smile, hair in corn rows. Beautiful. OK we have ONE!
The other was way older than than the look she was going for. She had long hair that was done in a style popular with go-go dancers in the 60’s, make-up so thick it was near flaking off and clothes way too tight. She was an aging, desperate cougar that was not going gently into that dark night. It was so scary it near frightened the children and the animals.
I actually had one gal in my row (no one in the middle seat) traveling with her poodle. We were wearing the exact same Uggs and she said “way cool” a lot but in a way that totally worked for her.
Then I started thinking about this. During the holidays the whole going east vs. going west is a little mixed up. I mean before Christmas it is LA people flying East and NY people flying West and AFTER the holidays it is reversed. So using that model, shouldn’t the Long Beach people be better looking than the Dulles people? They were equally haggard.
So all I can do is put this experiment on hold until (a) I get to Jersey in a few days and (b) get on the flight home next Friday. I suppose the moral here is not to judge books by their covers or fly out of LAX next time or stop being such a social nimrod but if that was the case, what would I have to write about?