“If you’ve had your nipple bitten off by a beaver… youuuuuuu might be a redneck….”
“A couple came up to me in Atlanta and said ‘If we ever met you we had to tell you about when her brother got his nipple bit off by a beaver.’ Well, you have my attention. You couldn’t make that up! They had hit it with the truck and it had gone in the ditch and they wanted to find it because they wanted to take it to the taxidermist cause we all know how pretty they are on a Thanksgiving dining room table holding up the turkey. So he picks this thing up by the *tail* and he said ‘look, it ain’t even cut up or bloody or nothin’!’ because apparently, “nothin” is the word that brings a beaver back to consciousness and that was about the moment the beaver lurched out and bit his nipple off. Did not bite it, bit it off. O-F-F, off, bit it off. That is a new kind of hurt right there. The only thing I can think about is at the hospital that night, the doctor walking in and picking up the clip board – ‘what’s wrong with the guy in room 3?’ – ‘oh, he got his nipple bitten off by a beaver.’ ‘Come on I don’t have time for jokes, what’s wrong with the guy in room 3?’.
Now this was just an innocent mistake. You think you killed an animal with your car, you pick it up, find out it’s not dead but stunned and it bites you. Can happen to anyone, right? But there are animal bites that happen because off complete stupidity on people’s parts and the worst ones always seem to be instigated by the men. Take this one from Russia.
It seems a drunk Russian by the name of Alexander Kirilov decided that the only thing better than being shit faced drunk with his friend was to sexually assault a raccoon. First, who thinks raping a raccoon is a good idea? Obviously a drunk Russian. Fortunately, the raccoon was smarter than the rapist and bit his penis off.
All I can say is good on that raccoon! If you decide to molest woodland animals, you deserve what you get. If that means you have to live the rest of your life with no jimmy, then I guess that will be a daily reminder of what a stupid, dickless idiot you really are. Fortunately none of my friends have fallen into the hopeless idiot category or at least not that I know of. If you are missing your jimmy or have had your nipple bitten off by a rodent, I’m not sure I want to know. You can never get that image out of your head.