Dance Moves From Hell

There was a day when scandalous dance moves, guaranteed to give the dancer a one way ticket to Hades, were of a higher caliber.  The Waltz.  The Tango.  I would even include that strange adolescent “slow dance” phenom that emerged in the 60’s and continues to this day.  Kids clinging to each other like ivy and swaying in place because they lack the skill or knowledge to do any actual forbidden sexy dances such as the Tango.

Every generation has a dance that the older folks think will send the dancers to Hell in a handbasket.  Well, all I can say is “elevator to Hell boarding here” because I have found some of the most insane, idiotic, crude “dances” to ever pop out of the Dark Lords Kindergarten.  So today for Whack-A-Doodle Wednesday, we will look at a few dance moves that make me re-think the sanity of civilization

The first is called “dick slanging”.  Here is the YouTube clip that started this whole junk slingin’ craze: It appears you need to fulfill a few requirements to participate in this dance.  The first is, you need to be male.  The second is, you need a long penis.  I realize this makes dick slanging more of a piece of performance art rather than a dance, as dance implies an interaction between two or more people.  If you don’t fulfill both of the above stated requirements, you are not eligible to participate in this dance.

If you are at work and are unable to open this YouTube video, allow me to give you the run down.  Men, bop around to a song called “Dick Slang” while they whip their willies around inside baggy sweatpants like giant meat propellers.  If this were “Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom”, I could picture the late Marlin Perkins remarking on the mating rituals of certain homo sapiens in the wilds of the savannah.  This “dance” seems designed to either spark the attention of a potential mate, provide narcissistic preening time or a bit of homoerotic club fun.  Just think of that straight dick slanging guys!  In close club quarters, you could slang your wang against another dudes junk and that is kinda… gay.  On second thought, I would pay to see that.

The next train wreck on our hit parade of idiotic dances comes to us from Brazil. It’s called Surra de Bunda, which roughly translates into “the ass kiss”.  It has become so infamous, thanks to the internet, that the good people of Brazil are working overtime to assure the rest of the world that a dance invented by strippers does not represent the entire population.

Picture this: hot skinny bikini-clad girl dances in front of an audience.  She picks one lucky fellow out of the crowd and invites him on stage.  The male sites down with his legs straight out in front of him.  Now the gal dances around him in “pole dance” fashion until she kneels in front of him with her ass towards his face.  She then places her legs on his shoulders, locks her ankles around his neck and proceeds to ram his face into her buttocks with the rhythm of the music.

After a brief, non-scientific study, involving interviewing a few guys at the local rugby pub, the general consensus on this dance was positive.  The men seemed to big on it, could think of worse ways to get your nose broken but also acknowledged they would want this type of “stripper dance” early in the night before the dancer worked up a sweat and had already smashed the faces of a hundred men into her butt cheeks.

Our final dance craze has doctors in Jamaica alarmed.  It seems this island sensation has tripled the number of broken penis cases in area hospitals.  The new “dance” of “daggering” is basically simulated sex while clothed that has gotten completely out of control.  It seems many men enthusiastically dry hump their partners but with clothes and an upright jimmy, combined with the speed and force of the dance it leads to men … breaking their dicks.

Yup guys, your johnson can break.  These moves have migrated into the clubs in major cities and have escalated in intensity.  I’ve seen films where guys have broken tables, with the stupid girls who volunteered for this madness, on them.  This moronic dance craze has even spread to kids.  Think I’m lying?  This is why I love the internet.  Here is a little kid daggering with a mailbox:

Now kids, if you are going to try daggering, make sure you save the flashy moves for the more experienced dancers:  Getting hit in the head by flying body parts is never fun.

So what is the moral of this story?  Kids nowadays are insane, the world is going to Hell and I’m turning into my parents.  I am overwhelmed with the desire to yell “Turn off that noise you kids and get off my lawn!!!!”  I suppose for now I can comfort myself with the fact there still are people out there who love and appreciate the truly naughty dances of love.  So everyone, let’s put these idiot fads back in the box and pull out the sexy big guns!  Waltz or Tango anyone?  I’m up for that!

Posted on September 8, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I must be getting old too… Whatever happened to the Lambada? That was a good raunchy dance.. or Dirty Dancing? One doesn’t need to traumatize their junk for the sake of the dance. Michael Flatly, the flamboyant Lord of the Dance, has traumatized the public enough, and he wasn’t slanging anyone but the boys backstage.

    • I concur. Someone needs to teach these kids a good tango or rhumba. Seriously. Those dances can get pretty sexy if you do them right 🙂

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