Are There Real Superheroes?

Today for Whack-A-Doodle Wednesday, in the vein of the fictional “Kick-Ass”, I give you Viper!

While the news report does not say if this modern-day Superdouche was inspired by the movie, the costume does have the same basic color scheme so I am a little suspicious.

This begs the question, why would anyone dress like a masked, tights-wearing, superhero?  If your desire to fight crime is so great, wouldn’t it be better to become a cop?  If you remember the movie, Kick Ass got his proverbial ass kicked when he tried to stop a few thugs garden variety thugs.  Kick Ass didn’t have any super powers and neither does this kid unless bad fashion sense is a super power.

I mean honestly Viper, if you are going to protect the citizens of Columbia, there are a few things you need to do.

First: get a better outfit.  Even Peter Parker upgraded his suit early on.  He realized the fate that awaits those who dress like dorks being one himself.  Why not go for a snake motif?  Something that’s awe-inspiring and manly at the same time.  Something that says, “I may be wearing tights but I can kick your ass evil-doer!  Mock me at your own risk!”

Second: you need a cool hide-out.  Someplace where you can plan your strategy of crime fighting and where you can store your huge crime fighting computers.  I know you are probably doing good if you have a white board and only one marker that doesn’t write well but we all have to start somewhere.

Third: you need a cool ride.  Nothings says Superhero like a cool way to get around.  Since you don’t have super powers and can’t fly, swing on webs or own an invisible plane, I would go with an awesome car.  However since you are a twenty year old college student, I’m sure this is outside of your means at the moment.  We can’t all be billionaire playboys.

Fourth: which brings me to your biggest screw up – your Secret Identity!  DUDE!!!  You TOLD them your name?!  OK, this is where you lost me.  If you are going to go to all the trouble of dressing in a mask, calling yourself “The Viper”, patrolling the streets and phoning in crime, you need to protect your secret identity.  There is no faster way to lose respect in the geek community.  News Flash – you are NOT Tony Stark.

In an follow-up story it also seems that Viper was in trouble with local law enforcement…

I notice that while they mentioned the “ninja stars” they neglected to mention the other “objects of interest” he was found with.  Two plastic tubes of pipe.  Hmmm, add a little foam to those and he just sounds like an SCA guy out for a LARP or bout or whatever it’s called when guys beat on each other with plastic tubes.

Viper, it is my opinion and as an avid comic reader I feel it is a good one, that you need to hang this up.  I’m sure your heart was in the right place or you were all pissed off at the jocks who wouldn’t let you into their frat but you went about this all wrong.  You need to step back and re-think things a bit.  I think you need a Super Make-Over!  Let Viper mysteriously disappear while you go home and plan your next move.

1) Come up with a new identity.  Make it something cool and memorable.

2) Make a better fitting suit that reflects the Superhero name you have chosen.

3) Outfit your lair better.  Make sure there are blinking lights and gizmos and a few gadgets.

4) Get some cool wheels.  It helps if the car can talk or go underwater or at least dump oil for the bad guys to slip on.

5) Decide whether or not to recruit a side-kick.  Make sure he is not cooler than you.

6) Cultivate an Arch-Enemy.  Ultimately Superheroes are nothing without Supervillians.

7) DON’T TELL ANYONE YOUR SECRET IDENTITY!!!

If you follow those small bits of advice, I think you may have a chance in the fledgling Superhero biz.  Also get a taser.  It couldn’t hurt and would but more effective in apprehending thugs than trying to beat them with a PVC pipe.  Get rid of the throwing stars while you’re at it.  They’re just a whole pile of trouble and besides I don’t think you’re allowed to use them unless you get permission from the NSC (Ninja Superhero Coalition).

Posted on August 25, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Real-life_superhero

    Saw something on TV or the Internetz (I get them confused sometimes) that was a whole article on real life superheros… or maybe it was the Onion and done all in spoof… who knows these days.

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