Truck Nuts… Really?

So the other day, Kristen and I were in the car and saw this on the 580 heading towards The City and into The Maze.

That is a Buick.  A piece of shit $2000, beater Buick with giant truck wheels and rims with a pair of chrome nuts hanging off the back bumper.  Nuts.  Testicles.  Hanging off the back bumper!  Really?  REALLY?!?!  I don’t think there is a single thing on Earth that makes you more of a douche than driving a beater car with monster truck wheels and a pair of metal dangly balls hanging off the back end.

It appears that truck testicles are big business, at least if you judge the market by the number of websites.  Here is a collection I found in the 3 minutes I had between calling recruiters and eating cereal.  “Bumper Nuts, Truck Nutz, Bull Balls, Nuts For Trucks, All the Nuts, Mister Cojones” to name a few.  These nuts come in many colors, the most popular seem to be flesh, black, blue (for married men), camo, chrome and brass.

I am so not kidding.  There are guys out there making money off of other guys selling them fake balls to hang off their cars, their trucks, their motorcycles and their golf carts.  Why?  Do men think this makes them more manly?  Do they think it attracts women?  Some websites think so.  I really have to give it to “All The Nutz” for some of the most amusing commericals on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5GVABHtENw&feature=related

One site claimed that women went crazy for a big pair of swinging nuts hanging off your bike or golf cart.  I’m sorry but they don’t really do anything for me.  Do they do anything for you ladies?  My theory is that if you are old enough to wear plaid polyester pants, drive around in a golf cart all day and play golf in the desert, your nuts are already hanging between your knees.  What do you need fake hanging nuts for?

The most insane version of the whole nuts crazy is the “Nuts at Night”.  Yup, light up nuts!  You think I’m joking?  Watch this – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F8UlgyxREs

So guys do you feel the need to have nuts on your rides?  Ladies, do you want to drive in a vehicle equipped with big nuts?  I really would like to know.

Posted on June 28, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. yeah…. they’re down here too. The guys who buy them are not douches, they are Douchebags. Please use the formal term. If some guy was taking me out on a first date and I spied those things on his vehicle, I’d wish him luck cuz he’s not gonna get any from me and go back into my home. I *might* even release the hound….

    It is really sad when you see a chick driving a lifted truck with the hanging nutz. (Victorville, CA)

  2. Um.. hellz no! Doesn’t matter to me what color they are or what kind of car/truck they are on. Anybody with truck nuts is a Douchebag. Let’s not forget moms who have to explain what they are and why they are there to their kids.

  3. If you love truck nuts, you’re going to love this… http://phoneballs.com/

    But it begs the question… what do you do if your iphone is a girl?

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