If We Are Sinners For Being “Fake Pirates”, Do We Have To “Fake Repent”?

So this past weekend, I was working at the Amsbury bead booth at the Northern California Pirate Festival in Vallejo.  Since the booth is placed at the festival entrance, I got a front row seat to the comings and goings at the entrance.  We were hoppin’ both days but Saturday was especially busy.  The event was free and it was good family fun.  Bands singing sea shanties (some of which perform in The City and on various cruises), street performers, children’s shows and sing-alongs, scavenger hunts for families as well as adults and tons of costumes.  It was a great way to spend an afternoon and then… They Came.

Who you may ask?  The modern-day Puritans.  You know the type, misguided zealots that don’t want anyone to have any fun because they haven’t had any fun ever.  They walked around the faire with large signs on sticks with the usual slogans “Luke 13.3” (I just love when people take verses out of context especially with a variety of translations out there), “Jesus Saves”, Sinners Repent”, etc.  Usually I just ignore these deluded zealots.  However, this was not a Den of Iniquity, the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas or a Scientology Compound, this was a Pirate Festival!  Ummmm, were we suppose to repent for being fake Pirates?!  Repent for all the imaginary raping and pillaging that went on?  I know on Sunday, I personally raped and pillaged a “Smore  on A Stick” for breakfast.  I’m sure the pirate walking by with his pet rat who was sporting a wee pirate hat or the girls dressed as cheesy Disney princesses were sinning soooo much.  We know how much making little kids smile is a sin.

Security tossed them out so they stood outside on the sidewalk on soap boxes and railed at people as they left.  A motorcycle cop was even there to make sure things stayed peaceful or as peaceful as things can be with three nut jobs yelling vitriol from their hateful God because that sure as shit has nothing to do with Jesus.  As you may or may not know, I’m engaged to Jesus and these people just make him sad.  He wants everyone to know that he likes booty and fake pirates and all kinds of law-abiding fun.  He especially likes the cool bikers who I saw at the booth cracking jokes for the kids.

The best thing I saw were the people who thought these wackos were part of the show!  People applauded, clapped and thought it was funny.  Granted, that just made them sputter and froth at the mouth and even cry but it was more efficient than arguing with them.  You are never going to win that battle!  Humor always works better than confrontation.

Now if these whack-a-doodles want a real cause and want to reform some real sinners I’ll give them some. Later that night, one of our participant girls, around 21 years of age, was robbed at gun point by three piece of trash young thugs.  You heard me, these “ganstas” put a gun to a young woman’s HEAD and stole her money that she had worked hard for.  If anyone is in need of “Saving” it’s them.  Personally I would just throw them in a rat infested cage to rot but that would be cruel and unusual punishment…  for the rats.

So “Born Again Evangelists” (not that you read my stuff because I am sure you think I’m the Whore of Babylon) but perhaps you should preach to some REAL criminals and “sinners” that need it instead of bothering us.  Of course, they would probably just shoot you because that’s what real evil people do.  But that way you could be a martyr and we could have some peace and quiet.  It’s a Win-Win!

Posted on June 21, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Hear hear!! Awesome post, and I’m so sorry for your friend who was robbed. Terrifying.

    And the misguided evangelists outside a pirate even, should go find some real sin to lament.

  2. Dis iz Tonks. I haz to say, Auntie Dre, youz getz some CRAZIES up dere. No wonder my sister, de Abomination, iz so weird. Must be da Bay air or sumfin!!! Mom-monkey sayz dey need to re-pint for being “judgemental asses.”

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