Childrens Fairyland and Wild Alpaca Lovin’

So last Friday, I met Carrie and her evil minion (who I will say is sooo pretty you completly forget about her being evil and striving for World Domination at the age of 2) at Children’s Fairyland at Lake Merritt in Oakland for an afternoon of fairy fun.  Here is a link for those of you who don’t know what this is and YES it is for kids and not some gay theme park.  That is Disneyland on Gay Night which is the BEST time I have ever had at the park but that is another blog.

As we approached the gate, the minion tore off into the park in search of world domination with Carrie in hot pursuit.  Adults just do not understand that the World Domination of Fairyland is an all afternoon undertaking that must be accomplished as quickly as possible with lots of running, sliding, running, sand throwing and more running.  There is a method to the madness.  The adults have just forgotten as now we are old and tired and just want a beer and a nap.

Another note is that adults are not allowed into Fairyland unless you have a kid with you and kids are not allowed in unsupervised.  So, if people like me want to spend a day at Fairyland I need to borrow a kid because this bright, happy pre-school place could easily be the Uncle Ernie Carnival of Sicko Fun for pervs and no one wants that.

First there is the clock tower that is a slide.  The slide twists a bit and there is sliding fun.  A little boy, I will call him The Sidekick in order to protect his secret identity, was not so sure about this.  I mean when you are 2 feet tall, just climbing the stairs is WAY scary.  Hey, I HATE getting up on a ladder.  I remember (vaguely) getting to the top of the slide and not knowing if you should go down and trying to decide and it’s kinda scary and now there are kids behind you so you can’t go backwards and it is just a lot of pressure for a two year old.  I mean screw your latest stock acquisition, this is serious!  Well the sidekick did do the slide to much applause and adult cheering (because you need to reward risk taking as long as it doesn’t include setting your siblings on fire).

After that it was off to the animals.  There were guinea pigs, two of them and they were black.  Sorry, they were guinea pigs of color, and seemed to be quite happy.  I did remark that they looked mighty tasty.  There were also ducks and bunnies and two burros (who showed us their butts).  We also saw a cement frog with a plastic tube stuck up it’s butt.  We didn’t know if the frog was getting an enema or if this was just part of frog fun.  We were having such a nice time and then I saw it.  Yup – the squirrel.  Actually there were a few of them that then proceeded to dog me the entire day.  I had to explain to the Sidekicks parental units about the squirrel thing, why they were evil and out to get me.  I thought skinning one in the middle of children’s Fairyland would be a bad idea so they lived……for now.

One of the highlights is the coolest “underground” maze where you go down the rabbit hole and the walls are all painted with scenes from Alice in Wonderland with characters you can look at.  Now that they have a fresh coat of paint, they are really pretty neat.  It is also a lucky thing that the card maze at the end of the rabbit hole is short for adults so you can see over the cards since the minion had a plan which involved ditching the grownups.  Needless to say, her plan didn’t work as we could see over the cards.  HA!  Foiled your plan for World Domination #1!

It was then suggested that we check out the “creepy chapel”.  OK, there is this little wee chapel with benches inside and faux stained glass and a fake organ and a wee alter.  I have yet to see a bunch of 3 year olds conduct a service here so I am unsure as to why it is here other than some church ladies donated it.  I mean these kids aren’t getting married or sprinkling water on each other or having funerals.  (or are they…. wait for it)  I went into this chapel and saw this stuffed bunny sitting on a bench that someone left behind.  I put him on the alter so he could conduct a service for this empty creepy chapel for little kids or as a sacrifice – take your pick.  Carrie commented that all the creepy chapel needed was a kids cemetery to complete the aura of creep.  As a person who hangs out in a lot of cemeteries I will tell you that kids cemeteries are definetly the creepiest.  So around back are a few kids, dressed as angels, dancing around a christmas tree.  Hmmm, are they dead?  Are they in a play?  Still trying to make the connection.  It’s hurting my brain so I stop.

Now the squirrels are everywhere and they are following me. #@$&%(@# squirrels!  Go away before I let the Evil Minion use you in a super secret machine that will complete her plan of World Domination.  It is made out of a juice box, a few french fries, a hair scrunchie and…. o no, I think I’ve said too much already.

So before snack time we decide to have a little train ride.  As we are going into a tunnel – I see it – THE KIDDIE CEMETERY!!!!!!!!!!    I am soooooo not joking!  There are headstones of kids that say things like this is what happened when Suzie didn’t keep her hands and feet inside the car or (my personal favorite) “No More Birthdays”.  How brilliant and fucked up is THAT?!  It had a sense of pathos along with me cackling in Edward Gorey glee.  You know, that is gonna scare the pants off some little kid.  If they could only read….  LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Anyway, after a snack we go to the little western town they have just finished and the kids LOVED the ponies.  Not real ponies.  These are little fake ponies the kids can climb on.  They are gay ponies.  I don’t even know how to describe these ponies.  Ummm, they have HUGE and I mean HUGE Farrah Fawcett hairdos with big smiles and lots of teeth.  We figured one was a 1970’s John Travolta gay pony and the other one was a David Lee Roth Hair Band pony.  Damn, I thought I had seen it all.  But wait, THERE’S MORE…..

We head back to the animal area and check out the pony, the sheep and the Alpaca. We had seen them earlier and had remarked that the pony looked in pretty bad shape, the Alpaca just kept bleating and looking pathetic and the sheep just looked evil.  On closer examination of the little cards, we found out that the pony is a rescue, hella old, blind in one eye and has arthritis.  The sheep also had special needs though I think the main one is that his father is SATAN and the Alpaca…..  Well the Alpaca..Juan Valdez… wasn’t just bleating for nothing.  You see we learned that when the animals are let out of their enclosures after closing to run around, the Alpaca goes right for .. the goats.  He loves the goats.  He moons over the goats.  He wants him some goat lovin and if you get in his line of sight between him and the goat pen, he really freaks out.  We tried to take a message to the goats that Juan really wanted some goat lovin but the regular sized male and the pygmie female didn’t return his affection.  Unrequited love.  Sorry dude, I feel your pain.  You know, I saw that alpacas tongue.  Those goats don’t know what they are missing.  Come on goats, go interspecies for a bit.  I mean, Alpaca – goat, that is kinda close.

Well the day draws to a close, the evil minion and her sidekick share a little snoggin’ that is so bloody cute the picture will no doubt be shown at great length for years to come.  That’s how it is when you are two, chase some squirrels, slide on the slide, kiss your sidekick, plot to take over the World.

A great time was had by all (except by the goats who are just really confused).  Your mileage may vary, shipped by weight not by volume, some settling may occur during shipping, objects in mirror may appear larger. Information in this post may not be used in a manner inconsistent with packaging or directions. Opinions expressed in this post are just those… opinions. Moral implications should not be drawn nor inferred as evil if my experience and opinions differ from yours.

Posted on April 13, 2010, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. this is probably the funniest entry i’ve ever read. particularly after having been to fairyland many times myself. SENOR JUAN VALDEZ!

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