Attack of the Muni Bus!
As you may or may not know, Muni buses kill people with regularity. Technically it’s the Muni bus driver that kills people, at times driving up on the sidewalk to mow down pedestrians but now I’m not so sure. The statistics are pretty shocking:
- 2002 – 2 deaths
- 2003 – 2 deaths
- 2004 – 3 deaths
- 2005 – 3 deaths
- 2006 – 4 deaths
- 2007 – 8 deaths
- 2008 – 19 deaths and injuries! One of the men that was run down was dragged through the STREET AND there was the old lady hit and killed while she was in the crosswalk. THE CROSSWALK! The list goes on and on….
I am starting to think maybe it isn’t just maniacal or drunk bus drivers. I think it is the Muni bus itself. Did you ever read Stephen King’s book Christine, the horror novel about the killer car? I think these buses are possessed by Satan. How do I know? I saw it for myself. Today I looked the devil in the eye and it was life changing.
I was in the Embarcadero at a temp assignment, coming back to the office after lunch when I hear a horn. I see a Muni bus up the street by Powell, coming towards the Bay at a bit of a clip, honking at the car LEGALLY in front of it, then SWERVES to go around the car (yes these buses are ATTACHED to wires overhead), the car moves and then the bus tries to mow down a bicycle!
I know what you’re thinking – it was one of those annoying, self-important couriers or those “Critical Mass” idiots. It wasn’t. If it was one of them, I would have run them down myself but this was a regular, law abiding, normal bike rider and here comes the demon bus bearing down on him, honking its horn. It was surreal. I was half expecting to see the bus jump its tether and go on a spree, mowing down groups of unsuspecting nuns and small children who are eating ice cream.
So now the question is, what do we do about Muni buses that are possessed by Satan? Exorcism? Well the Catholic church will tell you (when they aren’t thinking you are a nut job) that you can’t perform the rite of exorcism on an inanimate object. So what is left? I’ll tell you – squirrels.
Squirrels are minions of evil in their own right. I think if you fling squirrels at the offending bus, the ensuing collision of evil will cause the bus to short out. Now I just need to test my theory. Does anyone have a spare crate of squirrels?