iPhone 4 and Porsche Pants

It has been one week since the latest Apple feeding frenzy known as “The Apple iPhone 4g Release Date” or “Black Thursday” or “Why Are All Those Nerds Camping on the Sidewalk?” Day.  The 4g is the most exciting item to come down the pipeline since the release of the original iphone.  Photos on the web still mostly show the “iphone fake outs” (the 4g in a 3g case) leading people to assume it will have the curved back but be thinner.  The phone is more squared off, boxy and thicker in reality.    While the hype has been huge, the payout is huge as well.

We have now entered the world of the Jetsons for real!  While we don’t have flying cars (yet), companies are working on GPS “invisible lanes” for airborne traffic.  A jet pack is soon available for consumer purchase – reserve yours now.  Roomba, the floor cleaning robot, already picks up after us and now we have video phones!  Yes, the iphone 4g has a feature called Facetime which allows you to see and chat with a fellow iphone 4g user as long as both of you are currently in a place with wi-fi.  I am sure the new Apple TV system (which is reputed to be tiny) will also have Facetime for your television.  Then you can truly chat like Jane and George Jetson!

There is a flash for the camera, a glass shell made with material used in bullet trains for their windshields which should cut down on scratches and cracks from small impact accidents.  The resolution is amazing, making it easier to read than ever!  The pluses and features are all cool and niffy and reminiscent of puppies in the Springtime.  Until…

you get the phone out of the box and use it.  Now here is where the pants come into play.  You see the antenna is an aluminum strip (which also secures items on the inside of the phone) and when you hold it  in your bare hand, it cuts off all your reception.  Yup.  No bars.  You just hold the phone and watch the bars die.

How did this happen?  No one at Apple or AT&T or the FCC caught this and boy were they embarrassed.  This started hitting the geek blogs 2 days before the release due to a few people who pre-ordered their phone for home delivery getting theirs a day before the delivery date by mistake.  It appears that no one  ever held the phone in their bare hand.  The phone was evidently disguised within a 3g case when people took it outside for testing so the average Joe would not know it was the “new phone”.  Most people have their phone in a case anyway in order to protect it from damage.

Now here is the rub.  People just paid anywhere from $200 – $800 for a PHONE and now they can’t use it.  Not unless it’s in a case.  Problem: unless you were one of the sidewalk geeks, the cases sold out around 3pm on release day.  Apple makes an announcement.  It isn’t “We’re sorry, we fucked up.”  Nope it was “You’re holding the phone wrong.”  What?  Holding the phone wrong?!  Really?!

That is like someone dropping 100k on a Porsche and then being told the reason your car abruptly decelerates or stops altogether is because you aren’t wearing your “Porsche Pants” (sold separately).  Silly you, didn’t you know you can’t drive a cool car like a Porsche without your special Porsche Pants?  Regular pants just will not do. HOWEVER, if you wear driving gloves that will fix the issue but you really should buy those pants.

Personally I like having a phone case but can understand the frustration with not being able to get a case, having a phone I can’t use reliably and figuring it isn’t my fault that I wasn’t told that I need Porsche Pants in order to drive the car.

Bottom line: I think Steve Jobs has hit a triple, set a standard for all models to come and even with the “unintended features” (what we called bugs at AOL) his products continue to innovate.   How do I know?  Well the products speak for themselves and of the possibilities of the future.  However I think the biggest indicator are all the Apple nay sayers.  I have never known  ANYONE to bitch so loud about any other product except perhaps the GOP about the medical insurance plan.  The vocal anti-Apple contingent just proves the point that Jobs is on the right track and that track merges with (cue soundtrack)

Meet George Jetson!  His Boy Elroy!  Daughter Judy!  Jane, his Wife!

Truck Nuts… Really?

So the other day, Kristen and I were in the car and saw this on the 580 heading towards The City and into The Maze.

That is a Buick.  A piece of shit $2000, beater Buick with giant truck wheels and rims with a pair of chrome nuts hanging off the back bumper.  Nuts.  Testicles.  Hanging off the back bumper!  Really?  REALLY?!?!  I don’t think there is a single thing on Earth that makes you more of a douche than driving a beater car with monster truck wheels and a pair of metal dangly balls hanging off the back end.

It appears that truck testicles are big business, at least if you judge the market by the number of websites.  Here is a collection I found in the 3 minutes I had between calling recruiters and eating cereal.  “Bumper Nuts, Truck Nutz, Bull Balls, Nuts For Trucks, All the Nuts, Mister Cojones” to name a few.  These nuts come in many colors, the most popular seem to be flesh, black, blue (for married men), camo, chrome and brass.

I am so not kidding.  There are guys out there making money off of other guys selling them fake balls to hang off their cars, their trucks, their motorcycles and their golf carts.  Why?  Do men think this makes them more manly?  Do they think it attracts women?  Some websites think so.  I really have to give it to “All The Nutz” for some of the most amusing commericals on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5GVABHtENw&feature=related

One site claimed that women went crazy for a big pair of swinging nuts hanging off your bike or golf cart.  I’m sorry but they don’t really do anything for me.  Do they do anything for you ladies?  My theory is that if you are old enough to wear plaid polyester pants, drive around in a golf cart all day and play golf in the desert, your nuts are already hanging between your knees.  What do you need fake hanging nuts for?

The most insane version of the whole nuts crazy is the “Nuts at Night”.  Yup, light up nuts!  You think I’m joking?  Watch this – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F8UlgyxREs

So guys do you feel the need to have nuts on your rides?  Ladies, do you want to drive in a vehicle equipped with big nuts?  I really would like to know.

Chipmunks and Other Animal Adventures

I think I’m just going to call this “Classic Column Wednesday” at least until this book is finished.  However I decided to actually re-work a Classic Column so it is partly new.  Now what am I going to call this?  Pseudo Classic Column Wednesday?  Sort of New Column Wednesday?  Anyway, here it is.  It seems I’m not the only person with furry rodent issues.

My brother-in-law (who is a Partner for KPMG) is in town last week at a training conference in The City. I had dinner with him at Boulevard and we split a bottle of Silver Oak.

There are a few things you should know about my brother:

1) He is from Argentina

2) He is tall, dark and handsome

3) He is a wiz with numbers

4) He can grill any meat there is

5) He is deathly afraid of rodents, namely mice and rats. They made him scream like a little girl in pigtails and wearing a frilly dress.

So he tells me that their dishwasher wasn’t working. When they pulled it out they found a huge pile of dog food behind the appliance. They also found a pile of dog food under one of the sinks in the back behind the trash can. I thought it was the kids messing with their parents heads. Definitely the kids or the Blair Witch. One or the other. Actually they are kinda interchangeable. But no, it was chipmunks. He said he even saw one running across the kitchen floor.

Wait a minute… Aren’t chipmunks rodents? Mice, rats, chipmunks…. different clothes but same rodent critter. I asked him “Why aren’t you screaming like a girl about the chipmunks? They are bigger than mice!”  “They are different.” was all the explanation I got from him. Great.

As a Christmas present one year I cleaned my sisters laundry room which included tossing, sweeping and bulldozing the condos the mice made with a comforter and a duvet. Rodents really don’ t bother me.  In my free time I’ve been known to put a few dollars on rat races.  Yes, they do have rat races, just like horse races or pig races!  There is even a wheel where they put a mouse on top of a roulette wheel inside a little house, the wheel spins, the mouse stays stationary, the house comes off and the mouse runs for one of the various holes along the side of the wheel with numbers on them.  We all scream like maniacs, yelling for the mouse to pick our number.  I know, pathetic but not as pathetic as Twilight.

So chipmunks? REALLY?  You aren’t scared of them because they are wearing a different suit?  Well, it is a very fashionable suit that does raise them above their mouse/rat/squirrel cousins.  I think it is the stylish racing stripe.  I told him he could get a cat and the cat would take care of the rodents.  He wasn’t buying it, he’s a dog person.

I thought he should reconsider.  I told him about this kitten I saw outside the other day. It was in the backyard of the neighbors behind me. They have a whippet and this kitten was doing the psycho spinning, twirley dance of death in front of the dog. The dog stared at her in utter indifference. Then the kitten leapt straight in the air, turned and landed on the dog. The dog just looked at the kitten like it was nothing and turned away. The kitten leapt off and ran, hell bent for leather, into the house.

This made me think of two things:  What makes kittens so psycho and what does “hell bent for leather” mean?  My bro response to that was “THAT is exactly why I like dogs!  They are not crazy.”

I will leave you with a fine summary from one of my fav columnists and one of his famed “Cat Columns” from the Chron:

“Conclusion: Kittens exhibit poor impulse control, signs of incipient paranoia, delusional behavior, physically inappropriate gestures and unprovoked aggression. They are most probably insane. Thank you.” – Jon Carroll

If We Are Sinners For Being “Fake Pirates”, Do We Have To “Fake Repent”?

So this past weekend, I was working at the Amsbury bead booth at the Northern California Pirate Festival in Vallejo.  Since the booth is placed at the festival entrance, I got a front row seat to the comings and goings at the entrance.  We were hoppin’ both days but Saturday was especially busy.  The event was free and it was good family fun.  Bands singing sea shanties (some of which perform in The City and on various cruises), street performers, children’s shows and sing-alongs, scavenger hunts for families as well as adults and tons of costumes.  It was a great way to spend an afternoon and then… They Came.

Who you may ask?  The modern-day Puritans.  You know the type, misguided zealots that don’t want anyone to have any fun because they haven’t had any fun ever.  They walked around the faire with large signs on sticks with the usual slogans “Luke 13.3” (I just love when people take verses out of context especially with a variety of translations out there), “Jesus Saves”, Sinners Repent”, etc.  Usually I just ignore these deluded zealots.  However, this was not a Den of Iniquity, the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas or a Scientology Compound, this was a Pirate Festival!  Ummmm, were we suppose to repent for being fake Pirates?!  Repent for all the imaginary raping and pillaging that went on?  I know on Sunday, I personally raped and pillaged a “Smore  on A Stick” for breakfast.  I’m sure the pirate walking by with his pet rat who was sporting a wee pirate hat or the girls dressed as cheesy Disney princesses were sinning soooo much.  We know how much making little kids smile is a sin.

Security tossed them out so they stood outside on the sidewalk on soap boxes and railed at people as they left.  A motorcycle cop was even there to make sure things stayed peaceful or as peaceful as things can be with three nut jobs yelling vitriol from their hateful God because that sure as shit has nothing to do with Jesus.  As you may or may not know, I’m engaged to Jesus and these people just make him sad.  He wants everyone to know that he likes booty and fake pirates and all kinds of law-abiding fun.  He especially likes the cool bikers who I saw at the booth cracking jokes for the kids.

The best thing I saw were the people who thought these wackos were part of the show!  People applauded, clapped and thought it was funny.  Granted, that just made them sputter and froth at the mouth and even cry but it was more efficient than arguing with them.  You are never going to win that battle!  Humor always works better than confrontation.

Now if these whack-a-doodles want a real cause and want to reform some real sinners I’ll give them some. Later that night, one of our participant girls, around 21 years of age, was robbed at gun point by three piece of trash young thugs.  You heard me, these “ganstas” put a gun to a young woman’s HEAD and stole her money that she had worked hard for.  If anyone is in need of “Saving” it’s them.  Personally I would just throw them in a rat infested cage to rot but that would be cruel and unusual punishment…  for the rats.

So “Born Again Evangelists” (not that you read my stuff because I am sure you think I’m the Whore of Babylon) but perhaps you should preach to some REAL criminals and “sinners” that need it instead of bothering us.  Of course, they would probably just shoot you because that’s what real evil people do.  But that way you could be a martyr and we could have some peace and quiet.  It’s a Win-Win!

Want Some Weekend Fun? – Enter The Flying Monkeys!

Perhaps you haven’t noticed but we are fascinated by pirates lately.  Granted, Disney kicked off the viral Captain Jack Sparrow phenomenon but pirates have been a staple for Halloween costumes, books and movies for quite some time.  Why is that?  I’m really not sure.  Perhaps it’s the swashbuckling coolness Errol Flynn brought to the silver screen all those years ago.  The pirates we dress like today are not real pirates.  Real pirates were rapists, murderers and criminals of the worst kind.  There was a good reason the penalty for piracy was hanging.  But today, pirates have undergone a make-over and made them good, clean fun or at least in the case of Captain Jack – good drag queen fun.

I admit I was never much into pirates as a kid.  I was a Princess girl and pirates were too tomboyish for me.  My first ride on Pirates of the Caribbean when I was eight was memorable in that I spent the time during the ship fight with my head in my mother’s lap.  I peeked through my fingers but it was still loud and scary.  Though I must admit I did love the red-head prostitute in the village square being sold off to a bunch of gross, hairy, drunk guys.  Yes, I did know she was a prostitute when I was 8 years old and didn’t care.  She was the pretty, glamorous one.  Perhaps that’s what started me on my career of corset wearing?

Anyway, growing up I never dressed like a pirate for Halloween and was never into pirate movies until Captain Jack swaggered onto the scene with his kohl lined eyes and his Keith Richards affectations.  Now what do you think I am doing this weekend?  Dressing like a Pirate!

For the 4th year in a row, the bay area is host to the largest pirate festival in the nation AND to make it all the better – its FREE!!!!  Well the food isn’t free, the beer isn’t free and the women sure as hell are not free BUT you can bring your whole family, get into the festival and not pay a thing, not even for parking!  Where is this magical place you may ask?  It’s next to the Ferry Terminal in Vallejo so if you are in The City you can… TAKE THE FERRY!  It’s the perfect plan!  Take the ferry, get stink ass drunk, take the ferry back, take BART, stagger home.  What a deal!  Honestly it’s a fun time.  To prove it, here I am with my friend Renee and our flying monkeys from the Festival last year.

Stand & Deliver or ye get it with the monkey!

Yeah, that’s me on the right, dressed like a pirate and threatening random people with a flying monkey that shrieks when you shoot it.  Now how fun is that?!  You too can have your own flying monkey!  They are available for purchase or you can win one like I did playing “Pirate Dice” at Captain Jack Spareribs booth.

This festival is a whirlwind of pirate fun!  The food is amazing and there are healthy options as well.  No cotton candy crap and carnival food nastiness at this show!  What kid doesn’t like a grilled cheese sandwich or some fudge?  What adult doesn’t like grilled meat or fresh seafood?  My favs are the tri-tip sandwich, the fresh oysters, the rum cake.. with extra rum, and any of the candies from Artisan Candies (though I must admit I am partial to Smores on a Stick).  My only suggestion is to eat early or later as the food court area tends to fill during prime lunch time.

The festival also features first class entertainment.  They have a ton of pirate themed bands/singing groups though my favs are The Seadogs.  They have shows for kids.  The interactive kids show with Captain Kidd & Nellie where they have the kids act out Treasure Island is a ton of fun.  There are also lots of things you can buy and not all of them are expensive.  There are live ship battles in the estuary which everyone likes because who doesn’t like being shot at with a cannon with no chance of having the ball smoosh you or destroy your town?  And if that wasn’t enough, on Saturday the Guinness Book of World Records will be there as we break the record for “most fake pirates in one place” or something like that.

You can get all the information you need at the Northern California Pirate Festival website: http://www.norcalpiratefestival.com/

You can find me at one of the Amsbury booths (either beads or their Pirate Gear).  I’ll be wearing basically what you see in the picture except I think I’m going for a pirate skirt this time.  The pants don’t stay up.  I hate hip huggers that threaten to moon everyone at any moment.  Come by and say Howdy!  I expect to see each and every one of my 5 readers there!  You really have no choice now.  It’s free, there’s beer, there’s me and flying monkeys!  How can you lose?

The Pastor’s Ass

With all this religious and political ass-hattery going on (is that a word?), I thought I would post a classic today.  This was from a viral e-mail, author unknown.  If you know who originated it, please let me know.  I think it is a classic fable  we can all take something away from.

**********************************************************************************

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headline read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is…
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery…
Even shorten you life.  So be yourself and enjoy life.   Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and take care of your own.  You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

Writing Pitfalls & Braided Pit Hair

Writing is hard.  It’s just like Barbie says “Math is hard.  Let’s go shopping!”  I wish writing was that easy sometimes. I wish I could just go shopping instead, get some inspiration and still get my pages done.  Nope.  Right now my PC is sooo slow that once I stop typing it takes 30 seconds for the words to catch up on me.  I’m hoping this doesn’t mean the laptop is dying because without a job, I really can’t afford another one now.  Maybe my wifi connection just sucks.  That is possible… Anyway…

But back to writing.  Re-writes are the worse.  Let me give you a front row seat to my brain.  Here is how things are going.  I have the book done… pretty much.  But I need to check for spelling, and words that aren’t suppose to be there and places were I put FIX THIS, or ADD MORE HERE or FLESH THIS OUT or PUT SOMETHING FUNNY HERE.  Other times I have to add pages of new material to “bridge” the gaps between funny bits.  So I go back and start writing again but sometimes I just stall.  I can’t think of anything to say.

My friend Kat said if you want to be a real writer, you have to write even when you don’t feel like writing.  Even when your muse has taken a latte break or even a trip to Boca.  You know what happens when my muse up and leaves?  This happens!

“The bedroom walls were a terra cotta with a sage green trim and the dining room were a terra otta as well.  Thesunroom was a deep yhellow with white trim and the bathroom a taupe with white trim.”

Shoot me now!  A list of paint colors with bad typos?!  REALLY??!!!  I suck but I just keep slogging on.  There are times when I go back through my Moleskine and wonder what the notes I wrote down mean.  Here are a few:

“Focus on bunch of bananas – COCKS!!! LA Weekly is porn – more about the pee response later – I’m ____ with the man in the rearview mirror – Bitch in the Lexus cut me off – Where is the dildo?”

I have NO idea what I was thinking when I jotted those down.  They were suppose to be for blogs but I have no idea where I was going with those ideas so they just sit there, enigmas of my brain, tossed out of the fast-moving car of my conciousness onto the highway of life and utterly discarded.  How’s THAT for a metaphor?

And what does all of this have to do with pit hair?  Well I was writing at The Fireman Store (the Starbucks at The Point across from the fire station) when I saw this guy come in.  If Grizzly Adams and Cher (ala Half Breed) ever had a love child, he would be it.  Full beard, long straight Cher hair, blue glasses, white leather outfit and braided pit hair.  You heard it right, BRAIDED PIT HAIR!!!  This guy is NEVER getting laid!  It suddenly made me feel better about my writing and myself.  Why?  First, because I don’t dress like that.  Second, because I think braided pit hair is gross and third, because if it wasn’t for fashion train wrecks like that, what would I have to write about?  Also, all three of the topics I hit on today (pit hair guy, re-writes are hard and stupid things I find in my notebook) were all abandoned blog ideas that I made work today.  Go me!

Now to get some re-writes done today.  I think I can tackle it!

Gay Cherry Mochas Meet The Cougar Girls

So the other day I was in The City for an interview and decided to stop by Starbucks for a Grande Non-fat No Water Chai Tea Latte.  As I walked into the store, I was greeted by the most chipper gay man ever!  “SWEETIE!  How ya doin?!  What can we get you today?”  I told him and then he asked “Have you tried our new Dark Cherry Mocha?”  I told him I hadn’t.  It sounded kinda sweet to me, like Robitussin or the name of a stripper over at The Peppermint Rhino.  I thought perhaps I would try one later until Mr. Starbucks steps in with a cherry “I’ll just whip you you a little one!  Just a wee one for you to try!”

Well how can you turn down free and presented with such a sunshine smile?  Sure enough, he whipped up a tiny, Barbie sized latte complete with whip and chocolate shavings.  It wasn’t as sweet as I thought, the chocolate was more bittersweet.  Not something I would drink all the time but it was nice.  Perhaps it was made extra fabulous by my Basita.  I was having a great morning and then… they came in.

A blousy pack of 40 something women on their way to work or a conference or a bar, push through the door.  While I wasn’t paying much attention at first, since I was focused on my wee Barbie latte sample, I hear “b;ah, blah, blah… 22 year old stripper.”

My ears go up like Scooby Doo. Arrr?!  The alpha with the huge helmet of spray hair, then started rambling about “Cougars are just the poo!”  One of her friends chimes in with “But aren’t cougars hot like Demi Moore?”  “Oh no!”, the big hair woman bellows, “They don’t have to be hot, they just need to chase cubs!”  Then they all chime in together, “LIKE US!”

OK, get me out of here!  These women have just harshed my perfect day mellow.  My poor Barista looks like he wants to hide behind the counter or run from the store screaming, arms waving above head.  If I wasn’t unemployed and poor, I would take out a billboard with these women’s faces on it to warn young men of this impending train wreck.

Ladies, let’s not aspire to the most unattractive, pathetic traits of aging men (i.e. chasing girls young enough to be their kids) just to make you feel younger.  Remember, it’s called self-esteem because it comes from yourself, not from other people.

I Sent My Money To Nigeria & All I Got Was This STupid T-Shirt

(“Classic column Wednesday” while I work on the book)

First please forgive the length but I thought in order to get accurate feedback I needed to show this just as I received it. As you know I’ve been looking for places to live and decided to look in the new newspaper classifieds – Craigs List. A few postings didn’t have contact numbers or emails.   You had to click the link on the listing which would send an email directly to the poster to reply to you. This condo is in Albany next to Berkeley and El Cerrito and for the most part a small, nice town with excellent schools and money.
***********************************************************************************
Hello,

Showers of blessing unto you and you entire household.My name is Steven Holmes the owner of the 2bedroom Condo you are making enquiry of.I once resided in the Condo with my wife and only daughter before me and my family decided to work for the lord.So presently i am based here in the West africa.My wife could not stay further cause she had to go for a surgery in Mississippi,Cause she has to visit an Otology/Neurotologist for sugery we want to give it out for rent and looking for a responsible person that can take good care of the Condo for us we are not after the money for the rent but want it to be clean at the time and the person that will rent it to take it as if it were its own. So for now, i am here in west Africa, our new House and put all my worries off concerning the maintenance of the Home for, since i am not residing there for now.I left behind some Facilities and electonics which include the rent, and a DVD player, air conditioning, alarm system. The kitchen is fully equipped with all necessary cooking utensils, refrigerator-freezer, four-hob and oven, microwave,dishwasher and washing machine, My Computer Connected with Internet Acess Also the keys to the House are right here with me, and the lease document. Which i can send to you after all necessary agreement has be accepted. Also i will like you to know that the rent charges is not really the issue,Hope you are okay with the price of ($820) with hydro,heat laundry facilities,air condition and so on,but your absolute maintenance of my Home is most important thing so will want you to get back to me with the Application form below.

Here is the Condo address :535 Pierce St, Albany CA 94706 .. Pls note that you will be viewing the House from outside and won’t be able to inspect the Interior because the keys and the documents to the Condo are with me here in Africa and It is located on a cool, quiet and safe neighbourhood.

========= RENT APPLICATION FORM ============
PRIVATE & CONFIDENTIAL

Also,Pls answer these questions below:

1)Your Full Name______________________________________

2)Present Address(where you reside now) & Phone Number______________________________

3)How old are you _____________________________

4)Are you married ______________________________ _____

5)How many people will be living in the Condo___________________________

6)Do you have a pet _________________________________________

7)Do you have a car __________________________________________

8)Occupation _________________________________________________

9)How long are you willing to stay _________________________________________

10)When do you intend to move in _________________________________________

11)1 month Or 2 month deposit needed ______________________________________

12) Pictures of all the Occupant that will stay in my Condo______________________________________

MORE DETAILS

The accomodation comprises; entrance hall/landing (21’1×5’10), reception room (17’0x16’0), kitchen breakfast room(13×11), bedroom 2 (12’10×10’5), bathroom and separate WC on the first floor.

FURNISHED
PERIOD PROPERTY
SPACIOUS AND LIGHT
KITCHEN BREAKFAST ROOM
POPULAR AREA
GOOD TRANSPORT LINKS

Landing 22’1″ x 5’10” ( 6.73m x 1.78m )
Reception room 17’0″ x 16’0″ ( 5.18m x 4.88m )
Kitchen 13’0″ x 11’0″ ( 3.96m x 3.35m )
Bathroom 6’10” x 5’10” ( 2.08m x 1.78m )
Guest WC 5’0″ x 2’10” ( 1.52m x 0.86m )

One Mr John called me about the Condo,I told him that I can’t give him the Condo because he loves smoking,drinking and dont want him to get drunked and damaged my property one day so If you are still interested, No extra fees.I will like you to give me a call on this effect to know how serious you are,Here is my Contact Number +2348023554481 or 0112348023554481, I personally will actually come visiting you sometimes during the year as our new tenant.Looking forward to hear from you with all this details so that i can have it in my file incase of issuing the receipt in your name and contacting you.Await your urgent reply so that we can discuss on how to get the keys and the documents to you,please we are giving you all this based on trust and again i want you to stick to your words,We are putting everything into Gods hand,so please do not let us down in this property of ours and God bless you more as you do this.

Thanks

***************************************************************************
OK, why do I have a funny feeling and think this person is either:

A) a relative to that Nigerian Prince that wants to give me tons of money if I will just send him a fee to get the money released to the bank

B) a serial killer with a really elaborate Nigerian Prince fantasy

C) I call the number and it charges my phone $10,000 for an overseas porn call

D) If it is too good to be real, it probably is.

E) This condo doesn’t even belong to him.

It seems the average rental market prices for that area are:
Studio = $800-950
1 Bedroom = 1,000 – 1,350
2 Bedroom – 1,300 – 1,450 for the average place.

This is not the $450 I paid for a 1 bedroom when I got out of school.  Is this a new scam?  A way for an illiterate idiot to get his jollies?  I reported it to the Albany police and Craigs List because the whole thing stunk like last months hard boiled eggs after being in the trunk, in a plastic bag, in the heat.

Stephen Baldwin & God Need Money – Donate Today!

Should we really be giving money to Stephen Baldwin just because he is now “born again” and people “make fun of him” when there are kids dying every day because they don’t have clean water to drink? I didn’t think so.

What am I talking about?  Oh, you didn’t hear?  Sit down.  No really, you need to sit down for this.  It seems that some moron with assets and a ton of time on his hands, put together a website in order to solicit donations for Stephen Baldwins personal use.  It seems Stephen had to declare bankruptcy, is now poor, can’t pay his bills, all because he decided to be “born again” and because he loves God & Christ he can’t get work and people make fun of him.

http://www.allthatknowhim.org/qa.html

Yeah.  Right.  You know, there are a ton of very “out there for God” people in Hollywood that make butt loads of money. Mel Gibson comes to mind right away and Tom Cruise, even though he isn’t into God but aliens who are living in his head but that is another story.

So now this website comes along to solicit money for Stephen because GOD WANTS YOU TO!  Because Stephen is like Job, from the Bible.  You know, the one that got shit on in a pissing match between God & Satan on whether Job is really devout or whether he just praises God because he is rich.  Read the story for what happens to Job but suffice it to say his life goes to hell in a handbasket but he doesn’t give up his faith. Now here is how it relates to this idiot website.  As a reward for God winning this moron bet/discussion/etc with Satan, God gives Job back everything!  Another house, replacement kids (who are better looking than the old ones) and DOUBLE THE MONEY HE HAD BEFORE!

This website wants you to believe that Stephen Baldwin is like Job!  That he was shit on by Satan (the evil populace out there that mock him and make fun of him).  His wealth, house and livelihood were taken away solely because he was totally into God and because of this, all of us hard-working, non-celebrity patsies should GIVE HIM MONEY!  LOTS OF MONEY!  DOUBLE THE MONEY HE LOST and then God will love us or something.

Stephen Baldwin, while having a very B-list career, has made a ton of money.  Just because he decided to blow it on drugs and houses he could not afford, does not make this our problem.  Nor is it Gods problem.  No one held a gun to his head and made him do drugs or buy a million dollar mansion.  There are TONS of people, without famous rich families, who have had to declare bankruptcy through no fault of their own and do they get their own website begging for cash?  NO!

I know, Stephen Baldwin didn’t put up the website but he isn’t telling this guy to take it down either!

I decided to go right to the source or rather the Son of the Source and asked my fiance Jesus what he thought about this.  I showed him the link and after he coughed Pepsi out of his nose, he made the following quite clear –

* Stephen Baldwin is a douche.  He made his own decisions and choices.  He needs to work towards the betterment of his own soul by himself.  Blaming other people for your lack of talent and good choices is stupid and makes God laugh at you as well.

* God the Father really regrets that whole Job thing.  He was trying to prove a point regarding the existence of evil in the world, the nature of suffering and how God can allow these things to happen.  He realizes he may have gotten a little carried away by giving Satan free rein to trash this guys life so bad, especially what happened to his kids since they had nothing to do with their Dad’s baggage.  He blames it on some really strong Jungle Juice that Satan brought with him and notes there was a good reason he was kicked out of heaven in the first place.  That shit just muddles your brain and gives you one hell of a hangover the next day.

* No one should be wasting their hard-earned money on Stephen Baldwin.  Charity is a good thing.  Give to your local shelter, volunteer at a food bank, give to reputable organizations to get clean water to villages in Africa.  There are many people FAR more deserving of your money and your time.

I should also say if you donate to this deluded scam, you deserve everything that Satan throws at you later.  Honestly, do something good.  Don’t drink Satan’s jungle juice!